rogueinladysclothing | Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

Following the Khan invasion, Adia sends a text message to Amelia, wanting to make sure that her newest friend is okay. The woman's terse reply, combined with the fact that she is close friends with Steve (a fact helpfully provided by Blaze in the aftermath), has Adia concerned.

That concern turns to worry when Amelia does not return any of her other texts, so she heads to the Nexus library in the hopes of finding her. But the library is huge, even bigger than she remembered. She gawks at its many levels and wonders how in the Twelve Colonies she will ever find her friend.

Then she thinks... where would she go in the library if she didn't want to be disturbed?

She finds Amelia's room on the second try.

Knocking lightly on the frame of the door, she waits there timidly for Amelia to look at her before speaking. "Hey, um... I thought I'd take you up on your offer to meet you at the library." In contrast to their last meeting, Adia's hair and clothes are clean, and although she isn't smiling, there's a vitality within her that shines through regardless. "How are you holding up?"

Amelia doesn't need Adia to speak to know that the woman is there. Part of her is glad for the company of someone who knew Steve, but at the same time, there are so many traditions that Adia doesn't know from her world. If she stays, she'll speak Steve's name and ask how they knew each other, and Amelia doesn't want that. She doesn't want the woman to know she's still hurting. She can handle it on her own. Somehow.

"I'm fine." She doesn't look up as she speaks, instead turning another page over in the book in front of her and following the words closely with her eyes. "Doing some research, as I'm wont to do most days." A beat, and then she finally looks up at Adia. Even a quick glance tells her that Adia's not here to read, though she's glad to see the woman looking so much better than the last time they met.

"No book?" she asks, gesturing to her empty hands. "I'd have thought you'd come visit me in the library to catch up on some reading."

It's the same answer as the one on her PINpoint, and Adia believes it about as much now as she did back then. Amelia may not be sobbing into a carton of ice cream, but Adia knows grief when she sees it. It's a constant companion, where she's from, and her heart hurts to see her friend carrying the same burden.

"Oh, um..." She blushes, having been caught out. She wants to admit that checking on Amelia was her top priority, but the forced casualness of the query makes her suddenly feel rather self-conscious. "I, um... I wanted to find you first. To see how you were doing. I'll, uh... I'll go get that book I wanted. Be right back."

She hurries off, afraid that Amelia will disappear on her. Fortunately, the room is not far from the reference section, and Adia wanted to read up on pokemon anyway, so it isn't long before she returns, a thick book in her hands, a shiny embossed poke ball on the cover. "Found it," she says, holding it up proudly. "May I join you?"

As much as Amelia wants to believe that she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, her grief is painfully obvious. The black clothes, the bags under her eyes, the expressionless face. There's none of the rogue's usual fire and spirit to be seen anywhere on her person.

When Adia returns with something to read, Amelia gestures to the several empty seats at the small table she's set up at without looking up from her book again. "The library's open to everyone," she says as she picks up her pen to scribble a few meaningless words in her notebook. "And I invited you to join me whenever you felt like it. Feel free to sit down." She carefully avoids actually inviting Adia to sit, as she'd still rather be alone right now, but as long as they don't stray onto topics she's not comfortable with, they'll be fine.

"How are things back home?" she asks when she hears Adia settle in at the table. Her eyes lift from her book momentarily to make sure Adia knows she's talking to her before she retreats back into her book. "Have things calmed down at all?"

Adia can read between the lines of Amelia's lukewarm invitation. It makes her second guess herself while she looks over her seating options. Who is she to intrude on someone else's grief? But... well, where would she be now, if no one had attempted to comfort her when she needed it most? She won't give up on her new friend, as awkward as the situation is.

Finally selecting a seat on the same side of the table, but with enough distance so she doesn't crowd up against her research materials, she settles in and flips her book open to its table of contents. "Oh... oh, they're, um, much better," she answers, surprised by Amelia's voice. She smiles, glad the other woman is willing to talk to her. "When the Cylons occupied New Caprica, the military was able to escape. They returned recently and rescued us. We're all back on our ships now, looking for Earth."

She may be in a terrible mood, but Amelia's honestly glad to hear that things are getting better for Adia. A small smile tugs at the corner of her lip and she scribbles a few notes for herself about what's going on in Adia's world for herself for later reference in her notebook. Guess it's good for something today after all.

"That's great," she says, looking up at Adia again. Her smile warms a little as she watches her friend get settled. It's helpful to have someone to focus on that isn't herself so she can ignore the elephant in the room that is her crushing grief. "I trust the recovery from your time here wasn't too difficult?" She only asks because she understands. Hangovers are not fun, probably even less so when you get magical help to get through the worst of it.

It's good to see some warmth in that smile. "No, it... I was okay," she replies, willing to ignore the elephant in the room for a while longer. "The evacuation was the very next morning, and... well, turns out a flood of adrenaline is an amazing cure for a hangover." She absently rubs the left side of her face. "Not everybody made it... and I almost didn't, either. I'm grateful to be here."

She glances at Amelia's notebook, but she's not in a position to see her scribbling. Not that she would read it, anyway, that would be rude. "What kind of research are you doing?"

"I'm glad you're here, too." Well, not at this exact moment, but as she's already here Amelia will let that pass. She really is glad that Adia made it through all the intense things that were happening on her world and is now safe, or at least as safe as someone can be in a situation like hers.

Another scribbled note for herself as she shrugs half-heartedly. "Research about elemental magic, mostly fire for now. And, hopefully, some protective magic as well, if I feel up to it today." Which she doesn't, but that's why people are allowed to check books out from the library, right? Glancing back down at her book, she shrugs again. "I'm not sure my research is getting me anywhere. I'm still unable to do much with what little skill I currently have aside from lighting candles from across the room and other trivial things." That's the most frustrating part; She was supposed to be able to learn how to protect those she cared about with her magic and yet she can barely manage anything with it after a year. If she knew anything about protecting others, she could have done so much more when Khan attacked the Nexus. She could have been there to protect--

The feeling of heat rising to her face stops her thoughts as a sudden panic sets in. Crying is normal and allowed when she can do it silently and alone, but not in the library. And certainly not in front of Adia. She takes in a sharp breath and shakes her head, looking at the wall - and away from Adia - quickly.

