rogueinladysclothing | Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

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Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

Grief strikes people in many different ways. Some seek out solace in others, in being with those they love and care about who are still part of their lives. Others mourn in privacy, needing to work through their thoughts and feelings on losing someone they cared about alone before they can emerge from the shadows and be with other people. These are healthy reactions and allow someone to move on from their feelings of hurt.

Amelia has never been one to do anything properly. For days following the fall of one of her closest friends, she hides away in her room at the inn. She speaks to no one, eats very little, and manages to sleep even less. She cries silently, wanting no one to know that she's hurting or pay her any mind. It's a difficult time for the rogue, and she manages to push through it only by sheer force of her own will. She needs to live, if only so her friend's memory lives on with her.

When she finally manages to make it out of her room a week later, she hides herself away in the library. The small room she tucks away in is out of the way and hard to find without the aid of a librarian - which is exactly why she chose it. In front of her is a large stack of books on elemental magic, one of which she turns the pages of from time to time without actually reading. She scribbles in an open notebook next to her occasionally, giving the impression that she's actually doing the research she would normally be doing in this place and with these books. In truth, it's only a distraction, something to focus her mind on that isn't the knife's edge of depression she walks along.

She looks so... defeated at the table, dressed in black clothes embroidered with metallic black threads, her hair braided down her back rather than pinned up with her precious hair pin. In her own way, she's still mourning what happened to Steve, she's just managed to get out of her room to do it in public. Her family's tradition demands she move on after a week of mourning in private, but that doesn't mean she won't still do it away from the privacy of her room.

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Her eyes widen as the reality of what Adia's saying sinks in. It had seemed natural to stay with with the woman after offering her advice, and to make sure she got back to her world safely. Had she really done the right thing for someone without noticing? Was that what people usually wanted when they needed comfort? And...

...were they truly friends so soon?

"I..." She's too stunned to finish her first thought. Slowly, she draws her hands away from her face and sits up. It takes a few moments of breathing to calm herself enough to meet Adia's gaze, and even then it's more confused than anything else. How is it she found herself here with such a kind person and why do they care so soon after meeting her? It doesn't make sense, not where a person like Amelia is concerned.

"I don't... know how to be someone's friend," she admits softly, resting her hands on her knees palm up. "And I don't know what to do right now. I'm not used to being around... well, anyone when I'm like this." Usually she drives them away or is hiding in such a deep hole as to avoid everyone entirely. Being out in public like this, and having then been found, is a new thing for her.

The surprise is unexpected, and Adia dwells on it while waiting patiently for Amelia to gather her thoughts. Is it really that unusual for anyone to show this woman kindness? No wonder she's taking losing Steve so hard. He would never have left her otherwise.

When Amelia finally meets her gaze, she smiles softly and offers a hand. it's up to Amelia if she wants to take it, and she won't be offended if she doesn't. "You just need more experience. It doesn't come easily for anyone at first. And I don't think anyone knows what to do when they're grieving, either. I've been around loss for so long, and the only two things that I've learned is that it takes time to heal, and it's different for everybody."

For a long moment, she stares at Adia's offered hand. It's extended both in friendship and comfort and she doesn't know how to handle either of those things. She's let so few people in when something truly hurt her, and she's always managed to drive those same people away simply by being herself. Adia doesn't deserve that, but she's... not giving comfort when Amelia's asking for it; She's offering it before the rogue could even bring herself to ask.

Slowly, cautiously, Amelia reaches out and rests her hand in Adia's. Her fingers are trembling ever so slightly, but she can't stop that. Not when she's this scared and unsure.

"I'm better at driving people away than anything else," she says softly, her eyes lingering on their outstretched hands. Adia's hand feels so warm, but... maybe that's normal? She honestly doesn't know. "I also never mourn like this. At some point I usually just... bury it, and move on." It's healthier than the alternative of letting it consume her, even if she knows it would be better to work through it. But that's so much more difficult when she thinks she has to do it completely alone.

