The concept doesn't make a lot of sense to Amelia. How did one choose to be happy? She's always seen it as a black and white thing - either one was happy or they weren't. She always thought the reason she was never happy was that she was being punished for her sins. As an "ends justify the means" kind of person, she knew what she was getting into. But what Verity is suggesting is that she's choosing to be this way. That she wants to be alone.
But she doesn't. She hates being alone. She's always hated it. She simply didn't notice it until she was trapped in the Nexus because she could convince herself otherwise at home. Her family was always there, loving and kind, even if she always kept her distance from them. Her companions were there if she needed help with anything and she was always willing to help them in return. That had been enough for her. Or, rather, that's what she had told herself.
The vision she'd had of her future when she was young was that she would work toward her goal for her family for so long that she wouldn't have time for the luxury of friendships or love. In the end, she would be surrounded by a happy family who could do what they wanted while she ran the family business - alone. In the end, she would be that martyr everyone kept calling her.
The thoughts are mixed with silent tears and a constant fear of being laughed at. She knows Verity would never do that, but the fear remains. It takes so long for her to pull her face away from her knees that Verity might think she's fallen asleep. Her chin gets gently rested on her knees and she stares off into the distance again.
"I'm so tired, Verity. Tired of being alone in everything. Tired of fighting for what I can get. Tired of knowing it's all my fault for the terrible things that happen around me. I don't want that anymore. I want to know what having a friend is like. I want to feel like I could mean something to someone. I want... I want to be able to... to say things I should have said long ago if I get back home."
She looks down at the hair pin in her hand for a moment before looking to Verity. "Where do I start?"
https://youtu.be/ddFAIkUb7A0
But she doesn't. She hates being alone. She's always hated it. She simply didn't notice it until she was trapped in the Nexus because she could convince herself otherwise at home. Her family was always there, loving and kind, even if she always kept her distance from them. Her companions were there if she needed help with anything and she was always willing to help them in return. That had been enough for her. Or, rather, that's what she had told herself.
The vision she'd had of her future when she was young was that she would work toward her goal for her family for so long that she wouldn't have time for the luxury of friendships or love. In the end, she would be surrounded by a happy family who could do what they wanted while she ran the family business - alone. In the end, she would be that martyr everyone kept calling her.
The thoughts are mixed with silent tears and a constant fear of being laughed at. She knows Verity would never do that, but the fear remains. It takes so long for her to pull her face away from her knees that Verity might think she's fallen asleep. Her chin gets gently rested on her knees and she stares off into the distance again.
"I'm so tired, Verity. Tired of being alone in everything. Tired of fighting for what I can get. Tired of knowing it's all my fault for the terrible things that happen around me. I don't want that anymore. I want to know what having a friend is like. I want to feel like I could mean something to someone. I want... I want to be able to... to say things I should have said long ago if I get back home."
She looks down at the hair pin in her hand for a moment before looking to Verity. "Where do I start?"