Stories Told [Transformation 5/x]

[rogueinladysclothing]

I don't know how I managed to speak all the words I'd written. I barely recognized my own voice as I spoke them.

But still they came and, somehow, I managed to say it all.

How I'd helped Steve settle into not one, but two places before he disappeared the first time. How he got me my first phone. About the portrait he drew of my family. How he fell in battle only to return stronger, as a soldier of all things. About that terrible Nightmare and all the fights it caused between us. And about the mundane things as well; Meals at the diner, the occasional trip through an open air market, answering one another's questions out on the Plaza.

How I kept him at arms' length no matter how much I wanted him close. How I... loved him as family and never told him, how angry I was at myself for having done so.

Because in the end he left me again and returned as someone else. Someone who doesn't know me. Someone... whose very existence brings me pain and grief that I don't know how to handle, that I hid in violence and money because I didn't know what else to do.

Through it all, every word and long silence while I sobbed, Doctor Ravner listened patiently. Her expression was neutral, and it helped to not have someone offer assurances while I did this. I don't want to be placated. I don't want to be told half-truths or promised things that could fall apart without warning. I'm tired of being lied to, no matter how well meaning it may be. I've been hurting for so long, and that's what coming to see the doctor is supposed to help. It makes her patience and outward calm that much better for me.

When I'd finally stopped crying - loudly, at least - I wiped my face and looked up at Doctor Ravner. She had a small, pleasant smile on her face.

"Thank you," she said. "I'm glad you were willing to share this with me."

The statement was... strange. "Didn't you tell me I had to?"

"Not in as many words." She didn't outwardly smirk, but I swear I felt it for a few seconds before she continued. "This was an important step for you, and anything done 'for me' was only ever going to help you in the end." She paused and motioned to the notebook I'd set aside. "I needed to hear this story to help you, but you needed to write it to process it. Do you understand?"

I was dumbfounded. I realized I'd been tricked into doing something that, while necessary, was painful. That almost made me give up. But I wasn't angry about it. Instead, I laughed.

"Not entirely," I admitted. I wiped at the corner of my eyes with a hand and then shook my head. "Now that it's out, what now?"

"Now we do the hard work."

My jaw dropped slightly. "But... writing all of that down and repeating it to you was difficult enough. Are you saying it's going to get worse?"

The doctor nodded, her smile turning more sympathetic. "There's a lot to process in this story, and it's going to take several weeks to get through it all. Maybe even a few months, if other things come up in that time."

"Months?!"

"It's part of the journey. To get to where you want to be in your life, this step is necessary. It will be even more difficult than writing down this story, but there's an opportunity for growth and improvement, as well as for you to have the life you've been looking forward to."

Again she didn't promise me anything. So many others would have. I'm uncertain what this means, but even in that moment I knew it was important to do this. I nodded my agreement and Doctor Ravner's smile warmed.

"We'll continue this next week," she said calmly, rising to her feet. "We'll start at the beginning, and make our way through one piece at a time."

I thanked the doctor as I left, notebook clutched to my chest like it was my most precious possession. I don't know what processing all of this entails, but finally it feels like there's a way through this. Finally I feel like I have a chance at making this work.

I'm terrified, and I'm doing it anyway.