Not only offering comfort, but comfort on Amelia's terms. She's gotten too used to her friends being casual with physical signs of affection, she'll be more careful of Amelia's space from now on.

But, at least for now, hand-holding is acceptable. Keeping her gently encouraging smile, she holds her friend's hand, her grip loose enough that Amelia can pull away easily at any time. "I've never been able to do that... not for long, anyway. What, um... what do you think is different about things this time?"

It's still scary, but knowing she can pull back whenever she wants or if she gets too scared goes a long way toward making her comfortable. Comfortable enough that her hand stops shaking after a few moments. Small steps, but each one is important.

Her lips tug into a frown as she stares at their hands. "Everything is different. He--" She pauses to catch her breath, finding her chest painfully tight as she tries to form her thoughts into words. "He's one of the first people who gave a damn about me here. One of the first people I admitted to being my friend anywhere I've ever been. And he..." She sighs softly, unconsciously curling her fingers around Adia's. "He was like family to me. And family, it... it means everything to me. To lose him hurts more than I can possibly explain."

The loss of her own family nearly destroyed her, but she pushed through it, buried the pain beneath her will to survive and the knowledge that her world is still out there, somewhere, protected from this place. But Steve... he's not coming back and she has no idea how to handle that. Her eyes well up with tears again at the thought and her grip on the other woman's fingers tightens.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs, still trying to breathe through the pain. "This is really hard for me."

Adia keeps her hand steady, content to let Amelia hold it as loosely or as tightly as she sees fit. "He's a good friend," she agrees quietly. "I can see why he means so much to you." She wasn't nearly as close to Steve, but she can easily empathize with her loss. "Friends like that are hard to come by, even for me. I'm sure he felt the same about you."

Is that why Adia can sit here, dry-eyed, while Amelia pours out her grief? Well, yes, the fact that she was only starting to become good friends makes her own loss less traumatic. But more importantly, she hasn't given up hope that he'll return some day, alive and well. It burns within her, small and steady, and keeps her tears at bay.

But Amelia doesn't want that hope, so Adia doesn't suggest it, even though she wishes that her hope was a tangible thing, something she could share.

"It's okay," She reassures Amelia. "I know it's hard to talk about it. I've lost family, too, and even thinking about them hurt too much, at first. But whatever you want to say, I'll listen."

She shakes her head again. What else is there to say about this? All she knows is that it hurts because he's not coming back. Steve was all but dead when she last saw him and now he's gone. What hope is there that he'll come back after all of that?

"I don't know what to do now that he's gone," she manages after a moment, ignoring the tears that have started rolling down her flushed cheeks again. "He was my closest friend and I... I still barely saw or spoke to him. I was such a terrible friend. I didn't deserve his friendship, let alone the precious gifts he gave me."

Her phone, the oils she uses for her leathers, the family of her portrait... She doesn't deserve them any more than she deserved to be his friend. A sinner like her - what is she worthy of anyway? Hiding here in the Nexus and claiming she's doing right by her all but forgotten world. Strong as she may seem, she knows she's a selfish coward and Steve's bravery during the horrid battle with Khan only goes to prove that he deserved so much more from her.

Her head falls forward and her whole body slumps inward under the weight of her despair. "This is all so wrong. He never should have been hurt like this for doing the right thing for others. It's not fair."

It's only a fraction of the hurt that Amelia must feel, but it's still painful to watch her friend going through such agony. She wants to give her a hug, but decides instead to pull out a clean tissue from her jacket pocket with her free hand, the other still holding onto Amelia's. "Here," she offers softly. "And you aren't a terrible friend. It's easy to let time pass in between visits." Sometimes you can let three whole months pass and wind up in a completely different Nexus. She would never judge someone for not staying in frequent touch.

Adia can't know the depth of Amelia's self-loathing, she can only see the despair that is weighing her down. But the unjustness of Steve's injuries, that they can agree on. "No, it's not fair at all... nothing about this invasion was fair." She falls silent for a moment, weighing over the worth of what she's about to say. "I don't think there's any way you could have convinced him to stay out of it, though. He very much wanted to help."

