rogueinladysclothing | Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

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Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Apologies are not something that come easily for Amelia, especially when they're deserved. True, she's only managed one true apology when several are needed, but she finds waiting for resolution after the fact to be even worse.

She hardly goes out anymore. The Fox and Crosier has all the essentials for living, so her only reason for visiting the Commercial District or the Forum is pure curiosity, but even that's in short supply these days. The weight of her actions, of the consequences of a poorly made decision, rest heavily on her. Most hours of the day are spent in the yew tree outside her window, trying to figure what to do next, debating if it's worth going out into public.

On yet another warm and pleasant afternoon, it's in those tree branches that Amelia finds herself. Dressed in the clothes of Verity's world, her hair down, her hair pin being turned over slowly in her hands. She looks as terrible as she feels, but as no one comes to see her here, she doesn't really care.

Someday, she's going to be embarrassed about her current appearance, especially the fact that her hair is full of leaves from the tree.

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"You're welcome." No need to dwell on it. Verity's not doing this to flatter her own ego or anything. "Sure, a quiet corner sounds good."

It's preferable to them both, and not hard to arrange once they're inside. A polite request to the waitress gets them a table in the back, where they have some distance from the other diners and a row of potted plants that help act as a sound barrier within the space between them and the chatter. They can sit and peruse the menu in peace, interrupted only by the waitress bringing them some ginger ales that Verity orders when they sit down.

Oh sweet, delicious ginger ale. Amelia had almost forgotten about your glorious flavor. You're going to be gone by the time the waitress comes to take their order.

"I think I want to try this special pizza they have on the menu," she says after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "The one with Italian sausage, pepperoni, and mushrooms. It sounds interesting." Her menu is set aside and she offers a hand to Verity for when the woman's done looking over the menu. They can keep up with the physical comforts for now. They're doing wondrous things for Amelia's state of being.

The great thing about soda at a pizza parlour is: there's always more. She just needs to ask.

"Mm, that does sound good." Verity sets her menu aside when Amelia does. Since they'd decided on the walk, she was looking out of curiosity more than a need to decide on anything. "That could get pretty spicy. That okay with you?"

Yes, there can be more hand-holding. Verity will hold Amelia's in both of her own, cradled and safe. Pizza and hand-holding is becoming their "thing". Hopefully, Amelia will be able to better handle the people making wrong but well-intentioned assumptions in the future.

When the waitress comes by, she's definitely doing that. More fizzy deliciousness must obtained!

Verity's question gets a bit of a shrug. "I've never had anything like it before, but I think so. I guess we'll find out." Her world is missing some plants that would give the spiciest flavors found in the Nexus, but it does pretty well. She'll be fine, so long as she enjoys the flavor of the pepperoni.

Amelia's going to be decidedly quiet when the waitress does come by, aside from asking for a refill of ginger ale. And she's going to ignore that raised eyebrow being thrown in their direction thank you very much. But the moment the waitress is gone, Amelia leans close and whispers, "Does two people holding hands in public always get a look like that?"

It'll be an education. And if Amelia doesn't end up liking it, they can always switch.

Verity doesn't mind ordering for them both if Amelia's not up to talking to strangers right now. She's going to be exhausted when she gets home, but that's okay. Maybe she'll finally sleep. The waitress' look is met with one of Verity's own, and she is the queen of sarcastic eyebrows. "Some people think it's inappropriate for two people of the same sex to be romantically involved, and hand-holding is often assumed to be for romantic purposes. It's unfortunately common. But it doesn't matter what she thinks. There's nothing wrong with friends comforting each other."

Amelia frowns slightly. "I thought people around here were better about this sort of thing. I mean, I expected the question of 'are the two of you together?' after our adventure with the security guard, but... that kind of reaction seems out of place." She jerks her head toward the kitchen where the waitress disappeared to emphasize her point. "I don't even see that sort of thing in my world, and we seem to be behind in just about every way possible."

"Well... everyone's from someplace different. Maybe some worlds are less understanding of these things than others. It takes all of us time to come to terms with some aspect of life here." She pats Amelia's hand before withdrawing one of hers so she can sip her soda. "Or, who knows, maybe she just got dumped and hates anyone who seems to be in a happy relationship. We don't know."

"I suppose you have a point." She doesn't frown when Verity takes her hand back, but the desire to do so is there. Then her next glass of ginger ale arrives and she's suddenly hiding her face in it while she drinks.

"I feel like I don't know enough about anything to interact with people some days. There's so much history, science, and culture that others take for granted. I've been doing my best to read up on things, but I feel like it's never enough." There's the frown again. "I sometimes wish I could simply know everything in an instant so I don't feel so damn lost in the every day conversations that go on in the Nexus."

Just one of her hands, Amelia. The other is right there still. Nothing to frown about.

"Even if you did somehow know everything instantly, you'd still have to practice," she points out. "There is no ideal answer. Not that I know of. And, look. Maybe your world isn't as technologically advanced as mine... was. But socially, from what you're saying, you're way ahead of us. Maybe there's a sort of balance. Different worlds advance in different directions first."

She only offered one hand to Verity before - how was she supposed to know to grab the other one right away? She's still bad at this physical contact thing, remember? But now that the suggestion is out there, she'll reach for that other free hand.

"Perhaps. It's hard to tell some days." The straw in her cup gets poked around a bit with her free hand. "My perspective on everything going on around here is pretty skewed," she admits softly. "There's just... so much. The scale of it all astounds me to no end."

They'll work on holding off-hands, in that case. It'll all work out.

"Yeah," she agrees quietly. "It's a lot. I try and deal with it in little pieces. It helps sometimes. And there are quiet places too. You don't have to try and do it all at once, Amelia. It's okay to slow down and take your time."

