Amelia Royer (Ronsam) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rogueinladysclothing) wrote2017-05-17 01:09 pm
rogueinladysclothing) wrote2017-05-17 01:09 pm
Entry tags:
Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]
Grief strikes people in many different ways. Some seek out solace in others, in being with those they love and care about who are still part of their lives. Others mourn in privacy, needing to work through their thoughts and feelings on losing someone they cared about alone before they can emerge from the shadows and be with other people. These are healthy reactions and allow someone to move on from their feelings of hurt.
Amelia has never been one to do anything properly. For days following the fall of one of her closest friends, she hides away in her room at the inn. She speaks to no one, eats very little, and manages to sleep even less. She cries silently, wanting no one to know that she's hurting or pay her any mind. It's a difficult time for the rogue, and she manages to push through it only by sheer force of her own will. She needs to live, if only so her friend's memory lives on with her.
When she finally manages to make it out of her room a week later, she hides herself away in the library. The small room she tucks away in is out of the way and hard to find without the aid of a librarian - which is exactly why she chose it. In front of her is a large stack of books on elemental magic, one of which she turns the pages of from time to time without actually reading. She scribbles in an open notebook next to her occasionally, giving the impression that she's actually doing the research she would normally be doing in this place and with these books. In truth, it's only a distraction, something to focus her mind on that isn't the knife's edge of depression she walks along.
She looks so... defeated at the table, dressed in black clothes embroidered with metallic black threads, her hair braided down her back rather than pinned up with her precious hair pin. In her own way, she's still mourning what happened to Steve, she's just managed to get out of her room to do it in public. Her family's tradition demands she move on after a week of mourning in private, but that doesn't mean she won't still do it away from the privacy of her room.
Amelia has never been one to do anything properly. For days following the fall of one of her closest friends, she hides away in her room at the inn. She speaks to no one, eats very little, and manages to sleep even less. She cries silently, wanting no one to know that she's hurting or pay her any mind. It's a difficult time for the rogue, and she manages to push through it only by sheer force of her own will. She needs to live, if only so her friend's memory lives on with her.
When she finally manages to make it out of her room a week later, she hides herself away in the library. The small room she tucks away in is out of the way and hard to find without the aid of a librarian - which is exactly why she chose it. In front of her is a large stack of books on elemental magic, one of which she turns the pages of from time to time without actually reading. She scribbles in an open notebook next to her occasionally, giving the impression that she's actually doing the research she would normally be doing in this place and with these books. In truth, it's only a distraction, something to focus her mind on that isn't the knife's edge of depression she walks along.
She looks so... defeated at the table, dressed in black clothes embroidered with metallic black threads, her hair braided down her back rather than pinned up with her precious hair pin. In her own way, she's still mourning what happened to Steve, she's just managed to get out of her room to do it in public. Her family's tradition demands she move on after a week of mourning in private, but that doesn't mean she won't still do it away from the privacy of her room.
no subject
She reaches a hand out and passes it over the book Adia offers, her fingers ghosting through the air above the embossed symbol on the front. "Pokémon...? What are those?" Are those the "friends" Steve spoke of that she... never made time to go see? A frown tugs across her lips as her gaze slips from the book back to the floor, her hand falling to her lap. There's no point in dwelling on what's passed. If she failed in her duties as a friend, there's nothing to be gained by thinking about it now.
Sitting up a little straighter, Amelia shifts her grip on Adia's hand as she answers the other woman's questions. "I met him when he first arrived here. He thought this place was some kind of test that he had to pass to be admitted to the army for his homeland. They were... fighting a war and he wanted to get back to see his best friend off before he shipped out." Her frown deepens as she thinks about the first meeting. "I tried to help find him a way home to no avail. Instead, I found him a temporary place to stay and offered to help him with whatever he might need."
It was an imperfect meeting, and yet it was one of the few good things that happened to her. Steve Rogers had been a bright spot in her life, despite the painful memories of Masarra - and certain people - that he stirred in her. "He... called me 'Miss Amelia'," she murmurs, a sad smile settling on her face. "So much about him reminded me of... home. I've rarely been happy here, but he seemed to always manage to bring it out in me."
Why hadn't she seen him more often? Why had she replied "I'm fine" to his texts and calls asking how she was? Why does she have to be so terrible at everything that isn't hurting people?
