rogueinladysclothing | Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

Current Mood: depressed

Entry tags:

Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

Grief strikes people in many different ways. Some seek out solace in others, in being with those they love and care about who are still part of their lives. Others mourn in privacy, needing to work through their thoughts and feelings on losing someone they cared about alone before they can emerge from the shadows and be with other people. These are healthy reactions and allow someone to move on from their feelings of hurt.

Amelia has never been one to do anything properly. For days following the fall of one of her closest friends, she hides away in her room at the inn. She speaks to no one, eats very little, and manages to sleep even less. She cries silently, wanting no one to know that she's hurting or pay her any mind. It's a difficult time for the rogue, and she manages to push through it only by sheer force of her own will. She needs to live, if only so her friend's memory lives on with her.

When she finally manages to make it out of her room a week later, she hides herself away in the library. The small room she tucks away in is out of the way and hard to find without the aid of a librarian - which is exactly why she chose it. In front of her is a large stack of books on elemental magic, one of which she turns the pages of from time to time without actually reading. She scribbles in an open notebook next to her occasionally, giving the impression that she's actually doing the research she would normally be doing in this place and with these books. In truth, it's only a distraction, something to focus her mind on that isn't the knife's edge of depression she walks along.

She looks so... defeated at the table, dressed in black clothes embroidered with metallic black threads, her hair braided down her back rather than pinned up with her precious hair pin. In her own way, she's still mourning what happened to Steve, she's just managed to get out of her room to do it in public. Her family's tradition demands she move on after a week of mourning in private, but that doesn't mean she won't still do it away from the privacy of her room.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The tissue is taken this time, and as she dabs at her eyes and nose with it, Amelia takes Adia's hand again. Something makes her feel as if she can't full part from the other woman yet, so she does what she has to to stay close.

As Adia explains her world's traditions, Amelia gives her hand a gentle squeeze. It seems traditions aren't all that different from one world to another, at least in some aspects. Offered prayers, a gathering to support those who lost someone... It's all very familiar, even if there are still many differences to what she knows from her home on Kairn.

When Adia begins to falter, Amelia squeezes her friend's hand gently. This is what Adia did for her earlier, so this should be helpful, right? "There's no need to apologize. Losing people is hard, in war and in the natural course of life. To have to change your traditions to accommodate so many fallen at once... I can't even imagine how hard that must be." She doesn't smile - how could she at a time like this? - but she sets aside the tissue in her free hand and carefully cradles Adia's hand between both of her own.

She's never lived through a war. There had been whispers of far-away fighting on her world when she left it behind, but it never reached her city. Her grandparents and parents told her stories of men and women who never came home and could never be properly sent into the afterlife after they went missing on the fields of battle. That Adia has to live with that pain every day is something the rogue could never hope to understand after living a life insulated from such overwhelming violence.

For a moment, she lets that comfort linger in the air and gives Adia's hand another small squeeze. "Do they go somewhere nice, when they go to the Underworld?" she asks. So many people believe in a paradise after death, perhaps Adia's people do as well?

Adia gives a small, grateful smile at Amelia's hand squeeze, so she must be doing something right. She takes a moment to ground herself. This is about Amelia's grief, not hers. Still, she appreciates the sympathy. "it's... disconcerting, more than everything. Ever single person in the Fleet has suffered loss, but at the same time that makes it almost too overwhelming to talk about." She looks down at their joined hands. "I'm glad I found the Nexus when I did. It's easier to talk about things here than on my ship."

The theological question gives her pause. The afterlife is the one aspect of religion that makes her wish that she believed. "Yes, the Elysium Fields. You're reunited with your ancestors.... what about your people? What are their traditions?"

Smiles are wonderful, even if Amelia can't find the strength to return them yet. Knowing she brought one to Adia's face goes a long way toward making that happen, though, so she squeezes Adia's hand with both of hers when the woman looks down again. If this is helping, then the rogue isn't about to try something new that could ruin things completely.