Rather than take the offered tissue, Amelia take Adia's offered hand into her own and clings tightly to it. Touching is a strange, often terrifying thing, but dreams does it make her feel better right now.

"I should've been there for him." She doesn't look up at all as she speaks, still unable to push back against the heaviness she feels. "B-before this and... and during this. I should have been there. Maybe then I could have... I-I could... have..." Her grip on Adia's hands tightens and the rest of her body sinks below the level of their hands. She's shaking like a leaf, but she's too lost in her feelings of grief to sense it. "I would have taken the fall for him, if I could have."

The additional hand-holding surprises Adia, but only for a moment. She adjusts her grip so Amelia can hold onto her comfortably, but it feels so inadequate, especially as the other woman seems determined to sink to the ground in her despair.

"I know you would have." She has no doubt of that. "But it's not your fault that you didn't. I know it's easy to blame yourself because... because then you'll have a reason for why it happened. But I don't think Steve would want you to blame yourself, or gotten hurt in his place."

She gives both of Amelia's hands a gentle squeeze. "Would you like a hug instead?"

She's not sure how to answer, or even how to handle someone trying to lift her back up from the darkness. No one does this sort of thing for her. No one ever gets close enough to know these feelings exist in her in the first place. And the last time she tried letting someone in, she ended up ruining it by being selfish.

Is it okay for her to want this? Is it okay to be so close to someone again?

Exhaling a deep, shaking breath, she tightens her grip on Adia's hands again.

"I... think I would."

Adia smiles, relieved that she hadn't overstepped Amelia's boundaries. "Okay." She carefully lets go of the other woman's hands before scooting closer and wrapping her arms around her in a comforting hug for as long as Amelia needs it.

It's such an odd thing, really. To know you're safe and yet not be able to give into it.

For a few seconds, Amelia doesn't react to the hug. She sits there, completely nonplussed and unsure of herself. She's hugged so few people who weren't family that she's not sure what to do. Where does she rest her hands that isn't awkward for both people? How long does she hold on? What if Adia doesn't like how she hugs? ...should she pull back if that's true? What if... what if...

It takes another few shaky breaths before she manages to wrap her arms around Adia in return. Her chin automatically finds its way to the other woman's shoulder and it feels... good. So good that, despite all of her thoughts and efforts to the contrary, Amelia presses her face into the fabric resting on Adia's shoulder and allows herself to break down, to let it all go. To not let the crushing weight and sadness overwhelm her, just for a moment.

She has no idea how long she stays there, weeping and shaking as she lets her grief out in the only way she can, but when she does her eyes burn, her throat is raw, and there's a pervasive weakness in her entire body as if she'd just put herself through all of her physical paces twice over.

"Thank you," she whispers, not pulling back from the other woman yet. "Thank you for being... here with me."

Those first few seconds, she keeps her arms steady, her breathing slow and calm as she lets Amelia decide if a hug is what she really wants. There is a whisper of doubt in the back of her mind that maybe she shouldn't have offered, not everyone benefits from physical contact, Amelia has enough on her plate without dealing with her clichéd attempts at helping --

And then Amelia's arms wrap around her, her head resting on her shoulder... and the tears. The doubts leave her mind -- this is what Amelia needs. It probably won't be enough to take away her grief, but it's a good start. She tightens her grip ever so slightly, to remind Amelia that she's still here, for as long as the woman needs.

When the tears slow and the whispered gratitude follows, Adia loosely holds her and replies softly, "You're welcome. Take as much time as you need."

Her hold tightens a little at Adia's words. People have often given her permission to be vulnerable, but she rarely takes it. It always feels wrong or as if she's weak by allowing herself to be that way. But this woman generally cares for her, has seen her at her lowest point and not recoiled at all. She presses her face into Adia's shoulder again, taking a moment to breathe through the tears that can't form in her dry eyes.