"But I feel like I can't wait that long. If I'm doing this, I need to do it now, to be done with it. Like... like if I'm not doing it all at once, I'm not doing it right."

This would explain why she's done nothing but work toward what seemed an impossible goal since she turned 13, would explain why she didn't stop working when she did achieve it.

"I've always done things this way, for better or worse." She pushes her ginger ale away with a soft sigh. "I guess I've never cared about consequences before now, either."

That would explain why she still acts like a kid. She hasn't given herself space to grow up since she was 13.

Verity sits quietly for a few minutes, thinking, trying to figure out how to explain it. Good gods, she's going to have to resort to metaphor. "If you were trying to grow a plant, it would need sunlight and air and a certain amount of water, right? But it needs those things gradually, at intervals. If you dumped all the water over the plant at once, you'd drown it."

Oh no, not the metaphors! Don't worry, though, Amelia doesn't know Verity's aversion to them, so she's not going to mention the use of it.

Her chin is gently rested on the palm of her hand as she leans her elbow on the table. The urge to retort with some kind of petulant remark is high, but she manages to hold it in by sighing instead. "It makes sense, but it's an entirely different way of thinking for me. I know it's what I need, but getting there... I don't even see how it's possible yet."

The restraint is admirable. She's improved so much already. "Break it down into pieces. Take some time to really think about what you want to do, and what you'll need to get to that, and what you'll need to get to those, and so on. Then pick one thing at the bottom and work on that first."

She takes another sip of her soda and watches the waitress moving around the room out of the corner of her eye. "You're smart, and you're good at making plans. I'm sure you can do this, if you let yourself."

"I don't understand that phrase," she admits. "The 'if you let yourself' bit. Every time I hear it, I feel like I've been doing something wrong with my life. Is it wrong that I wanted better things for my family? That I put their well being and happiness before my own? Sure, you could point out all the things wrong with me now, but if I had done things slightly differently, I could have had the same end result without ending up so..." Fucked up. Undesirable. Hated. "Flawed."

That frown is becoming a permanent feature on her face, it seems. "I hate feeling like I'm disappointing the world without actually knowing everyone in it."

"You aren't disappointing the world, Amelia."

Verity's not going to say anything else until Amelia acknowledges that. She doesn't have to agree, but she has to hear it.

It's a wonderful thing to hear, but it hits her a lot harder than she might have expected. If she's not disappointing everyone, then why does she feel this way? Why does it feel like disappointment is the main thing she feels from everyone around her?

"Then why am I so looked down on by those I meet? Why can't I meet the expectations of someone of my station when I'm doing everything I'm told? I'm trying so fucking hard. It's just never enough."

Fuck. There's tears in her eyes again. She pulls her hands back quickly and covers her face with them. Everything hurts suddenly. After fighting so hard for her family to not feel those things anymore, it hurts to realize she still feels them every day.

Oh, no. Not this again. Verity rubs her temples for a few minutes before giving voice to her weariness. "Amelia, stop it. You're facing a temporary setback. My world was just destroyed. Get some perspective." For heaven's sake, girl.

What a great time for the pizza to be delivered.

...and now she feels even worse. Fuck.

"Y-you're right." See this face waitress lady? It's firmly ignoring you as you set the pizzas down on the table. "I'm overreacting. It'll be fine." That's not a lie, because she didn't say she was fine. She knows she's not. "Just have to work through it."

She's trying hard not to sway to the other end of the spectrum, to completely withdraw and put on a happy facade. No smiling, but she does give Verity a nod before grabbing a slice of her pizza. Her stomach is telling her not to eat it right now, so she'll wait a minute for it to "cool down" before she tries it.

"I'm sorry."

She's going to get used to saying that phrase a lot from here on out.

Verity remembers to thank the waitress, at least. She'll take her time with her pizza, separating the pieces slightly so they can cool faster and so the cheese doesn't glue them together again.

The apologies will be good practice for when she gets home.

"Thank you. I know this isn't easy for you. It isn't easy for anyone. Ginger helps upset stomachs, you know." Yeah, she saw that face Amelia made.

Hopefully there will be less crying when they happen at home.

"Ginger is good for that." The upside of being a spice merchant's daughter - she knows most of the things that will help ease her stomach troubles. Unfortunately, none of them help with the psychological issues that go with them. The fizziness of the soda might, though, so she's going to be drinking some slowly.

"I hope this doesn't reflect poorly on your suggestion of pizza outings. I don't mean to bring down the topic of conversation whenever we go out like this." Yeah, she definitely feels bad about all of this.

Let's hope.

She's going to avail herself of gingery goodness as well. "Neither of us are in an emotional state to maintain cheerful conversation for long. But we won't be this sad forever. It'll be okay." It's a reminder for herself as much as for Amelia. They both need to hear it. Maybe they'll start believing it.

"Maybe next time, a shorter outing?"

It'll take time, but they need to start believing it.

"A shorter outing would be good, yes." Not that she doesn't like Verity, but things are tough for both of them right now. They need some time to recover, still.

Oh look, the pizza is definitely cool enough to try now, so Amelia will be doing that. The pain in her jaw has lessened enough that eating doesn't hurt, but she's still having trouble tasting. What she does taste, though, she enjoys.

"I can't tell if it's too spicy, but I like the flavor." She smiles across the table at Verity.

It's like getting on one's feet again after an accident. Short walks first, to let the muscles get used to activity again. Distance will come with time.

Verity eats slowly, enjoying it but wary of her fickle appetite and not wanting to be too full, just in case. But she can coax up a smile to answer Amelia's. "That's good. You should be able to sample all kinds of sausages, in that case. There's lots of combinations of meat and spices, which should give you some interesting ideas to file away for the future."

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