rogueinladysclothing | Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Verity kinda wishes Viatorus did hate her right now. It would make protecting him so much easier. But she loves that he's not the sort of person to hate people.

"I have a lot of experience in not doing what I needed to to improve myself and my life. You know where it got me? An apartment in the Upper East that I was too scared to let anyone into. Just into the apartment, nevermind my life. It's a lousy way to live. But right now, you have a choice. You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be alone. It's up to you."

She returns her attention to her long-neglected cornbread while Amelia thinks about it. Again, no rush.

The concept doesn't make a lot of sense to Amelia. How did one choose to be happy? She's always seen it as a black and white thing - either one was happy or they weren't. She always thought the reason she was never happy was that she was being punished for her sins. As an "ends justify the means" kind of person, she knew what she was getting into. But what Verity is suggesting is that she's choosing to be this way. That she wants to be alone.

But she doesn't. She hates being alone. She's always hated it. She simply didn't notice it until she was trapped in the Nexus because she could convince herself otherwise at home. Her family was always there, loving and kind, even if she always kept her distance from them. Her companions were there if she needed help with anything and she was always willing to help them in return. That had been enough for her. Or, rather, that's what she had told herself.

The vision she'd had of her future when she was young was that she would work toward her goal for her family for so long that she wouldn't have time for the luxury of friendships or love. In the end, she would be surrounded by a happy family who could do what they wanted while she ran the family business - alone. In the end, she would be that martyr everyone kept calling her.

The thoughts are mixed with silent tears and a constant fear of being laughed at. She knows Verity would never do that, but the fear remains. It takes so long for her to pull her face away from her knees that Verity might think she's fallen asleep. Her chin gets gently rested on her knees and she stares off into the distance again.

"I'm so tired, Verity. Tired of being alone in everything. Tired of fighting for what I can get. Tired of knowing it's all my fault for the terrible things that happen around me. I don't want that anymore. I want to know what having a friend is like. I want to feel like I could mean something to someone. I want... I want to be able to... to say things I should have said long ago if I get back home."

She looks down at the hair pin in her hand for a moment before looking to Verity. "Where do I start?"

Edited (Forgot to add mood music) 2015-10-25 07:16 (UTC)

Falling asleep would not have been the worst possible outcome here, but Verity's glad that didn't happen.

"When you get back home," Verity corrects quietly. "The first step is admitting that you need help. Not just out loud. You need to understand that this cannot continue deep in your soul. Then we'll find you some good doctors. The work you're going to do is going to be hard. It's going to hurt sometimes, and there will be sacrifices. You might even get worse before you get better. But if you do the work, if you're brave and honest, you will get better."

Optimism is not Amelia's strong suit. There's a vague inkling of hope of getting home, but it gets harder to hold on to it every day.

"If recent history is any indication, I know I can't keep this up. I want to do things, to interact with people, but going outside, speaking with others... it's hard." Her lack of physical activity and sleep is obvious. Dark circles color the space under her eyes, a small but constant furrow knots her brow, and a slight shake happens with every motion. On top of that, the shirt that fit so nicely just a few week ago seems to be hanging off of her a bit. It seems as if when she pulled away, she pulled away completely, pushing aside her physical needs to wallow in her misery.

"I've been fighting myself for so long... and it has to stop. I've pushed everyone away, even when I didn't mean to." A shaky hand reaches up to wipe at her eyes. "And not just here. At home, I... I was there for everyone, but I never let them be there for me, never really heard their questions of concern for my well-being. I got so wrapped up in doing what I believed was the best course of action for everyone else that I never bothered to look at myself, to wonder what I wanted. I thought all I wanted was what was best for them, but now, trapped so far from those I gave my life to, I don't know anymore."

She sighs heavily, her eyes closing slowly. "If I stay this way, I'm going to die. Maybe not physically, but I won't be myself anymore. I want to be better. I need to be better."

"It is hard," she agrees quietly. Amelia's not the only one suffering right now.

"I'm going to ask something very hard of you, but I'd like you to really think about my reasons for it before you refuse to do it. Part of the treatment is probably going to involve medicine that will change how your brain works. It'll help you feel less anxious, which will make learning new behavior patterns easier. Figuring out the right balance of medicines for you might take months, because it's very hard to test how your body is going to react to things beforehand. I know this sounds scary, but you're going to be okay. It's safe. If something isn't working, we'll try something else. It's going to take some patience though."