"I don't know what to do now," she murmurs, her words muffled by the fabric of Adia's shirt. "I don't know how to bury this. I don't know how to ignore it and I can't move on when he didn't... he was still... a-alive before he was taken away." She exhales a shaky breath, tightening her grip a little too much for a half second before she catches herself and relaxes. Steve is gone now, and given the state he was in before he left? He's not coming back. "This isn't how it was supposed to be. If he's gone than I wish... I wish he'd been allowed to... go..." It would be so much easier that way. Even in following Steve's traditions for a burial, she could have offered the prayers of her world at his grave.

Taking a deep breath, she sits up a little and puts a few inches of distance between herself and Adia. Even if they're not hugging, she feels a strong need to keep this unexpected comfort close. She slowly looks up to meet the other woman's gaze, revealing her red eyes and puffy cheeks. "How do people where you're from handle death?" she asks softly. "Do they have any traditions to honor the fallen?"

It's a superficial thought, but Adia is glad that her clothes are clean. She'd hate for Amelia to have had to press her face into the ever-present filth of New Caprica. She pats her back once before she pulls away, then offers the tissue again. Amelia can take that, or her hand. "You didn't get closure. That's hard. That's the hardest kind of grief to wrestle with."

She watches Amelia with soft, worried eyes. It feels a little like she's betraying Steve to talk about him like he's not going to make it, but this is her friend's perception of events. If it helps to talk about the rituals surrounding death, she'll do it. "It's traditional to bury our dead. We, um, we put a coin in their mouth, so they can pay Charon's fare... he's the ferryman who carries souls across the river that surrounds the Underworld. A priest will say the blessing of the dead and read a passage from the Sacred Scrolls. And then after the funeral, there's usually a reception, an opportunity to offer condolences to the person's loved ones..."

Her voice catches a little at the end. "S-sorry. We've lost a lot of people in the war. We've had memorial services for the fallen. There are too many to-- to honor individually."

The tissue is taken this time, and as she dabs at her eyes and nose with it, Amelia takes Adia's hand again. Something makes her feel as if she can't full part from the other woman yet, so she does what she has to to stay close.

As Adia explains her world's traditions, Amelia gives her hand a gentle squeeze. It seems traditions aren't all that different from one world to another, at least in some aspects. Offered prayers, a gathering to support those who lost someone... It's all very familiar, even if there are still many differences to what she knows from her home on Kairn.

When Adia begins to falter, Amelia squeezes her friend's hand gently. This is what Adia did for her earlier, so this should be helpful, right? "There's no need to apologize. Losing people is hard, in war and in the natural course of life. To have to change your traditions to accommodate so many fallen at once... I can't even imagine how hard that must be." She doesn't smile - how could she at a time like this? - but she sets aside the tissue in her free hand and carefully cradles Adia's hand between both of her own.

She's never lived through a war. There had been whispers of far-away fighting on her world when she left it behind, but it never reached her city. Her grandparents and parents told her stories of men and women who never came home and could never be properly sent into the afterlife after they went missing on the fields of battle. That Adia has to live with that pain every day is something the rogue could never hope to understand after living a life insulated from such overwhelming violence.

For a moment, she lets that comfort linger in the air and gives Adia's hand another small squeeze. "Do they go somewhere nice, when they go to the Underworld?" she asks. So many people believe in a paradise after death, perhaps Adia's people do as well?

Adia gives a small, grateful smile at Amelia's hand squeeze, so she must be doing something right. She takes a moment to ground herself. This is about Amelia's grief, not hers. Still, she appreciates the sympathy. "it's... disconcerting, more than everything. Ever single person in the Fleet has suffered loss, but at the same time that makes it almost too overwhelming to talk about." She looks down at their joined hands. "I'm glad I found the Nexus when I did. It's easier to talk about things here than on my ship."

The theological question gives her pause. The afterlife is the one aspect of religion that makes her wish that she believed. "Yes, the Elysium Fields. You're reunited with your ancestors.... what about your people? What are their traditions?"

