rogueinladysclothing | Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

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Unforseen Solace [Tagging Adia]

Grief strikes people in many different ways. Some seek out solace in others, in being with those they love and care about who are still part of their lives. Others mourn in privacy, needing to work through their thoughts and feelings on losing someone they cared about alone before they can emerge from the shadows and be with other people. These are healthy reactions and allow someone to move on from their feelings of hurt.

Amelia has never been one to do anything properly. For days following the fall of one of her closest friends, she hides away in her room at the inn. She speaks to no one, eats very little, and manages to sleep even less. She cries silently, wanting no one to know that she's hurting or pay her any mind. It's a difficult time for the rogue, and she manages to push through it only by sheer force of her own will. She needs to live, if only so her friend's memory lives on with her.

When she finally manages to make it out of her room a week later, she hides herself away in the library. The small room she tucks away in is out of the way and hard to find without the aid of a librarian - which is exactly why she chose it. In front of her is a large stack of books on elemental magic, one of which she turns the pages of from time to time without actually reading. She scribbles in an open notebook next to her occasionally, giving the impression that she's actually doing the research she would normally be doing in this place and with these books. In truth, it's only a distraction, something to focus her mind on that isn't the knife's edge of depression she walks along.

She looks so... defeated at the table, dressed in black clothes embroidered with metallic black threads, her hair braided down her back rather than pinned up with her precious hair pin. In her own way, she's still mourning what happened to Steve, she's just managed to get out of her room to do it in public. Her family's tradition demands she move on after a week of mourning in private, but that doesn't mean she won't still do it away from the privacy of her room.

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Adia smiles tentatively. Thanks." Amelia's body language doesn't entirely agree with those words, but she'll take it for the broader sentiment. The woman obviously cares about her, enough to ask about her situation despite her own grief.

It doesn't entirely surprise her that Amelia can do magic, as it seems to fit in well with the world she is from. She listens to her troubles with sympathetic eyes. Microbiology and magic don't have much in common, but Adia knows what it's like to have one's research not go anywhere. She opens her mouth to commiserate --

And shuts it just as quickly when Amelia looks away. There was a moment it seemed like she might cry. Adia sits there silently, fidgeting with the cover of her book, wishing she had the right words to get at the heart of Amelia's troubles and ease her burden. "That sounds frustrating," she says instead, going with her original response. "Is there another way for you to learn magic, other than from books?"

The original response is probably the better option. Amelia takes in a deep breath, exhaling slowly to try and mask the shaking. It doesn't entirely work. "I had someone who was going to teach me, or at least help me find someone appropriate to teach me, but we..." She lets out another, shakier breath. "I'll have to find one on my own at some point. I've been reluctant because I don't know who to trust."

She's silent for a few moments as she breathes through the sudden rush of emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. They're still there, waiting for their chance to break through, but there's no chance of tears running down her face as she slowly turns back to her books. "Books are much easier to deal with," she says softly, running her fingers through the air a few inches above the pages of the open book. "Not as much of a chance of hurting myself with a book, or hurting someone else if I mess up." Learning from books has always been an easy thing for her, but learning about horticulture or history is a lot different from learning something practical.

Silence hangs in the air again, this time a little more comfortable than the last. "How did you learn your trade?" Amelia asks suddenly, drawing her hand to her chest and looking over at Adia. "Did you study books or was the instruction hands on?" It's not as random a thought as it might seem. If she understands how Adia learned, there's a chance she can take the same idea and apply it to her situation.

"Oh... I wish I knew someone to recommend, but I'm clueless about magic." She thinks of her friend Felix, the only mage she knows remotely related to fire magic, but immediately dismisses the suggestion. Amelia is looking for someone she can trust, after all.

Watching Amelia struggle to regain control of her emotions reminds Adia of all the times she tried to stop herself from crying. She was never very good at it, and she both admires her friend's willpower and worries about her even more. "Books are safe," she agrees, matching Amelia's soft tone. "But you can't learn everything from a book... as much as I wish that were the case."

Surprised by the sudden question, she sits up straighter, secretly relieved. This is something she can answer easily, with no worry of uncomfortable silences. "It was both," she replies, "From the very beginning, we'd have both a lecture and a lab. Books are great at explaining concepts, but to actually implement what we'd learned, we needed to do experiments of our own."

"It's all right. It's something I should do on my own anyway." Not that Felix wouldn't be an interesting choice of teacher for her, but she doesn't want to burden her friend by asking him to teach her to control and use her magic. Or tell him how and why she came by it in the first place.

"Lab?" she asks, her head tilting a little in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand. I know what an experiment is, but my world didn't have... whatever a lab is." There's always more concepts to learn, it seems, and this is an actually an interesting one. Ways to learn new things always interest the rogue, even if she's not particularly in it for the pursuit of knowledge alone. But now that the floodgates on questions are open, Amelia's got a lot more to ask. "How does a lab work? Is it a place or a thing? Can you have a lab anywhere?" ...sorry Adia, but this rogue isn't about to let up until she understands everything she can.