Hopefully that doesn't sound too bad. She knows it sounds bad. "I'd like you to stay away from Viatorus. His family isn't really pleased about his coming here, and if you have another violent outburst and they find out, they might not let him come back at all. Ever. He doesn't deserve to be punished like that. And his sister is kinda scary, you do not want to deal with her right now."

"I'll think about it." It's the best she can offer right now. All of the ways of treating ailments that she knows are obsolete now and the thought of jumping into all of the new medicine of the worlds that have advanced beyond hers is terrifying. She needs to know more, which is why she hesitates a moment before adding, "If you know of any books to help me learn more about all of this, I'd be grateful. I want to know more before I make a decision." See? Saying what she needs right when she needs it. Progress.

The mention of Viatorus causes Amelia's face to darken noticeably. As if she didn't feel bad enough already about she'd done to him, now she's being told not to take the time to make it better. It suddenly hurts to breathe. The world is large and she is small and insignificant. She feels lightheaded, dizzy. Why? Why all of this over someone who probably hates her?

"You... want me to stay away... for good, right?" Don't say this next part. You don't mean it. Don't--

"It's fine." Liar! "I don't... think we were ever really friends anyway." She doesn't think so, at least.

That tightness in her chest is becoming more difficult to ignore, though. Why does it hurt so much to say she's okay with pushing him away? She's said this lie hundreds of times before. Why now, of all times, does she wants to keep him close?

"I can help you find books, yeah. I studied the principles of this kind of medicine in college, so I know enough to get you started and help you understand what the different kinds of doctors do." She had dreams of being more than a glorified secretary, once. It seems like a long time ago now.

When Amelia's expression changes Verity wraps an arm around her again. "I know it hurts," she murmurs somewhere close to Amelia's ear, still at a friendly distance but one that invites confiding. "Let's see how therapy goes before we make any decisions about forever, okay?"

There's a few parts of that statement that Amelia doesn't understand, but she'll nod along anyway. If Verity knows what she's doing, then Amelia will trust her.

Something about being this close, being held in this way, makes her feel safe. She wants to pull herself closer to Verity, but she's afraid of pushing the limits of what they've overcome today. Instead, she'll turn her head a bit toward Verity's. "I don't want to lose him," she whispers. The revelation is one even she didn't realize and her face is suddenly warm with color. "I... I mean, I-- He's..." Nope. Not even going to try. She'd like to keep her foot out of her mouth this time.

Verity stiffens at the admission, but she doesn't pull away. Not yet. "I know you're lonely, Amelia, but he isn't an object to be used to make you feel better when it suits you. He deserves better than that. He certainly doesn't deserve you messing with his feelings when you're in love with Nathan."

She tries to say it gently, but she's going straight to the heart of it now. Nobody fucks with V on her watch. And it is her watch, he and his sister both said so. It's official.

"I didn't mean it like that!" She jumps and pulls away from Verity just a little bit. The arm may still be around her, but it's in a precarious spot. "At least I... I don't think..." Now she feels like a fool for freaking out. This is what she's supposed to be working on and she can't even hang on to that for more than a few minutes before it dissipates. She covers her face with her hands to hide the tears of frustration.

"I'm sorry. It's just... Viatorus is one of the few people who has been consistently kind to me since I arrived. If I have to leave him alone completely I will, but... I owe him an apology. A real apology. I want to give him the chance to tell me to fuck off if that's what he wants. I owe him the chance to make that decision."

Any other day, this might have been her way of manipulating Verity into backing down, but not today. She means every word she says. She believes in letting people make their own decisions, for better or for worse. And given what she knows about his family, she thinks he deserves that chance more than most people. If he can't make any other decisions for himself, she wants him to give him the chance to make this one.

Verity leaves her arm where it is, neither moving away or pulling Amelia close again. It's up to her where things end up.

"Yes. You probably do owe him an apology. But you also need to be responsible. Is it responsible to do something you know is likely to hurt him and cause him trouble? Is it kind? No. That would be selfish. So write him a letter. Apologize, and tell him you're taking some time to work on yourself. He'll understand that."

It's all her fault that this is happening - so why is Verity being so nice to her? Why is she letting Amelia pull herself close again and bury her face into Verity's shoulder? It doesn't make sense. None of it does. Not yet, at least. Years of self taught, terrible habits will need to be stripped away before any of this gets better.