Smiles are wonderful, even if Amelia can't find the strength to return them yet. Knowing she brought one to Adia's face goes a long way toward making that happen, though, so she squeezes Adia's hand with both of hers when the woman looks down again. If this is helping, then the rogue isn't about to try something new that could ruin things completely.

"The Nexus has a habit of making certain things easier," she agrees, though Amelia's not sure how much she can agree when she hides away so often. There's a further comment about that on the tip of her tongue when Adia asks about her world's beliefs. The barest hint of a wistful smile pulls at her lips as she speaks. "On my world, when you pass on you go to a place called the Eternal Dream. If you were a good person while you were alive, if you left a legacy that helped others, you'll relive your happiest memories and dream of sweet things for all eternity." For a moment she considers explaining what happens when someone is like her - drenched in sins and a generally awful person - but that feels like too much right now. She's had enough nightmares the last few weeks as it is, no need to explain how they'll only get worse when she dies.

"Laying the dead to rest is much the same, though we don't bury them. Their bodies are burned so that their ashes may be returned to the earth and their mind free to dream for all eternity." Good or bad, everyone must move on eventually. "A service is held for the fallen, with a few prayers and words of praise said for the one who is gone, but what is said and how soon after they are gone it happens depends on personal beliefs. Every person and family does things a little differently, as is their right, but the basics are always the same."

As the conversation shifts to the beliefs of Amelia's people, Adia regains her relaxed, calm composure, but she doesn't pull out of her friend's grip. She knows that physical connection is still important to Amelia, and she'll keep offering it as a lifeline for as long as she needs it.

"An eternal dream," she repeats softly. She can see why people would want to believe in such a thing, what a blessing it would be to only dream of sweetness and light. She doesn't think to question what happens to bad people, the cruel and the wicked. There's a reason why she didn't bring up Tartarus. "Is the Eternal Dream related to regular dreaming? Or is that a separate thing?"

There's a small nod when Amelia explains the customs of her people. "It's nice to know that our rituals have some things in common. We believe that the spirit leaves the body as soon as it dies, so whether it's buried or cremated is less important. But... it's like you said. It's harder to handle grief if... if there's nothing there."

Her head tilts a little as she thinks about Adia's question. She's never heard of someone dreaming with the fallen before, and considering the lack of magic on her world, it doesn't seem possible. "I think they're separate, but... I honestly don't know. There's no magic where I come from that could allow the crossover of dreams." Not that there's much magic at all there, but that's not important right now. From everything she knows, there's no way it could happen. And with her world out of reach... there's no way to ever know for certain.

She nods her agreement with the last statement slowly, drawing one hand back to rest in her lap while the other holds tightly to Adia's. "It's... a lot harder. There's no way to truly honor them, to make sure they get the send off they deserve if there's no... n-no body... There can be no burial or proper service... or... or..." Her breath catches in her chest as she resits the urge to cry again. This is all too real, too painful to properly handle. Why did Steve have to be taken away like that? Why couldn't they just let him go so he could dream wonderful things? Just... why?

When she finally regains her composure, she finds herself all but crushing Adia's hand. Her cheeks flush with embarrassment as she loosens her grip and gives Adia the chance to pull away, but she doesn't move anymore than that. Maybe an apology will be enough for possibly hurting her friend? "I'm sorry," she says quickly, her cheeks darkening a bit more. "I didn't... I wasn't paying attention and I... I'm really, truly sorry. Please, forgive me." Apologizing isn't something Amelia does often, but she doesn't want Adia to be upset enough to leave while she still feels like she could fall apart at any moment.

"Okay. I was wondering if there was a connection." She sounds apologetic about it, hoping she hasn't asked anything inappropriate. It doesn't seem like it, though. "We have people in the Fleet who claim to be seers, who say that they can communicate with spirits who have already passed on... through dreams sometimes."

She even tried that once, in the Nexus, but it didn't work. Caspar had already resurrected -- not that she knew about resurrection at the time.