"Probably just overthinking it," she says quickly. "I'll get there eventually. I have to." Before she loses someone else she truly cares about.

Adia smiles tentatively. Thanks." Amelia's body language doesn't entirely agree with those words, but she'll take it for the broader sentiment. The woman obviously cares about her, enough to ask about her situation despite her own grief.

It doesn't entirely surprise her that Amelia can do magic, as it seems to fit in well with the world she is from. She listens to her troubles with sympathetic eyes. Microbiology and magic don't have much in common, but Adia knows what it's like to have one's research not go anywhere. She opens her mouth to commiserate --

And shuts it just as quickly when Amelia looks away. There was a moment it seemed like she might cry. Adia sits there silently, fidgeting with the cover of her book, wishing she had the right words to get at the heart of Amelia's troubles and ease her burden. "That sounds frustrating," she says instead, going with her original response. "Is there another way for you to learn magic, other than from books?"

The original response is probably the better option. Amelia takes in a deep breath, exhaling slowly to try and mask the shaking. It doesn't entirely work. "I had someone who was going to teach me, or at least help me find someone appropriate to teach me, but we..." She lets out another, shakier breath. "I'll have to find one on my own at some point. I've been reluctant because I don't know who to trust."

She's silent for a few moments as she breathes through the sudden rush of emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. They're still there, waiting for their chance to break through, but there's no chance of tears running down her face as she slowly turns back to her books. "Books are much easier to deal with," she says softly, running her fingers through the air a few inches above the pages of the open book. "Not as much of a chance of hurting myself with a book, or hurting someone else if I mess up." Learning from books has always been an easy thing for her, but learning about horticulture or history is a lot different from learning something practical.

Silence hangs in the air again, this time a little more comfortable than the last. "How did you learn your trade?" Amelia asks suddenly, drawing her hand to her chest and looking over at Adia. "Did you study books or was the instruction hands on?" It's not as random a thought as it might seem. If she understands how Adia learned, there's a chance she can take the same idea and apply it to her situation.

"Oh... I wish I knew someone to recommend, but I'm clueless about magic." She thinks of her friend Felix, the only mage she knows remotely related to fire magic, but immediately dismisses the suggestion. Amelia is looking for someone she can trust, after all.

Watching Amelia struggle to regain control of her emotions reminds Adia of all the times she tried to stop herself from crying. She was never very good at it, and she both admires her friend's willpower and worries about her even more. "Books are safe," she agrees, matching Amelia's soft tone. "But you can't learn everything from a book... as much as I wish that were the case."

Surprised by the sudden question, she sits up straighter, secretly relieved. This is something she can answer easily, with no worry of uncomfortable silences. "It was both," she replies, "From the very beginning, we'd have both a lecture and a lab. Books are great at explaining concepts, but to actually implement what we'd learned, we needed to do experiments of our own."

"It's all right. It's something I should do on my own anyway." Not that Felix wouldn't be an interesting choice of teacher for her, but she doesn't want to burden her friend by asking him to teach her to control and use her magic. Or tell him how and why she came by it in the first place.

"Lab?" she asks, her head tilting a little in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand. I know what an experiment is, but my world didn't have... whatever a lab is." There's always more concepts to learn, it seems, and this is an actually an interesting one. Ways to learn new things always interest the rogue, even if she's not particularly in it for the pursuit of knowledge alone. But now that the floodgates on questions are open, Amelia's got a lot more to ask. "How does a lab work? Is it a place or a thing? Can you have a lab anywhere?" ...sorry Adia, but this rogue isn't about to let up until she understands everything she can.

It's short for laboratory," she says, not because she thinks that Amelia will know what that means, either, but because it's important to use the correct terminology, especially if she has to explain something from scratch. Not that Adia minds in the slightest. Although not a teacher by trade, she enjoys helping other people learn, especially when it is somehow related to science.

And it's also a topic that has nothing to do with recent traumatic events! Adia smiles, looking as relaxed as she's been since she first entered the room. "It's a place to run experiments, or analyze data. It'll contain whatever equipment you need to run the experiment... does your world have alchemists? Their setup is probably similar to what a lab looks like."

"Laboratory," she repeats, shifting her gaze down to her notebook as she takes up her pen for more notes. Not everything Adia's saying makes complete sense yet, but the conversation is far from over and there's always time to do research later. She's halfway through writing the question about alchemists out when she realizes it was actually a question for her. Setting the pen tip down on some of her earlier "notes," she thinks a little more carefully about her answer. "There are some alchemists on my world, and a small number of people who dabble in explosives as well. They often have workshops with large tables to work on and many vials of ingredients in their storerooms. They likely have some specialized tools as well, but I admit I was never close enough to any of them to see their workshops in person." The only workshop she ever saw was her friend Nathan's and even though his master occasionally made explosives, the man had taken all of his supplies with him when he'd left her hometown of Masarra.

There's a large blot of ink at the tip of her fountain pen on the page when Amelia looks back down at the page. She sets aside the pen and flips a few pages over in the notebook, frowning as she sees how deep the mark goes. "Dreams," she curses softly, "I'll have to redo some of these notes later." At least it'll be a good distraction for her mind after Adia leaves, even if it is a little frustrating. Sighing a little, she turns back to her current page and then looks up at Adia again. "Tell me more about these labs you learned in?" she asks, trying to move away from her frustration quickly. "What kinds of things are in them? Were they part of someone's home like an alchemist's workshop is on my world?"

An alchemist's workshop isn't a perfect analogy -- nor should it be, because it's not science, darn it -- but it's a frame of reference that Adia can use to better answer Amelia's questions. She doesn't get anywhere before she notices the ink blot, however. "I'm sorry," she says reflexively. "Um, I could try to get you a ballpoint pen instead? They don't leak."

She waits for Amelia's attention before answering her questions, starting with the easiest first. "Labs are almost never in someone's home. They're at universities, or in buildings owned by private companies who do their own research and development. Or they're funded directly by the government, like the labs on my ship."

