rogueinladysclothing | Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

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Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Apologies are not something that come easily for Amelia, especially when they're deserved. True, she's only managed one true apology when several are needed, but she finds waiting for resolution after the fact to be even worse.

She hardly goes out anymore. The Fox and Crosier has all the essentials for living, so her only reason for visiting the Commercial District or the Forum is pure curiosity, but even that's in short supply these days. The weight of her actions, of the consequences of a poorly made decision, rest heavily on her. Most hours of the day are spent in the yew tree outside her window, trying to figure what to do next, debating if it's worth going out into public.

On yet another warm and pleasant afternoon, it's in those tree branches that Amelia finds herself. Dressed in the clothes of Verity's world, her hair down, her hair pin being turned over slowly in her hands. She looks as terrible as she feels, but as no one comes to see her here, she doesn't really care.

Someday, she's going to be embarrassed about her current appearance, especially the fact that her hair is full of leaves from the tree.

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And not talking has been working wonderfully for them, has it?

"Oh, once we start adding different spices to the mix... I should probably confess: I don't think I've had all the options yet either." Once pizza goes fusion, it's all over. Nobody can keep up.

"Hey now. This defeatist attitude is beneath you, Amelia. You're better than this."

To be fair, the only thing that's ever gone well for them is the accounting lessons she gave him. She's the Queen of Bad Timing, which certainly doesn't help. Now she has to hope she gets home so she can try again.

"There must be thousands of combinations - a lifetime would be required to try them all. Or a desire to eat nothing but pizza for several years." She certainly wouldn't expect any one person to try them all. If they find something like before then, there's no need to force yourself to try something new every time you get pizza.

Those eyes of hers are staying glued to her feet. "I can't fix everything in one day," she points out, "and this is something I've done for a very long time. It's going to be a hard thing to un-learn." Her grip on Verity's arm loosens unconsciously as she sighs. "I'm sorry. I am trying, though."

Then it sounds like time to try something new.

"Thousands of thousands, maybe. But you're right, trying to try them all would take a particular kind of dedication that leaves no room for other delicious things. Except you could put it on the pizza, and have the best of both worlds, and now I'm making myself hungry." Now she's having crazy ideas, like mac and cheese pizza. She may be making one for herself one of these days.

"I know. I'm not expecting you to." The loosened hold on her arm means Verity can wrap that arm around her. Now look what you've done, Amelia. "I'm proud of you for trying. But you know, if you're staring at your feet, you can't see your future up ahead. Can you try and look up, just a little?"

Slowly, Amelia nods and looks up at Verity. The best she can offer at this point is a small, sad smile and a slow arm wrapped around Verity's waist. That's what people do when one wraps an arm around the other's shoulders, right? Seriously, this physical comfort/contact stuff is complicated.

"Better?"

Edited 2015-11-01 01:44 (UTC)

"Much better," she agrees. Amelia's shoulders get a gentle squeeze. She may think this stuff is complicated, but she's doing an excellent job so far. Maybe it's not as antithetical to her nature as she thinks? "Things look better this way, don't they?"

With her head up, she can see the pizza place is just down the road. That's always good news.

"Kind of." Honestly? It hurts just putting one foot in front of the other right now, since she has no idea how she's supposed to change everything about herself in order to get better. Small steps are required and right now she's trying to take huge leaps instead. If she had that much trouble with Alex, someone she's known for months, how is she supposed to handle new people? Or people who hate her after what she did?

It's not something she's looking forward to.

Pizza is a welcome sight, but she's starting to look a bit tired. It's been a long day, and the fact that she only managed a few pieces of toast for breakfast doesn't help. The roller coaster of stress has done terrible things to her eating habits as of late.

Nobody's telling her to change everything. Nobody but her. She's more than a bad temper--or she could be if she let herself.