"You're right." Her voice is small, afraid. "I can do that." She knew this would be hard, but she had no idea how much doing the right thing would hurt. Being an adult has been hard for the last ten years. Finally growing up is even harder.

"I suppose I should... not go to the Samhain ball, then," she says after a few minutes. Her temple rests gently against Verity's shoulder as she wipes at her eyes. "I don't want to risk saying or doing anything that could upset him. Or you. Or... anyone, really." She was only planning on going to keep up appearances anyway, so it's not like she's losing anything by deciding not to go now.

Edited 2015-10-25 20:35 (UTC)

Amelia gets wrapped up in a hug again when she moves closer like that. Verity doesn't think she's very good at this whole 'being comforting' thing, but she can operate on the principle of the Golden Rule. So hugs it is, and quiet, and as much patience as she can muster.

"Remember, this isn't permanent," she offers as consolation. "And things will be much better in the end for having done the hard work up front." Amelia's a practical soul. She should appreciate that. "This pain is temporary. It won't last forever. And just think how impressed Nathan will be when you get home, and are all grown up and ready to be with him. That'll be nice, right?"

Ah, the ball. That's a tricky subject and she's really not sure what the right answer is. "Hmm. Let's put a pin in that. We can wait and see how you're feeling the day of. If you want to come put in an appearance, that's okay. If you're not ready to deal with people, that's okay too. There'll be other parties."

Amelia's even worse at the whole 'being comforted' thing. She's mastered the art of silent tears and telling lies so bold that no one would believe otherwise. And of pissing people off so much they leave her alone, none of which are good options. Still, Verity hugs are warm and very much appreciated, even if Amelia has no idea how to give her a hug back from this position.

"He might laugh at me," she says a bit dejectedly. "He laughed at me when I kissed him on the cheek before he left." She frowns at the memory. "I don't think it was at me so much as the idea of me being anything other than a mentor or someone who looked after him because of some obligation to his father. But I can't be sure. If... If I ever see him again, though, I'd like to know who I am, to know what I truly feel, what I truly want." It'll be a long road to get there, but she definitely wants to try for it. Anything for a chance at the vision she saw of a possible future back home.

"We?" She looks up at Verity with a raised eyebrow. There's a spark of her playful self under that eyebrow. Yes, she heard the rest of that, but this "we" thing is really hanging her up. She wonders what it could possibly mean for what's been happening here today.

It's okay. She'll learn. For now, she can enjoy getting hugged.

"I don't think so. I don't think he'll laugh in a mean way. Maybe he was laughing because he was happy? People do that sometimes." And it's a nicer way to think about it. "Knowing yourself is the first step to truly letting someone in to share your life. When you see him again, you'll be able to talk to him, and I have a feeling you two will work everything out."

Oh, that's what she wants to get hung up on, is it? Verity can't help but smirk. "Well, you know, you're going to need help and someone to talk to, so it looks like you're stuck with me."

"I'd like it if things worked out." There's some color in her cheeks again when she admits that. Guess that means she has at least some idea of what she wants if she ever gets back home.

"Are you going to help me with my hair and be my dance partner as well?" Amelia's got a smirk for you in return, Verity. "I suppose I should see to getting a new dress made, then. Can't go to a ball dressed in armor and covered in easily seen weapons. My father would would never stand for such a thing." The thought gives her a reason to laugh again. Only a little, and very softly, but it's something. After days of being as low as she could possibly get, it's nice to want to smile and laugh.

Yeah, she never hid that as well as she thought.

"If you'd like." It's good to hear her laughing again. That's a good sign. "But there'll be plenty of people for you to dance with. I might not be dancing much." If Amelia really thinks that was the lowest she could possibly get, she's terribly naive.

"So, a new dress... what color are you thinking?"

She wasn't trying to be mean or to tease too hard. If they're trying to rebuild their friendship, she's not going to push too hard too fast. "I'm not sure many of them will want to dance with me, though." She frowns slightly. "Why so little dancing for you?"

A thoughtful look appears on her face. "I'm unsure. Usually I pick out a fabric that calls to me and then let the tailor go wild. Perhaps I need to give them a little more guidance for something like this though?" The tip of a finger rests against her lips in thought. "Maybe something in blue? No... green? Something with gold detailing, I think, but I'm not sure past that."