"As for what's in them... well, it depends on what you're studying. There are workbenches where we can set up our experiments, and desks with computers to analyze our data or look up research papers. Our lab has microscopes -- those are machines that let you see very tiny things."

She waves a hand at the offer, frowning harder at the pen. "It's fine. I can use the pen without issue most days. I just need to pay more attention to what I'm doing." She's not used to having a companion while she does research, especially one offering conversation engaging enough to distract her from her writing.

And everything Adia's saying is distracting enough that Amelia eventually abandons her pen to listen. She turns her whole body to Adia, her eyes slightly wide as she takes it all in. None of this compares well to things on her world, but her time in the Nexus allows her to understand the basics - at least of the machines. The mechanics of illnesses themselves are still completely foreign to her.

"How does seeing tiny things help with your work?" she asks after a brief, thoughtful pause. "People simply get sick from overtaxing their bodies or being of weak constitution, right? So why would a machine that allows you to look at tiny things even help?"

"Oh... okay." She really wishes that Amelia had said yes. It would have been a way that Adia could help her, however small. Fidgeting a little with her scarf, she adds quietly, "Let me know if you change your mind."

She has her undivided attention, though. That's good. Amelia's question about microscopes trips her up for a moment. She's used to misconceptions about disease, but the multiverse is fond of throwing her a new one every time it comes up in conversation. "Um... some people get sick from those things. But some diseases are caused by germs -- bacteria or viruses that enter our body and make us ill. You need a microscope to see them."

She nods a little, brushing off the offer with a calmly spoken, "I will." Not that she actually will, but lying has never bothered the rogue before and it certainly doesn't now.

"How do these germs make people sick?" One question about disease has apparently led to a whole string of them. Amelia leans forward a little, crossing her arms in front of chest as her head tilts curiously. "Do they have some need to do this to people? Or is it chance to gets one person sick while another stays healthy?" These questions are much more complicated than the rogue realizes, but she has no way of knowing that until she asks them.

They are good questions, but with deceptively complex answers, and it takes Adia a moment to gather her thoughts on how best to explain things to her friend. "Germs enter our bodies and use us like... a factory, basically, to make more copies of themselves. This causes all sorts of problems for us, depending on the germ, as our body tries to get rid of them.

"As for who gets sick and who doesn't... well, we're still trying to figure that out on my world. But it isn't pure chance. Some people naturally have stronger immune systems than others -- that means their bodies are better at fighting off illness. And with certain precautions, you can be around ill people and not get sick yourself."

Amelia doesn't mind the complexity of the answers, and the ones Adia gives her now are surprisingly easy for her to break down and understand. She works her way through all of them for a moment before she asks another, equally challenging one. One that hurts, though she does her best to ignore that for now.

"And people with weak bodies... do the germs prefer them? Is that why they're sick so much more often?"

Adia nods, not aware of the significance of Amelia's follow-up question. "Every body comes equipped with a network of cells, tissues, and organs that work together to protect it. But they don't all work equally well in all people. If someone's immune system is compromised, they'll get sick more frequently, and they'll get sick from germs that otherwise wouldn't have any effect on a healthy body."

Her heart sinks a little at the answer, if only because she can't stop it from calling up memories of the many times she held her little sister when the girl was ill with some small cold that barely affected the rest of her family. Or thinking of Steve when she'd found him ill at his apartment, once by her own hand when she knocked him into the snow when she was blinded by grief and rage at the end of the previous Winter. She frowns, her gaze falling to the floor between her and Adia.

"Is there no way to help them? To make them stronger so that they don't get sick so often and so harshly?" It's a vain hope and anything she learns she can't take back to her sister, but if Steve comes back... if she could only help him... it might be worth the struggle through the pain now.

As subtle as Amelia is trying to be, Adia can tell that her question isn't hypothetical. She leans forward, brow pinched with worry. Who is her friend worried about? Steve, maybe?
He could certainly due with a healthier set of lungs, but a better immune system isn't much help against blunt force trauma...

It's a morbid thought, and she pushes it roughly from her mind. Unfortunately, there isn't any sort of helpful, uplifting answer to take its place. "It depends on what part of the immune system is weak, but possible therapies vary from person to person." She tugs a little at the ends of her scarf and adds, "Sometimes the best solution is preventative. Vaccines, hand-washing... making sure they aren't around anyone who's sick."

What small attempt at subtlety Amelia might or might not have been trying for falls away at that answer. She grips her arms tightly, hugging them closer to herself where they're crossed over her chest as it tightens from the pain. Breathing becomes a little difficult, but there's another question she has to ask before the words don't come out anymore.

"So what happens when those same people get badly injured? Is it... harder for them to recover?" The real, unspoken question is there underneath the first ones: Is there any chance of Steve coming home?

Ah, so it is about Steve. Adia opens her mouth, quick to reassure her friend --

But the words don't come. Because the unfortunate truth is that she doesn't know if Steve's fragile constitution will make his recovery that much more difficult. She knows a lot about disease, but only in its details -- the DNA of a bacteria, the protein shell of a virus. Even when it comes to her first aid training, it's about fixing what she can and sending the person on their way. She doesn't know what happens afterwards.

She doesn't know.

Shutting her mouth, she swallows hard, then admits, "I... don't know if it's harder for -- for someone like that to recover." Hurriedly, she adds, "But I can find out for you. I'm sure there are several papers on the topic, maybe even a whole book." She'll read it cover to cover if she has to, if it can give Amelia, give them both some answers.

The metaphorical weight she's been feeling becomes a very real one as she slumps forward, her elbows finding her knees and her hands covering her face. Adia may not be a healer, but she knows enough to make educated guesses. And if she doesn't have an answer, if she's scrambling like this? Amelia's certain she knows the truth.

"Don't bother." Her voice is muffled behind her hands, and thick with the effort of holding back tears. "I don't want hope when he's... he won't... c-come..."