"I know it's not easy, but it's easier if you don't try to do it alone." And she isn't alone. That should be obvious. The tired look isn't great, but they're practically already here, and she needs to eat. Toast and chocolate is not going to get her far. "We can sit down inside and relax a bit," she offers quietly.

She'll come to that realization in time, but for now... well, she's always been one with a flair for the dramatic.

"I appreciate all your help, Verity. Really, I do." If she could be honest about only one thing today, this would be it. Verity has been great and it's a huge relief to have someone like her to go through all of this with. It also means Amelia won't be as willing to withdraw from the world, because now she has a reason to be out in the world.

"A quiet corner? I'm a little overwhelmed right now." She's not suggesting that they disappear completely, but a little distance between them and the rest of the Nexus would be nice right about now.

"You're welcome." No need to dwell on it. Verity's not doing this to flatter her own ego or anything. "Sure, a quiet corner sounds good."

It's preferable to them both, and not hard to arrange once they're inside. A polite request to the waitress gets them a table in the back, where they have some distance from the other diners and a row of potted plants that help act as a sound barrier within the space between them and the chatter. They can sit and peruse the menu in peace, interrupted only by the waitress bringing them some ginger ales that Verity orders when they sit down.

Oh sweet, delicious ginger ale. Amelia had almost forgotten about your glorious flavor. You're going to be gone by the time the waitress comes to take their order.

"I think I want to try this special pizza they have on the menu," she says after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "The one with Italian sausage, pepperoni, and mushrooms. It sounds interesting." Her menu is set aside and she offers a hand to Verity for when the woman's done looking over the menu. They can keep up with the physical comforts for now. They're doing wondrous things for Amelia's state of being.

The great thing about soda at a pizza parlour is: there's always more. She just needs to ask.

"Mm, that does sound good." Verity sets her menu aside when Amelia does. Since they'd decided on the walk, she was looking out of curiosity more than a need to decide on anything. "That could get pretty spicy. That okay with you?"

Yes, there can be more hand-holding. Verity will hold Amelia's in both of her own, cradled and safe. Pizza and hand-holding is becoming their "thing". Hopefully, Amelia will be able to better handle the people making wrong but well-intentioned assumptions in the future.

When the waitress comes by, she's definitely doing that. More fizzy deliciousness must obtained!

Verity's question gets a bit of a shrug. "I've never had anything like it before, but I think so. I guess we'll find out." Her world is missing some plants that would give the spiciest flavors found in the Nexus, but it does pretty well. She'll be fine, so long as she enjoys the flavor of the pepperoni.

Amelia's going to be decidedly quiet when the waitress does come by, aside from asking for a refill of ginger ale. And she's going to ignore that raised eyebrow being thrown in their direction thank you very much. But the moment the waitress is gone, Amelia leans close and whispers, "Does two people holding hands in public always get a look like that?"

It'll be an education. And if Amelia doesn't end up liking it, they can always switch.

Verity doesn't mind ordering for them both if Amelia's not up to talking to strangers right now. She's going to be exhausted when she gets home, but that's okay. Maybe she'll finally sleep. The waitress' look is met with one of Verity's own, and she is the queen of sarcastic eyebrows. "Some people think it's inappropriate for two people of the same sex to be romantically involved, and hand-holding is often assumed to be for romantic purposes. It's unfortunately common. But it doesn't matter what she thinks. There's nothing wrong with friends comforting each other."

Amelia frowns slightly. "I thought people around here were better about this sort of thing. I mean, I expected the question of 'are the two of you together?' after our adventure with the security guard, but... that kind of reaction seems out of place." She jerks her head toward the kitchen where the waitress disappeared to emphasize her point. "I don't even see that sort of thing in my world, and we seem to be behind in just about every way possible."

"Well... everyone's from someplace different. Maybe some worlds are less understanding of these things than others. It takes all of us time to come to terms with some aspect of life here." She pats Amelia's hand before withdrawing one of hers so she can sip her soda. "Or, who knows, maybe she just got dumped and hates anyone who seems to be in a happy relationship. We don't know."