"The Nexus has a habit of making certain things easier," she agrees, though Amelia's not sure how much she can agree when she hides away so often. There's a further comment about that on the tip of her tongue when Adia asks about her world's beliefs. The barest hint of a wistful smile pulls at her lips as she speaks. "On my world, when you pass on you go to a place called the Eternal Dream. If you were a good person while you were alive, if you left a legacy that helped others, you'll relive your happiest memories and dream of sweet things for all eternity." For a moment she considers explaining what happens when someone is like her - drenched in sins and a generally awful person - but that feels like too much right now. She's had enough nightmares the last few weeks as it is, no need to explain how they'll only get worse when she dies.

"Laying the dead to rest is much the same, though we don't bury them. Their bodies are burned so that their ashes may be returned to the earth and their mind free to dream for all eternity." Good or bad, everyone must move on eventually. "A service is held for the fallen, with a few prayers and words of praise said for the one who is gone, but what is said and how soon after they are gone it happens depends on personal beliefs. Every person and family does things a little differently, as is their right, but the basics are always the same."

As the conversation shifts to the beliefs of Amelia's people, Adia regains her relaxed, calm composure, but she doesn't pull out of her friend's grip. She knows that physical connection is still important to Amelia, and she'll keep offering it as a lifeline for as long as she needs it.

"An eternal dream," she repeats softly. She can see why people would want to believe in such a thing, what a blessing it would be to only dream of sweetness and light. She doesn't think to question what happens to bad people, the cruel and the wicked. There's a reason why she didn't bring up Tartarus. "Is the Eternal Dream related to regular dreaming? Or is that a separate thing?"

There's a small nod when Amelia explains the customs of her people. "It's nice to know that our rituals have some things in common. We believe that the spirit leaves the body as soon as it dies, so whether it's buried or cremated is less important. But... it's like you said. It's harder to handle grief if... if there's nothing there."

Her head tilts a little as she thinks about Adia's question. She's never heard of someone dreaming with the fallen before, and considering the lack of magic on her world, it doesn't seem possible. "I think they're separate, but... I honestly don't know. There's no magic where I come from that could allow the crossover of dreams." Not that there's much magic at all there, but that's not important right now. From everything she knows, there's no way it could happen. And with her world out of reach... there's no way to ever know for certain.

She nods her agreement with the last statement slowly, drawing one hand back to rest in her lap while the other holds tightly to Adia's. "It's... a lot harder. There's no way to truly honor them, to make sure they get the send off they deserve if there's no... n-no body... There can be no burial or proper service... or... or..." Her breath catches in her chest as she resits the urge to cry again. This is all too real, too painful to properly handle. Why did Steve have to be taken away like that? Why couldn't they just let him go so he could dream wonderful things? Just... why?

When she finally regains her composure, she finds herself all but crushing Adia's hand. Her cheeks flush with embarrassment as she loosens her grip and gives Adia the chance to pull away, but she doesn't move anymore than that. Maybe an apology will be enough for possibly hurting her friend? "I'm sorry," she says quickly, her cheeks darkening a bit more. "I didn't... I wasn't paying attention and I... I'm really, truly sorry. Please, forgive me." Apologizing isn't something Amelia does often, but she doesn't want Adia to be upset enough to leave while she still feels like she could fall apart at any moment.

"Okay. I was wondering if there was a connection." She sounds apologetic about it, hoping she hasn't asked anything inappropriate. It doesn't seem like it, though. "We have people in the Fleet who claim to be seers, who say that they can communicate with spirits who have already passed on... through dreams sometimes."

She even tried that once, in the Nexus, but it didn't work. Caspar had already resurrected -- not that she knew about resurrection at the time.

The fresh wave of grief is expected, the tightening grip of Amelia's hand, not so much. It reminds her of when her friend Josh panicked while holding her hand, but as then, the AV field protects her now, so she doesn't pull away or even flinch. "It's okay," she says reassuringly. "You're, um... you're awfully strong. But I didn't get hurt." She pauses, unsure of what to say. "I wish I could give your closure. Would it help to talk about him? To remember him? Or would that make it worse?"

"Dreams are powerful things, but I don't know of any magic on my world that affects them. I've-- met people here who study them, work with them, and help others through them, but on Kairn? Magic is used by very few and completely in secret."