Anything further she might have said is cut off by the lack of air in her lungs. She can't breathe through the pain anymore. Her shoulders shake as silent sobs wrack her body and tears slip out down her cheeks. Her closest friend, one of the only people who cared about her, is gone and he's not coming back. It hurts like all of the heartache she's ever experienced coming down on her all at once and she can't even think straight enough to try to hide. To run.

She struggles for a few moments for a breath, inhaling sharply when she finally manages it. "I-I can't... I can't do this. I can't be here without... h-him." Her fingers inch their way up her face and grip her hair tightly, pulling some of it loose from the braid it's pulled back into as the sadness turns quickly to grief-fueled rage. "I can't lose the last person in this place who means this much to me!"

It's hard to watch Amelia's composure crack, to see her sit and cry, when Adia doesn't know what she can say or do to comfort her. All she has is her hope that Steve will pull through, but it seems so inadequate now, a tiny refuge in the middle of a vast, relentless storm.

She knows what it's like to lose the one person you cared about the most, after you've lost nearly everything else. What would she have wanted someone to say to her, in those hours she sat alone with Caspar's body? Tentatively, she reaches out and places her hand on Amelia's back, a gentle touch of the other woman will allow it. "It may feel like you're all alone, but you're not. I promise. I'm here and I'll stay here, as long as you need me."

A touch, even a comforting one, isn't something Amelia usually tolerates. She looks up sharply at Adia, her face contorted with anger and a dozen curses at the ready, when the other woman speaks. And suddenly, all the rage and anguish fall away, leaving only the emptiness and pain behind. Her lips tremble, and then her whole body shakes as her mind struggles to catch up to everything going on right now.

What's happening here? Why is she being so nice? No one cares about the rogue or her feelings. Dreams, in this moment Amelia's half certain not even Steve did. But here Adia sits, offering her time and her care to someone she doesn't really know, to someone who's worth so little to anyone.

"Why...?" Her voice is a hoarse whisper as she forces it out around a fresh wave of tears. "Why would you do that for... for me? I'm nothing, I'm no one. I don't--" Her breath catches in her chest and she drops her gaze to the floor, her hands covering her face again as she shakes her head. "I don't deserve such kindness. And you... You should go, before I... hurt you, too."

Adia jerks her hand back in the face of Amelia's rage. It's not often that an angry face is directed at her, and it triggers within her a sudden urge to flee. She sits back, a fearful apology on her lips --

And then it's gone, and her friend is sobbing fresh tears. Adia leans forward again, but keeps her hands in her lap. Amelia is grieving, but it's angry and full of self-loathing. Adia doesn't know how to deal with such negative emotions, but she's willing to try, especially because it sounds like no one else has.

"It's okay, I should have asked first before touching you." She thinks back to how her friends handled her anger and grief over losing Caspar a second time. "You can talk or, um... I can talk, or we can both just sit here, But I'm not going to leave you, Amelia. You're my friend, and you'd do the same for me." She pauses a beat and adds, "You did do the same for me, and you didn't even know me then. You deserve plenty."

Her eyes widen as the reality of what Adia's saying sinks in. It had seemed natural to stay with with the woman after offering her advice, and to make sure she got back to her world safely. Had she really done the right thing for someone without noticing? Was that what people usually wanted when they needed comfort? And...

...were they truly friends so soon?

"I..." She's too stunned to finish her first thought. Slowly, she draws her hands away from her face and sits up. It takes a few moments of breathing to calm herself enough to meet Adia's gaze, and even then it's more confused than anything else. How is it she found herself here with such a kind person and why do they care so soon after meeting her? It doesn't make sense, not where a person like Amelia is concerned.

"I don't... know how to be someone's friend," she admits softly, resting her hands on her knees palm up. "And I don't know what to do right now. I'm not used to being around... well, anyone when I'm like this." Usually she drives them away or is hiding in such a deep hole as to avoid everyone entirely. Being out in public like this, and having then been found, is a new thing for her.

The surprise is unexpected, and Adia dwells on it while waiting patiently for Amelia to gather her thoughts. Is it really that unusual for anyone to show this woman kindness? No wonder she's taking losing Steve so hard. He would never have left her otherwise.

When Amelia finally meets her gaze, she smiles softly and offers a hand. it's up to Amelia if she wants to take it, and she won't be offended if she doesn't. "You just need more experience. It doesn't come easily for anyone at first. And I don't think anyone knows what to do when they're grieving, either. I've been around loss for so long, and the only two things that I've learned is that it takes time to heal, and it's different for everybody."

For a long moment, she stares at Adia's offered hand. It's extended both in friendship and comfort and she doesn't know how to handle either of those things. She's let so few people in when something truly hurt her, and she's always managed to drive those same people away simply by being herself. Adia doesn't deserve that, but she's... not giving comfort when Amelia's asking for it; She's offering it before the rogue could even bring herself to ask.

Slowly, cautiously, Amelia reaches out and rests her hand in Adia's. Her fingers are trembling ever so slightly, but she can't stop that. Not when she's this scared and unsure.

"I'm better at driving people away than anything else," she says softly, her eyes lingering on their outstretched hands. Adia's hand feels so warm, but... maybe that's normal? She honestly doesn't know. "I also never mourn like this. At some point I usually just... bury it, and move on." It's healthier than the alternative of letting it consume her, even if she knows it would be better to work through it. But that's so much more difficult when she thinks she has to do it completely alone.

Not only offering comfort, but comfort on Amelia's terms. She's gotten too used to her friends being casual with physical signs of affection, she'll be more careful of Amelia's space from now on.

But, at least for now, hand-holding is acceptable. Keeping her gently encouraging smile, she holds her friend's hand, her grip loose enough that Amelia can pull away easily at any time. "I've never been able to do that... not for long, anyway. What, um... what do you think is different about things this time?"

It's still scary, but knowing she can pull back whenever she wants or if she gets too scared goes a long way toward making her comfortable. Comfortable enough that her hand stops shaking after a few moments. Small steps, but each one is important.