"I suppose you have a point." She doesn't frown when Verity takes her hand back, but the desire to do so is there. Then her next glass of ginger ale arrives and she's suddenly hiding her face in it while she drinks.

"I feel like I don't know enough about anything to interact with people some days. There's so much history, science, and culture that others take for granted. I've been doing my best to read up on things, but I feel like it's never enough." There's the frown again. "I sometimes wish I could simply know everything in an instant so I don't feel so damn lost in the every day conversations that go on in the Nexus."

Just one of her hands, Amelia. The other is right there still. Nothing to frown about.

"Even if you did somehow know everything instantly, you'd still have to practice," she points out. "There is no ideal answer. Not that I know of. And, look. Maybe your world isn't as technologically advanced as mine... was. But socially, from what you're saying, you're way ahead of us. Maybe there's a sort of balance. Different worlds advance in different directions first."

She only offered one hand to Verity before - how was she supposed to know to grab the other one right away? She's still bad at this physical contact thing, remember? But now that the suggestion is out there, she'll reach for that other free hand.

"Perhaps. It's hard to tell some days." The straw in her cup gets poked around a bit with her free hand. "My perspective on everything going on around here is pretty skewed," she admits softly. "There's just... so much. The scale of it all astounds me to no end."

They'll work on holding off-hands, in that case. It'll all work out.

"Yeah," she agrees quietly. "It's a lot. I try and deal with it in little pieces. It helps sometimes. And there are quiet places too. You don't have to try and do it all at once, Amelia. It's okay to slow down and take your time."

"But I feel like I can't wait that long. If I'm doing this, I need to do it now, to be done with it. Like... like if I'm not doing it all at once, I'm not doing it right."

This would explain why she's done nothing but work toward what seemed an impossible goal since she turned 13, would explain why she didn't stop working when she did achieve it.

"I've always done things this way, for better or worse." She pushes her ginger ale away with a soft sigh. "I guess I've never cared about consequences before now, either."

That would explain why she still acts like a kid. She hasn't given herself space to grow up since she was 13.

Verity sits quietly for a few minutes, thinking, trying to figure out how to explain it. Good gods, she's going to have to resort to metaphor. "If you were trying to grow a plant, it would need sunlight and air and a certain amount of water, right? But it needs those things gradually, at intervals. If you dumped all the water over the plant at once, you'd drown it."

Oh no, not the metaphors! Don't worry, though, Amelia doesn't know Verity's aversion to them, so she's not going to mention the use of it.

Her chin is gently rested on the palm of her hand as she leans her elbow on the table. The urge to retort with some kind of petulant remark is high, but she manages to hold it in by sighing instead. "It makes sense, but it's an entirely different way of thinking for me. I know it's what I need, but getting there... I don't even see how it's possible yet."

The restraint is admirable. She's improved so much already. "Break it down into pieces. Take some time to really think about what you want to do, and what you'll need to get to that, and what you'll need to get to those, and so on. Then pick one thing at the bottom and work on that first."

She takes another sip of her soda and watches the waitress moving around the room out of the corner of her eye. "You're smart, and you're good at making plans. I'm sure you can do this, if you let yourself."

"I don't understand that phrase," she admits. "The 'if you let yourself' bit. Every time I hear it, I feel like I've been doing something wrong with my life. Is it wrong that I wanted better things for my family? That I put their well being and happiness before my own? Sure, you could point out all the things wrong with me now, but if I had done things slightly differently, I could have had the same end result without ending up so..." Fucked up. Undesirable. Hated. "Flawed."

That frown is becoming a permanent feature on her face, it seems. "I hate feeling like I'm disappointing the world without actually knowing everyone in it."

"You aren't disappointing the world, Amelia."

Verity's not going to say anything else until Amelia acknowledges that. She doesn't have to agree, but she has to hear it.

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