It's short for laboratory," she says, not because she thinks that Amelia will know what that means, either, but because it's important to use the correct terminology, especially if she has to explain something from scratch. Not that Adia minds in the slightest. Although not a teacher by trade, she enjoys helping other people learn, especially when it is somehow related to science.

And it's also a topic that has nothing to do with recent traumatic events! Adia smiles, looking as relaxed as she's been since she first entered the room. "It's a place to run experiments, or analyze data. It'll contain whatever equipment you need to run the experiment... does your world have alchemists? Their setup is probably similar to what a lab looks like."

"Laboratory," she repeats, shifting her gaze down to her notebook as she takes up her pen for more notes. Not everything Adia's saying makes complete sense yet, but the conversation is far from over and there's always time to do research later. She's halfway through writing the question about alchemists out when she realizes it was actually a question for her. Setting the pen tip down on some of her earlier "notes," she thinks a little more carefully about her answer. "There are some alchemists on my world, and a small number of people who dabble in explosives as well. They often have workshops with large tables to work on and many vials of ingredients in their storerooms. They likely have some specialized tools as well, but I admit I was never close enough to any of them to see their workshops in person." The only workshop she ever saw was her friend Nathan's and even though his master occasionally made explosives, the man had taken all of his supplies with him when he'd left her hometown of Masarra.

There's a large blot of ink at the tip of her fountain pen on the page when Amelia looks back down at the page. She sets aside the pen and flips a few pages over in the notebook, frowning as she sees how deep the mark goes. "Dreams," she curses softly, "I'll have to redo some of these notes later." At least it'll be a good distraction for her mind after Adia leaves, even if it is a little frustrating. Sighing a little, she turns back to her current page and then looks up at Adia again. "Tell me more about these labs you learned in?" she asks, trying to move away from her frustration quickly. "What kinds of things are in them? Were they part of someone's home like an alchemist's workshop is on my world?"

An alchemist's workshop isn't a perfect analogy -- nor should it be, because it's not science, darn it -- but it's a frame of reference that Adia can use to better answer Amelia's questions. She doesn't get anywhere before she notices the ink blot, however. "I'm sorry," she says reflexively. "Um, I could try to get you a ballpoint pen instead? They don't leak."

She waits for Amelia's attention before answering her questions, starting with the easiest first. "Labs are almost never in someone's home. They're at universities, or in buildings owned by private companies who do their own research and development. Or they're funded directly by the government, like the labs on my ship."

"As for what's in them... well, it depends on what you're studying. There are workbenches where we can set up our experiments, and desks with computers to analyze our data or look up research papers. Our lab has microscopes -- those are machines that let you see very tiny things."

She waves a hand at the offer, frowning harder at the pen. "It's fine. I can use the pen without issue most days. I just need to pay more attention to what I'm doing." She's not used to having a companion while she does research, especially one offering conversation engaging enough to distract her from her writing.

And everything Adia's saying is distracting enough that Amelia eventually abandons her pen to listen. She turns her whole body to Adia, her eyes slightly wide as she takes it all in. None of this compares well to things on her world, but her time in the Nexus allows her to understand the basics - at least of the machines. The mechanics of illnesses themselves are still completely foreign to her.

"How does seeing tiny things help with your work?" she asks after a brief, thoughtful pause. "People simply get sick from overtaxing their bodies or being of weak constitution, right? So why would a machine that allows you to look at tiny things even help?"

"Oh... okay." She really wishes that Amelia had said yes. It would have been a way that Adia could help her, however small. Fidgeting a little with her scarf, she adds quietly, "Let me know if you change your mind."

She has her undivided attention, though. That's good. Amelia's question about microscopes trips her up for a moment. She's used to misconceptions about disease, but the multiverse is fond of throwing her a new one every time it comes up in conversation. "Um... some people get sick from those things. But some diseases are caused by germs -- bacteria or viruses that enter our body and make us ill. You need a microscope to see them."

She nods a little, brushing off the offer with a calmly spoken, "I will." Not that she actually will, but lying has never bothered the rogue before and it certainly doesn't now.

"How do these germs make people sick?" One question about disease has apparently led to a whole string of them. Amelia leans forward a little, crossing her arms in front of chest as her head tilts curiously. "Do they have some need to do this to people? Or is it chance to gets one person sick while another stays healthy?" These questions are much more complicated than the rogue realizes, but she has no way of knowing that until she asks them.

They are good questions, but with deceptively complex answers, and it takes Adia a moment to gather her thoughts on how best to explain things to her friend. "Germs enter our bodies and use us like... a factory, basically, to make more copies of themselves. This causes all sorts of problems for us, depending on the germ, as our body tries to get rid of them.