Her lips tug into a frown as she stares at their hands. "Everything is different. He--" She pauses to catch her breath, finding her chest painfully tight as she tries to form her thoughts into words. "He's one of the first people who gave a damn about me here. One of the first people I admitted to being my friend anywhere I've ever been. And he..." She sighs softly, unconsciously curling her fingers around Adia's. "He was like family to me. And family, it... it means everything to me. To lose him hurts more than I can possibly explain."

The loss of her own family nearly destroyed her, but she pushed through it, buried the pain beneath her will to survive and the knowledge that her world is still out there, somewhere, protected from this place. But Steve... he's not coming back and she has no idea how to handle that. Her eyes well up with tears again at the thought and her grip on the other woman's fingers tightens.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs, still trying to breathe through the pain. "This is really hard for me."

Adia keeps her hand steady, content to let Amelia hold it as loosely or as tightly as she sees fit. "He's a good friend," she agrees quietly. "I can see why he means so much to you." She wasn't nearly as close to Steve, but she can easily empathize with her loss. "Friends like that are hard to come by, even for me. I'm sure he felt the same about you."

Is that why Adia can sit here, dry-eyed, while Amelia pours out her grief? Well, yes, the fact that she was only starting to become good friends makes her own loss less traumatic. But more importantly, she hasn't given up hope that he'll return some day, alive and well. It burns within her, small and steady, and keeps her tears at bay.

But Amelia doesn't want that hope, so Adia doesn't suggest it, even though she wishes that her hope was a tangible thing, something she could share.

"It's okay," She reassures Amelia. "I know it's hard to talk about it. I've lost family, too, and even thinking about them hurt too much, at first. But whatever you want to say, I'll listen."

She shakes her head again. What else is there to say about this? All she knows is that it hurts because he's not coming back. Steve was all but dead when she last saw him and now he's gone. What hope is there that he'll come back after all of that?

"I don't know what to do now that he's gone," she manages after a moment, ignoring the tears that have started rolling down her flushed cheeks again. "He was my closest friend and I... I still barely saw or spoke to him. I was such a terrible friend. I didn't deserve his friendship, let alone the precious gifts he gave me."

Her phone, the oils she uses for her leathers, the family of her portrait... She doesn't deserve them any more than she deserved to be his friend. A sinner like her - what is she worthy of anyway? Hiding here in the Nexus and claiming she's doing right by her all but forgotten world. Strong as she may seem, she knows she's a selfish coward and Steve's bravery during the horrid battle with Khan only goes to prove that he deserved so much more from her.

Her head falls forward and her whole body slumps inward under the weight of her despair. "This is all so wrong. He never should have been hurt like this for doing the right thing for others. It's not fair."

It's only a fraction of the hurt that Amelia must feel, but it's still painful to watch her friend going through such agony. She wants to give her a hug, but decides instead to pull out a clean tissue from her jacket pocket with her free hand, the other still holding onto Amelia's. "Here," she offers softly. "And you aren't a terrible friend. It's easy to let time pass in between visits." Sometimes you can let three whole months pass and wind up in a completely different Nexus. She would never judge someone for not staying in frequent touch.

Adia can't know the depth of Amelia's self-loathing, she can only see the despair that is weighing her down. But the unjustness of Steve's injuries, that they can agree on. "No, it's not fair at all... nothing about this invasion was fair." She falls silent for a moment, weighing over the worth of what she's about to say. "I don't think there's any way you could have convinced him to stay out of it, though. He very much wanted to help."

Rather than take the offered tissue, Amelia take Adia's offered hand into her own and clings tightly to it. Touching is a strange, often terrifying thing, but dreams does it make her feel better right now.

"I should've been there for him." She doesn't look up at all as she speaks, still unable to push back against the heaviness she feels. "B-before this and... and during this. I should have been there. Maybe then I could have... I-I could... have..." Her grip on Adia's hands tightens and the rest of her body sinks below the level of their hands. She's shaking like a leaf, but she's too lost in her feelings of grief to sense it. "I would have taken the fall for him, if I could have."

The additional hand-holding surprises Adia, but only for a moment. She adjusts her grip so Amelia can hold onto her comfortably, but it feels so inadequate, especially as the other woman seems determined to sink to the ground in her despair.

"I know you would have." She has no doubt of that. "But it's not your fault that you didn't. I know it's easy to blame yourself because... because then you'll have a reason for why it happened. But I don't think Steve would want you to blame yourself, or gotten hurt in his place."

She gives both of Amelia's hands a gentle squeeze. "Would you like a hug instead?"

She's not sure how to answer, or even how to handle someone trying to lift her back up from the darkness. No one does this sort of thing for her. No one ever gets close enough to know these feelings exist in her in the first place. And the last time she tried letting someone in, she ended up ruining it by being selfish.

Is it okay for her to want this? Is it okay to be so close to someone again?

Exhaling a deep, shaking breath, she tightens her grip on Adia's hands again.

"I... think I would."

Adia smiles, relieved that she hadn't overstepped Amelia's boundaries. "Okay." She carefully lets go of the other woman's hands before scooting closer and wrapping her arms around her in a comforting hug for as long as Amelia needs it.

It's such an odd thing, really. To know you're safe and yet not be able to give into it.

For a few seconds, Amelia doesn't react to the hug. She sits there, completely nonplussed and unsure of herself. She's hugged so few people who weren't family that she's not sure what to do. Where does she rest her hands that isn't awkward for both people? How long does she hold on? What if Adia doesn't like how she hugs? ...should she pull back if that's true? What if... what if...

It takes another few shaky breaths before she manages to wrap her arms around Adia in return. Her chin automatically finds its way to the other woman's shoulder and it feels... good. So good that, despite all of her thoughts and efforts to the contrary, Amelia presses her face into the fabric resting on Adia's shoulder and allows herself to break down, to let it all go. To not let the crushing weight and sadness overwhelm her, just for a moment.

She has no idea how long she stays there, weeping and shaking as she lets her grief out in the only way she can, but when she does her eyes burn, her throat is raw, and there's a pervasive weakness in her entire body as if she'd just put herself through all of her physical paces twice over.

"Thank you," she whispers, not pulling back from the other woman yet. "Thank you for being... here with me."