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. See, Amelia? You can make it through mentioning certain people you've driven away without crying. ~~Nevermind the fact that she can't cry anymore right now. That has nothing to do with it. Really.~~

The red color in her cheeks creeps up to her ears and she looks down at the floor quickly. She doesn't answer right away, only in part because she doesn't know how to respond to a compliment. Compliments from strangers are easy enough to deflect, but it's quite different to hear them from a friend, especially in a situation like this. Which is why she passes over it on favor of Adia's questions. "I've never been in a situation like this before. I don't know what would help." She takes a moment to pause and draw a long, steadying breath. "Did you... know him well? Or--" A beat as she tries to find the right words. "Is there something you wanted to know about him...?"

That... sound an awful lot like someone she knows. And though she'd normally be inclined to ask if it's the same person, something about Amelia's tone makes her think better of it. It's not relevant, anyway. "I used to love dreaming," she admits instead. "I'd try hard to remember them... I even had a journal for them. Not so much anymore."

She doesn't know why Amelia is blushing. It can't be from something so simple as a compliment, can it? But at least she's talking again... talking without crying. That's good. "Not as well as I'd like. We talked a few times and he had me over for coffee once. I'm taking care of his pokémon..." She reaches for the book with the embossed pokéball on the cover and shows it to her. "How did you two meet? Was he answering one of your questions, or was it the other way around?"

"I've rarely had good dreams." And one of the few good ones she remembers came from the person she broke herself over, making it more bittersweet than anything. "I envy those who have them. They don't realize what a blessing they have." She'd give most anything to have a good dream from time to time, or at least to not be so dependent on the tea that prevents dreaming to have a decent night's rest. Such is the way of life, though. If the multiverse wants her to get used to nightmares before she moves on to the Eternal Dream, there seems little she can do about it.

She reaches a hand out and passes it over the book Adia offers, her fingers ghosting through the air above the embossed symbol on the front. "Pokémon...? What are those?" Are those the "friends" Steve spoke of that she... never made time to go see? A frown tugs across her lips as her gaze slips from the book back to the floor, her hand falling to her lap. There's no point in dwelling on what's passed. If she failed in her duties as a friend, there's nothing to be gained by thinking about it now.

Sitting up a little straighter, Amelia shifts her grip on Adia's hand as she answers the other woman's questions. "I met him when he first arrived here. He thought this place was some kind of test that he had to pass to be admitted to the army for his homeland. They were... fighting a war and he wanted to get back to see his best friend off before he shipped out." Her frown deepens as she thinks about the first meeting. "I tried to help find him a way home to no avail. Instead, I found him a temporary place to stay and offered to help him with whatever he might need."

It was an imperfect meeting, and yet it was one of the few good things that happened to her. Steve Rogers had been a bright spot in her life, despite the painful memories of Masarra - and certain people - that he stirred in her. "He... called me 'Miss Amelia'," she murmurs, a sad smile settling on her face. "So much about him reminded me of... home. I've rarely been happy here, but he seemed to always manage to bring it out in me."

Why hadn't she seen him more often? Why had she replied "I'm fine" to his texts and calls asking how she was? Why does she have to be so terrible at everything that isn't hurting people?

She doesn't even realize she's been silent for a full minute as her mind spirals with dark, depressing thoughts. A soft sigh escapes her as her shoulders slump forward again. "Is there anything else you wanted to know...?" Surely there's a good way to keep the conversation going without being depressing, but Amelia's so deep into her thoughts that she doesn't know how to get there.

Adia gives her friend's hand a gentle squeeze at the mention of bad dreams. "I'm sorry. I haven't had a good dream in a while, either." Or rather, even good dreams are bad ones when you wake up in tears because you remember all over again that you home is gone, your family is gone, and the man you love is still the enemy.

"They're animals, but not like any I've ever heard of, not even in my mythology books." She's not sure why that would cause Amelia to look down with a frown on her face. Maybe anything having to do with Steve is enough to fuel her grief.

Amelia's reply triggers a vague memory -- Steve had mentioned a war to Adia, hadn't he? She tries to remember if he had talked about his best friend at all... friendship was important to Steve, obviously, and she mirrors Amelia's sad smile when the other woman talks about how much Steve reminded her of home. "He missed his Earth... I think he made the best of living in the Nexus, though. Something the three of us have in common, I guess..." Although Adia had been hoping that Steve would find a way back to his Earth, just as she would find the Earth in her universe. Now he was stuck somewhere else until he recovered...

