rogueinladysclothing | Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Current Mood: depressed

Entry tags:

Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Apologies are not something that come easily for Amelia, especially when they're deserved. True, she's only managed one true apology when several are needed, but she finds waiting for resolution after the fact to be even worse.

She hardly goes out anymore. The Fox and Crosier has all the essentials for living, so her only reason for visiting the Commercial District or the Forum is pure curiosity, but even that's in short supply these days. The weight of her actions, of the consequences of a poorly made decision, rest heavily on her. Most hours of the day are spent in the yew tree outside her window, trying to figure what to do next, debating if it's worth going out into public.

On yet another warm and pleasant afternoon, it's in those tree branches that Amelia finds herself. Dressed in the clothes of Verity's world, her hair down, her hair pin being turned over slowly in her hands. She looks as terrible as she feels, but as no one comes to see her here, she doesn't really care.

Someday, she's going to be embarrassed about her current appearance, especially the fact that her hair is full of leaves from the tree.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

They'll work on holding off-hands, in that case. It'll all work out.

"Yeah," she agrees quietly. "It's a lot. I try and deal with it in little pieces. It helps sometimes. And there are quiet places too. You don't have to try and do it all at once, Amelia. It's okay to slow down and take your time."

"But I feel like I can't wait that long. If I'm doing this, I need to do it now, to be done with it. Like... like if I'm not doing it all at once, I'm not doing it right."

This would explain why she's done nothing but work toward what seemed an impossible goal since she turned 13, would explain why she didn't stop working when she did achieve it.

"I've always done things this way, for better or worse." She pushes her ginger ale away with a soft sigh. "I guess I've never cared about consequences before now, either."

That would explain why she still acts like a kid. She hasn't given herself space to grow up since she was 13.

Verity sits quietly for a few minutes, thinking, trying to figure out how to explain it. Good gods, she's going to have to resort to metaphor. "If you were trying to grow a plant, it would need sunlight and air and a certain amount of water, right? But it needs those things gradually, at intervals. If you dumped all the water over the plant at once, you'd drown it."

Oh no, not the metaphors! Don't worry, though, Amelia doesn't know Verity's aversion to them, so she's not going to mention the use of it.

Her chin is gently rested on the palm of her hand as she leans her elbow on the table. The urge to retort with some kind of petulant remark is high, but she manages to hold it in by sighing instead. "It makes sense, but it's an entirely different way of thinking for me. I know it's what I need, but getting there... I don't even see how it's possible yet."

The restraint is admirable. She's improved so much already. "Break it down into pieces. Take some time to really think about what you want to do, and what you'll need to get to that, and what you'll need to get to those, and so on. Then pick one thing at the bottom and work on that first."

She takes another sip of her soda and watches the waitress moving around the room out of the corner of her eye. "You're smart, and you're good at making plans. I'm sure you can do this, if you let yourself."

"I don't understand that phrase," she admits. "The 'if you let yourself' bit. Every time I hear it, I feel like I've been doing something wrong with my life. Is it wrong that I wanted better things for my family? That I put their well being and happiness before my own? Sure, you could point out all the things wrong with me now, but if I had done things slightly differently, I could have had the same end result without ending up so..." Fucked up. Undesirable. Hated. "Flawed."

That frown is becoming a permanent feature on her face, it seems. "I hate feeling like I'm disappointing the world without actually knowing everyone in it."

"You aren't disappointing the world, Amelia."

Verity's not going to say anything else until Amelia acknowledges that. She doesn't have to agree, but she has to hear it.

It's a wonderful thing to hear, but it hits her a lot harder than she might have expected. If she's not disappointing everyone, then why does she feel this way? Why does it feel like disappointment is the main thing she feels from everyone around her?

"Then why am I so looked down on by those I meet? Why can't I meet the expectations of someone of my station when I'm doing everything I'm told? I'm trying so fucking hard. It's just never enough."

Fuck. There's tears in her eyes again. She pulls her hands back quickly and covers her face with them. Everything hurts suddenly. After fighting so hard for her family to not feel those things anymore, it hurts to realize she still feels them every day.

Oh, no. Not this again. Verity rubs her temples for a few minutes before giving voice to her weariness. "Amelia, stop it. You're facing a temporary setback. My world was just destroyed. Get some perspective." For heaven's sake, girl.

What a great time for the pizza to be delivered.

...and now she feels even worse. Fuck.

"Y-you're right." See this face waitress lady? It's firmly ignoring you as you set the pizzas down on the table. "I'm overreacting. It'll be fine." That's not a lie, because she didn't say she was fine. She knows she's not. "Just have to work through it."

She's trying hard not to sway to the other end of the spectrum, to completely withdraw and put on a happy facade. No smiling, but she does give Verity a nod before grabbing a slice of her pizza. Her stomach is telling her not to eat it right now, so she'll wait a minute for it to "cool down" before she tries it.

"I'm sorry."