Those first few seconds, she keeps her arms steady, her breathing slow and calm as she lets Amelia decide if a hug is what she really wants. There is a whisper of doubt in the back of her mind that maybe she shouldn't have offered, not everyone benefits from physical contact, Amelia has enough on her plate without dealing with her clichéd attempts at helping --

And then Amelia's arms wrap around her, her head resting on her shoulder... and the tears. The doubts leave her mind -- this is what Amelia needs. It probably won't be enough to take away her grief, but it's a good start. She tightens her grip ever so slightly, to remind Amelia that she's still here, for as long as the woman needs.

When the tears slow and the whispered gratitude follows, Adia loosely holds her and replies softly, "You're welcome. Take as much time as you need."

Her hold tightens a little at Adia's words. People have often given her permission to be vulnerable, but she rarely takes it. It always feels wrong or as if she's weak by allowing herself to be that way. But this woman generally cares for her, has seen her at her lowest point and not recoiled at all. She presses her face into Adia's shoulder again, taking a moment to breathe through the tears that can't form in her dry eyes.

"I don't know what to do now," she murmurs, her words muffled by the fabric of Adia's shirt. "I don't know how to bury this. I don't know how to ignore it and I can't move on when he didn't... he was still... a-alive before he was taken away." She exhales a shaky breath, tightening her grip a little too much for a half second before she catches herself and relaxes. Steve is gone now, and given the state he was in before he left? He's not coming back. "This isn't how it was supposed to be. If he's gone than I wish... I wish he'd been allowed to... go..." It would be so much easier that way. Even in following Steve's traditions for a burial, she could have offered the prayers of her world at his grave.

Taking a deep breath, she sits up a little and puts a few inches of distance between herself and Adia. Even if they're not hugging, she feels a strong need to keep this unexpected comfort close. She slowly looks up to meet the other woman's gaze, revealing her red eyes and puffy cheeks. "How do people where you're from handle death?" she asks softly. "Do they have any traditions to honor the fallen?"

It's a superficial thought, but Adia is glad that her clothes are clean. She'd hate for Amelia to have had to press her face into the ever-present filth of New Caprica. She pats her back once before she pulls away, then offers the tissue again. Amelia can take that, or her hand. "You didn't get closure. That's hard. That's the hardest kind of grief to wrestle with."

She watches Amelia with soft, worried eyes. It feels a little like she's betraying Steve to talk about him like he's not going to make it, but this is her friend's perception of events. If it helps to talk about the rituals surrounding death, she'll do it. "It's traditional to bury our dead. We, um, we put a coin in their mouth, so they can pay Charon's fare... he's the ferryman who carries souls across the river that surrounds the Underworld. A priest will say the blessing of the dead and read a passage from the Sacred Scrolls. And then after the funeral, there's usually a reception, an opportunity to offer condolences to the person's loved ones..."

Her voice catches a little at the end. "S-sorry. We've lost a lot of people in the war. We've had memorial services for the fallen. There are too many to-- to honor individually."

The tissue is taken this time, and as she dabs at her eyes and nose with it, Amelia takes Adia's hand again. Something makes her feel as if she can't full part from the other woman yet, so she does what she has to to stay close.

As Adia explains her world's traditions, Amelia gives her hand a gentle squeeze. It seems traditions aren't all that different from one world to another, at least in some aspects. Offered prayers, a gathering to support those who lost someone... It's all very familiar, even if there are still many differences to what she knows from her home on Kairn.

When Adia begins to falter, Amelia squeezes her friend's hand gently. This is what Adia did for her earlier, so this should be helpful, right? "There's no need to apologize. Losing people is hard, in war and in the natural course of life. To have to change your traditions to accommodate so many fallen at once... I can't even imagine how hard that must be." She doesn't smile - how could she at a time like this? - but she sets aside the tissue in her free hand and carefully cradles Adia's hand between both of her own.

She's never lived through a war. There had been whispers of far-away fighting on her world when she left it behind, but it never reached her city. Her grandparents and parents told her stories of men and women who never came home and could never be properly sent into the afterlife after they went missing on the fields of battle. That Adia has to live with that pain every day is something the rogue could never hope to understand after living a life insulated from such overwhelming violence.

For a moment, she lets that comfort linger in the air and gives Adia's hand another small squeeze. "Do they go somewhere nice, when they go to the Underworld?" she asks. So many people believe in a paradise after death, perhaps Adia's people do as well?

Adia gives a small, grateful smile at Amelia's hand squeeze, so she must be doing something right. She takes a moment to ground herself. This is about Amelia's grief, not hers. Still, she appreciates the sympathy. "it's... disconcerting, more than everything. Ever single person in the Fleet has suffered loss, but at the same time that makes it almost too overwhelming to talk about." She looks down at their joined hands. "I'm glad I found the Nexus when I did. It's easier to talk about things here than on my ship."

The theological question gives her pause. The afterlife is the one aspect of religion that makes her wish that she believed. "Yes, the Elysium Fields. You're reunited with your ancestors.... what about your people? What are their traditions?"

Smiles are wonderful, even if Amelia can't find the strength to return them yet. Knowing she brought one to Adia's face goes a long way toward making that happen, though, so she squeezes Adia's hand with both of hers when the woman looks down again. If this is helping, then the rogue isn't about to try something new that could ruin things completely.

"The Nexus has a habit of making certain things easier," she agrees, though Amelia's not sure how much she can agree when she hides away so often. There's a further comment about that on the tip of her tongue when Adia asks about her world's beliefs. The barest hint of a wistful smile pulls at her lips as she speaks. "On my world, when you pass on you go to a place called the Eternal Dream. If you were a good person while you were alive, if you left a legacy that helped others, you'll relive your happiest memories and dream of sweet things for all eternity." For a moment she considers explaining what happens when someone is like her - drenched in sins and a generally awful person - but that feels like too much right now. She's had enough nightmares the last few weeks as it is, no need to explain how they'll only get worse when she dies.