She doesn't even realize she's been silent for a full minute as her mind spirals with dark, depressing thoughts. A soft sigh escapes her as her shoulders slump forward again. "Is there anything else you wanted to know...?" Surely there's a good way to keep the conversation going without being depressing, but Amelia's so deep into her thoughts that she doesn't know how to get there.
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"They're animals, but not like any I've ever heard of, not even in my mythology books." She's not sure why that would cause Amelia to look down with a frown on her face. Maybe anything having to do with Steve is enough to fuel her grief.
Amelia's reply triggers a vague memory -- Steve had mentioned a war to Adia, hadn't he? She tries to remember if he had talked about his best friend at all... friendship was important to Steve, obviously, and she mirrors Amelia's sad smile when the other woman talks about how much Steve reminded her of home. "He missed his Earth... I think he made the best of living in the Nexus, though. Something the three of us have in common, I guess..." Although Adia had been hoping that Steve would find a way back to his Earth, just as she would find the Earth in her universe. Now he was stuck somewhere else until he recovered...
Lost in her own thoughts, she doesn't notice the passing silence until Amelia speaks again. She looks so defeated... maybe this topic of conversation isn't helping. "Do you want to learn more about his pokémon?" She sets the book on the table between them. "I can look them up for you."
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Something about how Adia phrases her reply causes Amelia's chest to tighten again. Made the best of living in the Nexus. Was that what the rogue was doing now? Maybe Steve had been able to manage it, but Amelia's certain she still isn't doing that. She survives, but Steve... Steve lived. He was so full of life despite everything trying to take it from him. And now some asshole had waltzed in and walked all over this place, taking her friend with him. She's glad she got the chance to scream at his lifeless body, but if she'd had half a chance, if she could've just been there sooner, she could've done so much more.
...or so her grief addled mind would have her believe.
The question is one that doesn't require her to dig for an answer or even think about herself. It still touches on Steve, but that's rather inevitable at this point, isn't it? She nods slowly, finally releasing Adia's hand so she can better flip through the pages of the book. "I'd like that. I think he would... want that." Even that simple thought feels like a punch in the gut, but at least they're not talking about the man himself if they talk about his pets instead.
no subject
She watches Amelia struggle with herself and wonders worriedly if even talking about Steve's pokémon is too tender a topic. But it seems to be safe enough; Amelia even lets go of her hand so that Adia does not need to pull away. She gives her a brief, reassuring smile before picking up the book and flipping to the index in the back. She runs a finger down the list of alphabetical species names, pausing to note the page number when she comes to the ones she's looking for.
"This one is Sarah," she says, flipping to a page closer to the beginning of the book and showing it to Amelia. There's a picture of a dog-like creature, its fur bright orange. "She's a growlithe. She's very friendly and full of energy. She really reminds me of a dog, but she can shoot fire out of her mouth, and I've never seen a dog with stripes like hers."
She turns to another page. This one has a little round bird on it, its crest a red and white feather surrounded by floof. "This is Bucky, short for Buchanan. He's a rufflet. He's..." She sighs, but her smile is affectionate. "He's wary of strangers. He likes me, though. He's very protective. Maybe a little over-protective..."
The last page has on it the most peculiar creature of all -- vaguely reptilian in nature, but with a stocky build. Its head shines like metal. "This is Ethel. She's a shieldon. She's very sweet, and strong, too. She likes to rub her head against trees to shine it. I think she has some powers related to steel, but I'm not sure what, yet. I'm still reading about her type."
She gives Amelia as long as she likes to look at each page and read the information that goes with the pictures. "Is there anything else you want to know about them?" She smiles hopefully, a proud parent eager to show off her adorable children. "Or I can also look up some of the other pokémon I've come across. There are many different kinds."
Closing this one out (finally) =]
She doesn't reach out for her friend when they part on the footsteps of the library, but the rogue pauses a few paces in front of the other woman to turn back to her with a smile. "Thank you for everything," she calls softly, her voice reaching Adia's ears despite the noise of people bustling around them. "You're a true friend." Another smile, and she turns around again, shifts her messenger bag where it hangs about her shoulders, and then disappears into the crowd.
Today was a necessary first step. It was a sharing of her grief in a visceral way and with someone who is still present in Amelia's life. A reminder that she's not alone. It's not an end to the pain and it doesn't mean she won't spend more nights in tears as she continues to ache over what's happened to someone so important to her. But it put her on the path to healing that she couldn't manage on her own while locked away in her room. And for that, she'll always be grateful to her newest... friend.