Lost in her own thoughts, she doesn't notice the passing silence until Amelia speaks again. She looks so defeated... maybe this topic of conversation isn't helping. "Do you want to learn more about his pokémon?" She sets the book on the table between them. "I can look them up for you."

It doesn't seem fair that someone like Adia doesn't have sweet dreams. She's so kind and already deals with so much - why would the multiverse do such a thing to her? "I hope someday you can have good dreams again," she offers softly, hoping it doesn't hurt to say something like that to her friend.

Something about how Adia phrases her reply causes Amelia's chest to tighten again. Made the best of living in the Nexus. Was that what the rogue was doing now? Maybe Steve had been able to manage it, but Amelia's certain she still isn't doing that. She survives, but Steve... Steve lived. He was so full of life despite everything trying to take it from him. And now some asshole had waltzed in and walked all over this place, taking her friend with him. She's glad she got the chance to scream at his lifeless body, but if she'd had half a chance, if she could've just been there sooner, she could've done so much more.

...or so her grief addled mind would have her believe.

The question is one that doesn't require her to dig for an answer or even think about herself. It still touches on Steve, but that's rather inevitable at this point, isn't it? She nods slowly, finally releasing Adia's hand so she can better flip through the pages of the book. "I'd like that. I think he would... want that." Even that simple thought feels like a punch in the gut, but at least they're not talking about the man himself if they talk about his pets instead.

It must be the right thing to say, because she smiles softly in response. "Thanks. I just need more time. It'll get better."

She watches Amelia struggle with herself and wonders worriedly if even talking about Steve's pokémon is too tender a topic. But it seems to be safe enough; Amelia even lets go of her hand so that Adia does not need to pull away. She gives her a brief, reassuring smile before picking up the book and flipping to the index in the back. She runs a finger down the list of alphabetical species names, pausing to note the page number when she comes to the ones she's looking for.

"This one is Sarah," she says, flipping to a page closer to the beginning of the book and showing it to Amelia. There's a picture of a dog-like creature, its fur bright orange. "She's a growlithe. She's very friendly and full of energy. She really reminds me of a dog, but she can shoot fire out of her mouth, and I've never seen a dog with stripes like hers."

She turns to another page. This one has a little round bird on it, its crest a red and white feather surrounded by floof. "This is Bucky, short for Buchanan. He's a rufflet. He's..." She sighs, but her smile is affectionate. "He's wary of strangers. He likes me, though. He's very protective. Maybe a little over-protective..."

The last page has on it the most peculiar creature of all -- vaguely reptilian in nature, but with a stocky build. Its head shines like metal. "This is Ethel. She's a shieldon. She's very sweet, and strong, too. She likes to rub her head against trees to shine it. I think she has some powers related to steel, but I'm not sure what, yet. I'm still reading about her type."

She gives Amelia as long as she likes to look at each page and read the information that goes with the pictures. "Is there anything else you want to know about them?" She smiles hopefully, a proud parent eager to show off her adorable children. "Or I can also look up some of the other pokémon I've come across. There are many different kinds."

The afternoon passes by lazily as Adia explains various types of pokémon to Amelia, allowing them both to come down from the intense conversation and emotions they shared earlier in the day. By the time Adia needs to head back to her ship, Amelia can smile honestly and without any obvious pain. Her grief is still written all over her body, from the dark circles under her eyes to the way she can't quite stand straight, but she doesn't feel the weight as much. Finally, it doesn't feel like she'll collapse back into a gaping hole of sorrow at a single mention of her fallen friend.

She doesn't reach out for her friend when they part on the footsteps of the library, but the rogue pauses a few paces in front of the other woman to turn back to her with a smile. "Thank you for everything," she calls softly, her voice reaching Adia's ears despite the noise of people bustling around them. "You're a true friend." Another smile, and she turns around again, shifts her messenger bag where it hangs about her shoulders, and then disappears into the crowd.

Today was a necessary first step. It was a sharing of her grief in a visceral way and with someone who is still present in Amelia's life. A reminder that she's not alone. It's not an end to the pain and it doesn't mean she won't spend more nights in tears as she continues to ache over what's happened to someone so important to her. But it put her on the path to healing that she couldn't manage on her own while locked away in her room. And for that, she'll always be grateful to her newest... friend.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Closing this one out (finally) =]