"Laying the dead to rest is much the same, though we don't bury them. Their bodies are burned so that their ashes may be returned to the earth and their mind free to dream for all eternity." Good or bad, everyone must move on eventually. "A service is held for the fallen, with a few prayers and words of praise said for the one who is gone, but what is said and how soon after they are gone it happens depends on personal beliefs. Every person and family does things a little differently, as is their right, but the basics are always the same."

As the conversation shifts to the beliefs of Amelia's people, Adia regains her relaxed, calm composure, but she doesn't pull out of her friend's grip. She knows that physical connection is still important to Amelia, and she'll keep offering it as a lifeline for as long as she needs it.

"An eternal dream," she repeats softly. She can see why people would want to believe in such a thing, what a blessing it would be to only dream of sweetness and light. She doesn't think to question what happens to bad people, the cruel and the wicked. There's a reason why she didn't bring up Tartarus. "Is the Eternal Dream related to regular dreaming? Or is that a separate thing?"

There's a small nod when Amelia explains the customs of her people. "It's nice to know that our rituals have some things in common. We believe that the spirit leaves the body as soon as it dies, so whether it's buried or cremated is less important. But... it's like you said. It's harder to handle grief if... if there's nothing there."

Her head tilts a little as she thinks about Adia's question. She's never heard of someone dreaming with the fallen before, and considering the lack of magic on her world, it doesn't seem possible. "I think they're separate, but... I honestly don't know. There's no magic where I come from that could allow the crossover of dreams." Not that there's much magic at all there, but that's not important right now. From everything she knows, there's no way it could happen. And with her world out of reach... there's no way to ever know for certain.

She nods her agreement with the last statement slowly, drawing one hand back to rest in her lap while the other holds tightly to Adia's. "It's... a lot harder. There's no way to truly honor them, to make sure they get the send off they deserve if there's no... n-no body... There can be no burial or proper service... or... or..." Her breath catches in her chest as she resits the urge to cry again. This is all too real, too painful to properly handle. Why did Steve have to be taken away like that? Why couldn't they just let him go so he could dream wonderful things? Just... why?

When she finally regains her composure, she finds herself all but crushing Adia's hand. Her cheeks flush with embarrassment as she loosens her grip and gives Adia the chance to pull away, but she doesn't move anymore than that. Maybe an apology will be enough for possibly hurting her friend? "I'm sorry," she says quickly, her cheeks darkening a bit more. "I didn't... I wasn't paying attention and I... I'm really, truly sorry. Please, forgive me." Apologizing isn't something Amelia does often, but she doesn't want Adia to be upset enough to leave while she still feels like she could fall apart at any moment.

"Okay. I was wondering if there was a connection." She sounds apologetic about it, hoping she hasn't asked anything inappropriate. It doesn't seem like it, though. "We have people in the Fleet who claim to be seers, who say that they can communicate with spirits who have already passed on... through dreams sometimes."

She even tried that once, in the Nexus, but it didn't work. Caspar had already resurrected -- not that she knew about resurrection at the time.

The fresh wave of grief is expected, the tightening grip of Amelia's hand, not so much. It reminds her of when her friend Josh panicked while holding her hand, but as then, the AV field protects her now, so she doesn't pull away or even flinch. "It's okay," she says reassuringly. "You're, um... you're awfully strong. But I didn't get hurt." She pauses, unsure of what to say. "I wish I could give your closure. Would it help to talk about him? To remember him? Or would that make it worse?"

"Dreams are powerful things, but I don't know of any magic on my world that affects them. I've-- met people here who study them, work with them, and help others through them, but on Kairn? Magic is used by very few and completely in secret."

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. See, Amelia? You can make it through mentioning certain people you've driven away without crying. ~~Nevermind the fact that she can't cry anymore right now. That has nothing to do with it. Really.~~

The red color in her cheeks creeps up to her ears and she looks down at the floor quickly. She doesn't answer right away, only in part because she doesn't know how to respond to a compliment. Compliments from strangers are easy enough to deflect, but it's quite different to hear them from a friend, especially in a situation like this. Which is why she passes over it on favor of Adia's questions. "I've never been in a situation like this before. I don't know what would help." She takes a moment to pause and draw a long, steadying breath. "Did you... know him well? Or--" A beat as she tries to find the right words. "Is there something you wanted to know about him...?"

That... sound an awful lot like someone she knows. And though she'd normally be inclined to ask if it's the same person, something about Amelia's tone makes her think better of it. It's not relevant, anyway. "I used to love dreaming," she admits instead. "I'd try hard to remember them... I even had a journal for them. Not so much anymore."

She doesn't know why Amelia is blushing. It can't be from something so simple as a compliment, can it? But at least she's talking again... talking without crying. That's good. "Not as well as I'd like. We talked a few times and he had me over for coffee once. I'm taking care of his pokémon..." She reaches for the book with the embossed pokéball on the cover and shows it to her. "How did you two meet? Was he answering one of your questions, or was it the other way around?"

"I've rarely had good dreams." And one of the few good ones she remembers came from the person she broke herself over, making it more bittersweet than anything. "I envy those who have them. They don't realize what a blessing they have." She'd give most anything to have a good dream from time to time, or at least to not be so dependent on the tea that prevents dreaming to have a decent night's rest. Such is the way of life, though. If the multiverse wants her to get used to nightmares before she moves on to the Eternal Dream, there seems little she can do about it.

She reaches a hand out and passes it over the book Adia offers, her fingers ghosting through the air above the embossed symbol on the front. "Pokémon...? What are those?" Are those the "friends" Steve spoke of that she... never made time to go see? A frown tugs across her lips as her gaze slips from the book back to the floor, her hand falling to her lap. There's no point in dwelling on what's passed. If she failed in her duties as a friend, there's nothing to be gained by thinking about it now.

Sitting up a little straighter, Amelia shifts her grip on Adia's hand as she answers the other woman's questions. "I met him when he first arrived here. He thought this place was some kind of test that he had to pass to be admitted to the army for his homeland. They were... fighting a war and he wanted to get back to see his best friend off before he shipped out." Her frown deepens as she thinks about the first meeting. "I tried to help find him a way home to no avail. Instead, I found him a temporary place to stay and offered to help him with whatever he might need."