"As for who gets sick and who doesn't... well, we're still trying to figure that out on my world. But it isn't pure chance. Some people naturally have stronger immune systems than others -- that means their bodies are better at fighting off illness. And with certain precautions, you can be around ill people and not get sick yourself."

Amelia doesn't mind the complexity of the answers, and the ones Adia gives her now are surprisingly easy for her to break down and understand. She works her way through all of them for a moment before she asks another, equally challenging one. One that hurts, though she does her best to ignore that for now.

"And people with weak bodies... do the germs prefer them? Is that why they're sick so much more often?"

Adia nods, not aware of the significance of Amelia's follow-up question. "Every body comes equipped with a network of cells, tissues, and organs that work together to protect it. But they don't all work equally well in all people. If someone's immune system is compromised, they'll get sick more frequently, and they'll get sick from germs that otherwise wouldn't have any effect on a healthy body."

Her heart sinks a little at the answer, if only because she can't stop it from calling up memories of the many times she held her little sister when the girl was ill with some small cold that barely affected the rest of her family. Or thinking of Steve when she'd found him ill at his apartment, once by her own hand when she knocked him into the snow when she was blinded by grief and rage at the end of the previous Winter. She frowns, her gaze falling to the floor between her and Adia.

"Is there no way to help them? To make them stronger so that they don't get sick so often and so harshly?" It's a vain hope and anything she learns she can't take back to her sister, but if Steve comes back... if she could only help him... it might be worth the struggle through the pain now.

As subtle as Amelia is trying to be, Adia can tell that her question isn't hypothetical. She leans forward, brow pinched with worry. Who is her friend worried about? Steve, maybe?
He could certainly due with a healthier set of lungs, but a better immune system isn't much help against blunt force trauma...

It's a morbid thought, and she pushes it roughly from her mind. Unfortunately, there isn't any sort of helpful, uplifting answer to take its place. "It depends on what part of the immune system is weak, but possible therapies vary from person to person." She tugs a little at the ends of her scarf and adds, "Sometimes the best solution is preventative. Vaccines, hand-washing... making sure they aren't around anyone who's sick."

What small attempt at subtlety Amelia might or might not have been trying for falls away at that answer. She grips her arms tightly, hugging them closer to herself where they're crossed over her chest as it tightens from the pain. Breathing becomes a little difficult, but there's another question she has to ask before the words don't come out anymore.

"So what happens when those same people get badly injured? Is it... harder for them to recover?" The real, unspoken question is there underneath the first ones: Is there any chance of Steve coming home?

Ah, so it is about Steve. Adia opens her mouth, quick to reassure her friend --

But the words don't come. Because the unfortunate truth is that she doesn't know if Steve's fragile constitution will make his recovery that much more difficult. She knows a lot about disease, but only in its details -- the DNA of a bacteria, the protein shell of a virus. Even when it comes to her first aid training, it's about fixing what she can and sending the person on their way. She doesn't know what happens afterwards.

She doesn't know.

Shutting her mouth, she swallows hard, then admits, "I... don't know if it's harder for -- for someone like that to recover." Hurriedly, she adds, "But I can find out for you. I'm sure there are several papers on the topic, maybe even a whole book." She'll read it cover to cover if she has to, if it can give Amelia, give them both some answers.

The metaphorical weight she's been feeling becomes a very real one as she slumps forward, her elbows finding her knees and her hands covering her face. Adia may not be a healer, but she knows enough to make educated guesses. And if she doesn't have an answer, if she's scrambling like this? Amelia's certain she knows the truth.

"Don't bother." Her voice is muffled behind her hands, and thick with the effort of holding back tears. "I don't want hope when he's... he won't... c-come..."

Anything further she might have said is cut off by the lack of air in her lungs. She can't breathe through the pain anymore. Her shoulders shake as silent sobs wrack her body and tears slip out down her cheeks. Her closest friend, one of the only people who cared about her, is gone and he's not coming back. It hurts like all of the heartache she's ever experienced coming down on her all at once and she can't even think straight enough to try to hide. To run.

She struggles for a few moments for a breath, inhaling sharply when she finally manages it. "I-I can't... I can't do this. I can't be here without... h-him." Her fingers inch their way up her face and grip her hair tightly, pulling some of it loose from the braid it's pulled back into as the sadness turns quickly to grief-fueled rage. "I can't lose the last person in this place who means this much to me!"

It's hard to watch Amelia's composure crack, to see her sit and cry, when Adia doesn't know what she can say or do to comfort her. All she has is her hope that Steve will pull through, but it seems so inadequate now, a tiny refuge in the middle of a vast, relentless storm.