Verity didn't think she was being mean. She's always been reserved, and recent events haven't exactly improved her demeanor. But that question does seem rather ill-considered. "Because I'm in mourning. And I'm not sure there's many people who'll want to dance with me, either. Or who will know how. It's an undervalued skill these days."

(Little do the ladies know there'll be a Groot in attendance, and they'll have plenty of tree to dance with.)

"Teal? It's in-between green and blue, and looks good with gold. I've never had anything custom-made for me. Maybe I'll come watch you and see how it's done?" Assuming she'd be welcome.

"Right." Damnit, Amelia. You were doing so well, too. "Well, if no one wants to dance with you, for whatever reason, and you find yourself wanting a dance, I'll make myself available. Hell, I'll even lead if that's what you'd like." She hopes this light teasing doesn't go over too poorly, because she's giving Verity a small wink, too. She may not know all the dances that she'll see at the ball, but that just means she's got a goal for it.

(A dancing tree? Amelia's not going to be sure about that one until someone tells her he's super friendly.)

"You've never had anything made for you?" Her eyes widen slightly at that. "You should come with me when I go. You'd be surprised what a creative tailor can do when given the smallest directions. Who knows, maybe we could get something for you? It wouldn't need to be a dress for the ball, but perhaps something comfortable for every day wear. There's nothing quite like a comfortable every day dress made of a nice silk or cotton." Someone's speaking from experience. She doesn't get the luxury of wearing pants every day, so Verity can be damn sure Amelia's getting something that moves well and is comfortable if she's being required to wear a dress.

She can take the teasing. She's even smiling a little. "You'd better, I don't know how to lead. A shockingly sexist oversight on my part." It won't all be complicated modern dances. Waltzing's pretty simple. "Thank you."

(The fact Verity will be running over to give Groot a hug might be a clue.)

"No, like I told you, that's not something people do where I'm from. It does sound like fun. We'll see what I make of the process when I see you going through it." Or until she finds that oh-so-perfect fabric and just has to have it. She can be impulsive when the mood strikes. "I don't usually wear dresses, but... what the heck. People seem to appreciate them."

Waltzing she can do. She'll sit up a bit and give Verity a proper hug - or as proper a hug as she can manage while they sit beneath the tree. "Any time, Verity." And she means it.

(Yeah, that'll do it!)

"It's not that bad, really. I'll even go through getting my full measurements taken to prove it." That part gets a wink. If Verity has no idea what's coming, she won't get the joke, which is totally fine. "Dresses are a nice change of pace from time to time, though I admit pants are the break in every day wear for me these days. It's why I haven't gotten a dress made yet since coming here. But... this seems like a good time to add one or two back to my wardrobe."

She carefully pull away from Verity then stands. After wiping off her pants a bit, she offers a hand to Verity. "Are you busy now? If not... care to do a little shopping with me?"

All hugs are proper hugs so long as there's no unwelcome groping. Verity's not picky about these things.

No, she has no idea what she's in for. Amelia will no doubt be as amused by this as Verity was when the tables were turned. Fair's fair. "They say variety is the spice of life. You'll have to help me with some of the terms. No, I'm not busy. Thanks."

She'll accept the hand up, climbing to her feet with the hiss of someone who hasn't been careful lately. Running until she's numb sounded like a good idea... until she stopped. "You have someplace in mind?"

Amelia's not going to judge for it. She's been there - maybe not to Verity's extreme, but the general understanding is there. They can walk at whatever nice, leisurely pace that Verity sets today. No rushing necessary.

"I have a tailor I've used in the past when I had a need for new shirts and pants that we can start with. If he doesn't think he can do what I'm looking for, we can move on from there. It's not too far, luckily."

There's a moment of hesitation when they begin walking where Amelia thinks about walking around New York City and how comfortable it was being side by side with Verity. She remembers being scared about everything that was going on until she was holding Verity's hand. Cautiously, she holds out a hand to the other woman with a small smile.

Edited 2015-10-26 05:53 (UTC)

"It's a place to start. Did he make what you're wearing today?" She's not up to rushing, but she can keep up a decent pace. The insane running was long enough ago that she's recovering. "I don't mind a walk, so long as we're not running."

She glances down at the offered hand, and a moment later takes it. Who's comforting who this time? Maybe it doesn't matter. "Should we go out for pizza afterward? I think that's our tradition."

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https://youtu.be/ddFAIkUb7A0

Right in the feels.

Yup, but now we get a sister song for for feels: https://youtu.be/1wd1nUB-XkE

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