It was an imperfect meeting, and yet it was one of the few good things that happened to her. Steve Rogers had been a bright spot in her life, despite the painful memories of Masarra - and certain people - that he stirred in her. "He... called me 'Miss Amelia'," she murmurs, a sad smile settling on her face. "So much about him reminded me of... home. I've rarely been happy here, but he seemed to always manage to bring it out in me."

Why hadn't she seen him more often? Why had she replied "I'm fine" to his texts and calls asking how she was? Why does she have to be so terrible at everything that isn't hurting people?

She doesn't even realize she's been silent for a full minute as her mind spirals with dark, depressing thoughts. A soft sigh escapes her as her shoulders slump forward again. "Is there anything else you wanted to know...?" Surely there's a good way to keep the conversation going without being depressing, but Amelia's so deep into her thoughts that she doesn't know how to get there.

Adia gives her friend's hand a gentle squeeze at the mention of bad dreams. "I'm sorry. I haven't had a good dream in a while, either." Or rather, even good dreams are bad ones when you wake up in tears because you remember all over again that you home is gone, your family is gone, and the man you love is still the enemy.

"They're animals, but not like any I've ever heard of, not even in my mythology books." She's not sure why that would cause Amelia to look down with a frown on her face. Maybe anything having to do with Steve is enough to fuel her grief.

Amelia's reply triggers a vague memory -- Steve had mentioned a war to Adia, hadn't he? She tries to remember if he had talked about his best friend at all... friendship was important to Steve, obviously, and she mirrors Amelia's sad smile when the other woman talks about how much Steve reminded her of home. "He missed his Earth... I think he made the best of living in the Nexus, though. Something the three of us have in common, I guess..." Although Adia had been hoping that Steve would find a way back to his Earth, just as she would find the Earth in her universe. Now he was stuck somewhere else until he recovered...

Lost in her own thoughts, she doesn't notice the passing silence until Amelia speaks again. She looks so defeated... maybe this topic of conversation isn't helping. "Do you want to learn more about his pokémon?" She sets the book on the table between them. "I can look them up for you."

It doesn't seem fair that someone like Adia doesn't have sweet dreams. She's so kind and already deals with so much - why would the multiverse do such a thing to her? "I hope someday you can have good dreams again," she offers softly, hoping it doesn't hurt to say something like that to her friend.

Something about how Adia phrases her reply causes Amelia's chest to tighten again. Made the best of living in the Nexus. Was that what the rogue was doing now? Maybe Steve had been able to manage it, but Amelia's certain she still isn't doing that. She survives, but Steve... Steve lived. He was so full of life despite everything trying to take it from him. And now some asshole had waltzed in and walked all over this place, taking her friend with him. She's glad she got the chance to scream at his lifeless body, but if she'd had half a chance, if she could've just been there sooner, she could've done so much more.

...or so her grief addled mind would have her believe.

The question is one that doesn't require her to dig for an answer or even think about herself. It still touches on Steve, but that's rather inevitable at this point, isn't it? She nods slowly, finally releasing Adia's hand so she can better flip through the pages of the book. "I'd like that. I think he would... want that." Even that simple thought feels like a punch in the gut, but at least they're not talking about the man himself if they talk about his pets instead.

It must be the right thing to say, because she smiles softly in response. "Thanks. I just need more time. It'll get better."

She watches Amelia struggle with herself and wonders worriedly if even talking about Steve's pokémon is too tender a topic. But it seems to be safe enough; Amelia even lets go of her hand so that Adia does not need to pull away. She gives her a brief, reassuring smile before picking up the book and flipping to the index in the back. She runs a finger down the list of alphabetical species names, pausing to note the page number when she comes to the ones she's looking for.

"This one is Sarah," she says, flipping to a page closer to the beginning of the book and showing it to Amelia. There's a picture of a dog-like creature, its fur bright orange. "She's a growlithe. She's very friendly and full of energy. She really reminds me of a dog, but she can shoot fire out of her mouth, and I've never seen a dog with stripes like hers."

She turns to another page. This one has a little round bird on it, its crest a red and white feather surrounded by floof. "This is Bucky, short for Buchanan. He's a rufflet. He's..." She sighs, but her smile is affectionate. "He's wary of strangers. He likes me, though. He's very protective. Maybe a little over-protective..."

The last page has on it the most peculiar creature of all -- vaguely reptilian in nature, but with a stocky build. Its head shines like metal. "This is Ethel. She's a shieldon. She's very sweet, and strong, too. She likes to rub her head against trees to shine it. I think she has some powers related to steel, but I'm not sure what, yet. I'm still reading about her type."

She gives Amelia as long as she likes to look at each page and read the information that goes with the pictures. "Is there anything else you want to know about them?" She smiles hopefully, a proud parent eager to show off her adorable children. "Or I can also look up some of the other pokémon I've come across. There are many different kinds."

The afternoon passes by lazily as Adia explains various types of pokémon to Amelia, allowing them both to come down from the intense conversation and emotions they shared earlier in the day. By the time Adia needs to head back to her ship, Amelia can smile honestly and without any obvious pain. Her grief is still written all over her body, from the dark circles under her eyes to the way she can't quite stand straight, but she doesn't feel the weight as much. Finally, it doesn't feel like she'll collapse back into a gaping hole of sorrow at a single mention of her fallen friend.

She doesn't reach out for her friend when they part on the footsteps of the library, but the rogue pauses a few paces in front of the other woman to turn back to her with a smile. "Thank you for everything," she calls softly, her voice reaching Adia's ears despite the noise of people bustling around them. "You're a true friend." Another smile, and she turns around again, shifts her messenger bag where it hangs about her shoulders, and then disappears into the crowd.

Today was a necessary first step. It was a sharing of her grief in a visceral way and with someone who is still present in Amelia's life. A reminder that she's not alone. It's not an end to the pain and it doesn't mean she won't spend more nights in tears as she continues to ache over what's happened to someone so important to her. But it put her on the path to healing that she couldn't manage on her own while locked away in her room. And for that, she'll always be grateful to her newest... friend.

Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

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Closing this one out (finally) =]