She's going to get used to saying that phrase a lot from here on out.

Verity remembers to thank the waitress, at least. She'll take her time with her pizza, separating the pieces slightly so they can cool faster and so the cheese doesn't glue them together again.

The apologies will be good practice for when she gets home.

"Thank you. I know this isn't easy for you. It isn't easy for anyone. Ginger helps upset stomachs, you know." Yeah, she saw that face Amelia made.

Hopefully there will be less crying when they happen at home.

"Ginger is good for that." The upside of being a spice merchant's daughter - she knows most of the things that will help ease her stomach troubles. Unfortunately, none of them help with the psychological issues that go with them. The fizziness of the soda might, though, so she's going to be drinking some slowly.

"I hope this doesn't reflect poorly on your suggestion of pizza outings. I don't mean to bring down the topic of conversation whenever we go out like this." Yeah, she definitely feels bad about all of this.

Let's hope.

She's going to avail herself of gingery goodness as well. "Neither of us are in an emotional state to maintain cheerful conversation for long. But we won't be this sad forever. It'll be okay." It's a reminder for herself as much as for Amelia. They both need to hear it. Maybe they'll start believing it.

"Maybe next time, a shorter outing?"

It'll take time, but they need to start believing it.

"A shorter outing would be good, yes." Not that she doesn't like Verity, but things are tough for both of them right now. They need some time to recover, still.

Oh look, the pizza is definitely cool enough to try now, so Amelia will be doing that. The pain in her jaw has lessened enough that eating doesn't hurt, but she's still having trouble tasting. What she does taste, though, she enjoys.

"I can't tell if it's too spicy, but I like the flavor." She smiles across the table at Verity.

It's like getting on one's feet again after an accident. Short walks first, to let the muscles get used to activity again. Distance will come with time.

Verity eats slowly, enjoying it but wary of her fickle appetite and not wanting to be too full, just in case. But she can coax up a smile to answer Amelia's. "That's good. You should be able to sample all kinds of sausages, in that case. There's lots of combinations of meat and spices, which should give you some interesting ideas to file away for the future."

She nods as she finishes a bite. "I'd definitely like to try more things," she agrees. After the first piece is gone, she'll cautiously reach toward Verity's pizza. Now that the first bit of real food is in her stomach, it's reminding her she hasn't really eaten all day. "May I?" Even if it ends up not being her thing, Amelia still wants to try.

"Sure." That's why they got the little ones. Verity nudges her plate over so Amelia can reach. If Amelia's found her appetite again, she may well finish her pizza and half of Verity's before Verity has finished more than a few slices, which would be fine. A nice, quiet meal is a good plan in her book.

Verity's spinach, onions, and mushroom pizza gets a nod of appreciation from Amelia, but she chooses to focus on finishing her own pizza after the one slice. She finishes hers off without much effort, but she doesn't reach for any more of Verity's after she pushes her plate away. The ginger ale gets her attention next and by the time the waitress comes around again to check in on them, she's able to tell her that they're ready for the check.

It's not until she's trying to find money in her pockets that Amelia realizes she doesn't have any of her pouches on her. She frowns a bit at that. She had intended to pay for pizza, since Verity was kind enough to buy the chocolates.

It's not for everyone, but it's good to try once. When Amelia asks for the check, Verity asks for a box so she can take the rest of hers home. Pizza is one of the great leftovers.

She watches Amelia patting herself down for a moment before offering, "My treat."

She gets a small smile for the offer. "Thank you. I promise, the next few pizza outings are on me." It's the least she can do for Verity, given, well, everything that's gone on in the last few weeks.

She nods, accepting the trade. It's very fair. "Feeling better now that you've eaten?"

"A bit, yeah. I could use some more sleep, though. I suddenly feel like I haven't slept in days, even though I haven't done much of anything in that same time." It's another feeling she'll have to work through over the next few days while getting the whole therapy thing sorted.

"Some kinds of sleep is more restful than others. I wouldn't be surprised if you need a lot more rest than you've been getting."

Once the bill comes and the rest of her pizza is slid into a box, she sets down some money. Nexus currency: bills, coins, a shiny rock, a couple of shells. It's very confusing sometimes, but it covers the bill and a tip.

"We should both get some rest soon." If only it were so easy.

The currency thing is one of those mysteries Amelia's momentarily given up on trying to solve. She has more than enough gold, silver, and copper pieces to cover everything she could possibly need for months. And if she keeps taking jobs for Schön, that time could extend out infinitely. Up until the day she ever gets home, that is.

"There will be other days to catch up and figure things out." She gives Verity a small, tired smile before standing and offering her hand. "Walk you back to your place?"

She's probably got the right idea. Verity's more easy-going about the kinds of change she's given. But she's also planning to be a long-term resident.

"It's pretty out of your way," she points out, taking Amelia's offered hand. "Let's walk to the bridge together, then you can head back to the inn and relax."

Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)