She knows what it's like to lose the one person you cared about the most, after you've lost nearly everything else. What would she have wanted someone to say to her, in those hours she sat alone with Caspar's body? Tentatively, she reaches out and places her hand on Amelia's back, a gentle touch of the other woman will allow it. "It may feel like you're all alone, but you're not. I promise. I'm here and I'll stay here, as long as you need me."

A touch, even a comforting one, isn't something Amelia usually tolerates. She looks up sharply at Adia, her face contorted with anger and a dozen curses at the ready, when the other woman speaks. And suddenly, all the rage and anguish fall away, leaving only the emptiness and pain behind. Her lips tremble, and then her whole body shakes as her mind struggles to catch up to everything going on right now.

What's happening here? Why is she being so nice? No one cares about the rogue or her feelings. Dreams, in this moment Amelia's half certain not even Steve did. But here Adia sits, offering her time and her care to someone she doesn't really know, to someone who's worth so little to anyone.

"Why...?" Her voice is a hoarse whisper as she forces it out around a fresh wave of tears. "Why would you do that for... for me? I'm nothing, I'm no one. I don't--" Her breath catches in her chest and she drops her gaze to the floor, her hands covering her face again as she shakes her head. "I don't deserve such kindness. And you... You should go, before I... hurt you, too."

Adia jerks her hand back in the face of Amelia's rage. It's not often that an angry face is directed at her, and it triggers within her a sudden urge to flee. She sits back, a fearful apology on her lips --

And then it's gone, and her friend is sobbing fresh tears. Adia leans forward again, but keeps her hands in her lap. Amelia is grieving, but it's angry and full of self-loathing. Adia doesn't know how to deal with such negative emotions, but she's willing to try, especially because it sounds like no one else has.

"It's okay, I should have asked first before touching you." She thinks back to how her friends handled her anger and grief over losing Caspar a second time. "You can talk or, um... I can talk, or we can both just sit here, But I'm not going to leave you, Amelia. You're my friend, and you'd do the same for me." She pauses a beat and adds, "You did do the same for me, and you didn't even know me then. You deserve plenty."

Her eyes widen as the reality of what Adia's saying sinks in. It had seemed natural to stay with with the woman after offering her advice, and to make sure she got back to her world safely. Had she really done the right thing for someone without noticing? Was that what people usually wanted when they needed comfort? And...

...were they truly friends so soon?

"I..." She's too stunned to finish her first thought. Slowly, she draws her hands away from her face and sits up. It takes a few moments of breathing to calm herself enough to meet Adia's gaze, and even then it's more confused than anything else. How is it she found herself here with such a kind person and why do they care so soon after meeting her? It doesn't make sense, not where a person like Amelia is concerned.

"I don't... know how to be someone's friend," she admits softly, resting her hands on her knees palm up. "And I don't know what to do right now. I'm not used to being around... well, anyone when I'm like this." Usually she drives them away or is hiding in such a deep hole as to avoid everyone entirely. Being out in public like this, and having then been found, is a new thing for her.

The surprise is unexpected, and Adia dwells on it while waiting patiently for Amelia to gather her thoughts. Is it really that unusual for anyone to show this woman kindness? No wonder she's taking losing Steve so hard. He would never have left her otherwise.

When Amelia finally meets her gaze, she smiles softly and offers a hand. it's up to Amelia if she wants to take it, and she won't be offended if she doesn't. "You just need more experience. It doesn't come easily for anyone at first. And I don't think anyone knows what to do when they're grieving, either. I've been around loss for so long, and the only two things that I've learned is that it takes time to heal, and it's different for everybody."

For a long moment, she stares at Adia's offered hand. It's extended both in friendship and comfort and she doesn't know how to handle either of those things. She's let so few people in when something truly hurt her, and she's always managed to drive those same people away simply by being herself. Adia doesn't deserve that, but she's... not giving comfort when Amelia's asking for it; She's offering it before the rogue could even bring herself to ask.

Slowly, cautiously, Amelia reaches out and rests her hand in Adia's. Her fingers are trembling ever so slightly, but she can't stop that. Not when she's this scared and unsure.

"I'm better at driving people away than anything else," she says softly, her eyes lingering on their outstretched hands. Adia's hand feels so warm, but... maybe that's normal? She honestly doesn't know. "I also never mourn like this. At some point I usually just... bury it, and move on." It's healthier than the alternative of letting it consume her, even if she knows it would be better to work through it. But that's so much more difficult when she thinks she has to do it completely alone.

Not only offering comfort, but comfort on Amelia's terms. She's gotten too used to her friends being casual with physical signs of affection, she'll be more careful of Amelia's space from now on.

But, at least for now, hand-holding is acceptable. Keeping her gently encouraging smile, she holds her friend's hand, her grip loose enough that Amelia can pull away easily at any time. "I've never been able to do that... not for long, anyway. What, um... what do you think is different about things this time?"

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