The fresh wave of grief is expected, the tightening grip of Amelia's hand, not so much. It reminds her of when her friend Josh panicked while holding her hand, but as then, the AV field protects her now, so she doesn't pull away or even flinch. "It's okay," she says reassuringly. "You're, um... you're awfully strong. But I didn't get hurt." She pauses, unsure of what to say. "I wish I could give your closure. Would it help to talk about him? To remember him? Or would that make it worse?"

"Dreams are powerful things, but I don't know of any magic on my world that affects them. I've-- met people here who study them, work with them, and help others through them, but on Kairn? Magic is used by very few and completely in secret."

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. See, Amelia? You can make it through mentioning certain people you've driven away without crying. ~~Nevermind the fact that she can't cry anymore right now. That has nothing to do with it. Really.~~

The red color in her cheeks creeps up to her ears and she looks down at the floor quickly. She doesn't answer right away, only in part because she doesn't know how to respond to a compliment. Compliments from strangers are easy enough to deflect, but it's quite different to hear them from a friend, especially in a situation like this. Which is why she passes over it on favor of Adia's questions. "I've never been in a situation like this before. I don't know what would help." She takes a moment to pause and draw a long, steadying breath. "Did you... know him well? Or--" A beat as she tries to find the right words. "Is there something you wanted to know about him...?"

That... sound an awful lot like someone she knows. And though she'd normally be inclined to ask if it's the same person, something about Amelia's tone makes her think better of it. It's not relevant, anyway. "I used to love dreaming," she admits instead. "I'd try hard to remember them... I even had a journal for them. Not so much anymore."

She doesn't know why Amelia is blushing. It can't be from something so simple as a compliment, can it? But at least she's talking again... talking without crying. That's good. "Not as well as I'd like. We talked a few times and he had me over for coffee once. I'm taking care of his pokémon..." She reaches for the book with the embossed pokéball on the cover and shows it to her. "How did you two meet? Was he answering one of your questions, or was it the other way around?"

"I've rarely had good dreams." And one of the few good ones she remembers came from the person she broke herself over, making it more bittersweet than anything. "I envy those who have them. They don't realize what a blessing they have." She'd give most anything to have a good dream from time to time, or at least to not be so dependent on the tea that prevents dreaming to have a decent night's rest. Such is the way of life, though. If the multiverse wants her to get used to nightmares before she moves on to the Eternal Dream, there seems little she can do about it.

She reaches a hand out and passes it over the book Adia offers, her fingers ghosting through the air above the embossed symbol on the front. "Pokémon...? What are those?" Are those the "friends" Steve spoke of that she... never made time to go see? A frown tugs across her lips as her gaze slips from the book back to the floor, her hand falling to her lap. There's no point in dwelling on what's passed. If she failed in her duties as a friend, there's nothing to be gained by thinking about it now.

Sitting up a little straighter, Amelia shifts her grip on Adia's hand as she answers the other woman's questions. "I met him when he first arrived here. He thought this place was some kind of test that he had to pass to be admitted to the army for his homeland. They were... fighting a war and he wanted to get back to see his best friend off before he shipped out." Her frown deepens as she thinks about the first meeting. "I tried to help find him a way home to no avail. Instead, I found him a temporary place to stay and offered to help him with whatever he might need."

It was an imperfect meeting, and yet it was one of the few good things that happened to her. Steve Rogers had been a bright spot in her life, despite the painful memories of Masarra - and certain people - that he stirred in her. "He... called me 'Miss Amelia'," she murmurs, a sad smile settling on her face. "So much about him reminded me of... home. I've rarely been happy here, but he seemed to always manage to bring it out in me."

Why hadn't she seen him more often? Why had she replied "I'm fine" to his texts and calls asking how she was? Why does she have to be so terrible at everything that isn't hurting people?

She doesn't even realize she's been silent for a full minute as her mind spirals with dark, depressing thoughts. A soft sigh escapes her as her shoulders slump forward again. "Is there anything else you wanted to know...?" Surely there's a good way to keep the conversation going without being depressing, but Amelia's so deep into her thoughts that she doesn't know how to get there.

Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

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Closing this one out (finally) =]