Sights set on a new beginning [Self post]

[rogueinladysclothing]

It was a strange thing, to be sure. Amelia Ronsam, the indomitable, headstrong, face forward woman that she was, seeking help. What's more - she was seeking help to change herself.

Finding someone Verity found to be honest and that Amelia trusted enough to even speak to had been a challenge. Amelia bringing herself to go alone after the first day? Even more so. But she did it. She kept to the schedule laid out to her like clockwork. Sleep, exercise, meals, therapy sessions - everything had a time and a place. The structure was something that she knew would eventually fade in the wake of overcoming personal hurdles, but for now, it was solace, comfort, familiarity. All things the rogue needed while she took these first few difficult steps.

The sleep had been the first issue tackled. A regular sleep schedule was important and Amelia's best efforts were simply not enough. Having done a fair amount of reading on the topic, Amelia relented quickly to a sleep aid and to rearranging her schedule to ease the adjustment. It wouldn't stop her from waking in the middle of the night, but it was a step in the right direction.

The lack of empathy, while not the natural next step, was next. Over the years, Amelia had taught herself to not believe in regret. Regret meant second guessing, meant hesitating. When time is of the essence and lives potentially at stake, a second guess can make or break a situation. It was something that had been shattered when she made an extra foray into Verity's world for what she slowly came to understand as a selfish reason. At the time, she had thought it on someone's behalf, but now she understood Verity's anger, understood why no one was on her side in the matter. A selfish act is still selfish even if done for the "right" reason. The distinction called into question everything she had ever done - and the very person she had made herself to be.

She couldn't think of the last time she'd done something selfish without an excuse behind it. She couldn't remember a time when she'd done something selfish for herself either. Everything she did was for someone else, even if there was a selfish drive behind it. She wanted her family to be noble so that they could live better lives. She wanted to help others to get what she needed to achieve that goal of nobility. She wanted to do everything for her family now to let them enjoy their newly found status so that she didn't have to think about what she wanted to do with her life. The distinctions, while small, were important. They made her realize where she had really been when she ended up in the Nexus.

Alone. Self-isolated. A self-made martyr. A woman who, deep down, had never really grown up, whose views of the world were still that of a girl coming into her own.

It hurt. Every step forward was a painful reminder of all she had done wrong, of all those things she couldn't undo. A reminder of those things that she still needed to fix.

But every morning she would rise and begin again. Every day was a chance to make things better, to set that which she had done wrong right, a chance to to be the person she wanted to be. And, slowly, she would get better, would be better. Because she had to be, if she wanted to find her own reasons for living for the first time in almost ten years time.