Amelia Royer (Ronsam) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rogueinladysclothing) wrote2016-02-26 07:07 am
rogueinladysclothing) wrote2016-02-26 07:07 am
Entry tags:
Letting in the outside world [Tagging Viatorus]
Days come. Days go. How many has she spent alone in the darkness, away from the world outside?
Too many. Far too many.
The dreams are becoming too much for her to handle. The nightmares are bad, but the dreams… the dreams are so much worse. Dreams of finishing those things she had started with her friends, of things working out exactly as she had planned. Of a love that she missed her chance at.
A special trip out is made to charge her phone at a cafe near the Plaza before the sun rises at her inn. Once it’s charged, she rushes back to her room and writes a few overdue text messages to the first friend she ever made in the Nexus.
Viatorus? Things have… changed in the Nexus. I don’t even know if this is still your phone number.
She waits a few minutes for a response before sending two more messages. Even if it’s not Viatorus’ number anymore, she isn’t giving away any details that could cause harm by some unknown person having them.
If it’s still your number, can you come to my inn? It’s not the Fox and Crosier anymore but it’s still in the same place. Different but still much the same.
My room number hasn’t changed either.
A few minutes pass before she sends one final text.
Please. I really want to see you.
If it comes across as desperate, it’s because she is.
Too many. Far too many.
The dreams are becoming too much for her to handle. The nightmares are bad, but the dreams… the dreams are so much worse. Dreams of finishing those things she had started with her friends, of things working out exactly as she had planned. Of a love that she missed her chance at.
A special trip out is made to charge her phone at a cafe near the Plaza before the sun rises at her inn. Once it’s charged, she rushes back to her room and writes a few overdue text messages to the first friend she ever made in the Nexus.
Viatorus? Things have… changed in the Nexus. I don’t even know if this is still your phone number.
She waits a few minutes for a response before sending two more messages. Even if it’s not Viatorus’ number anymore, she isn’t giving away any details that could cause harm by some unknown person having them.
If it’s still your number, can you come to my inn? It’s not the Fox and Crosier anymore but it’s still in the same place. Different but still much the same.
My room number hasn’t changed either.
A few minutes pass before she sends one final text.
Please. I really want to see you.
If it comes across as desperate, it’s because she is.
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"Because a family as powerful as yours would see no value in someone like me," she says harshly. She hesitates and sighs before continuing in a much softer tone. "I have nothing to offer but my life - my non-magical life. If they decided I was worth nothing, then they could tell you to stop seeing me, and I won't let you choose me over your family." Family is the one thing that Amelia has always held above everything else. Having given her life to hers, and having interacted with families as powerful as his, she knows the truth of the matter; If someone isn't welcome in their world, they will find a way to shut said person out. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want to lose her closest friend. Her heart couldn't handle that.
She sits up slightly and holds her hands out in front of her, palms up to show they're empty. A soft frown plays at her lips as she stares at her hands. "Will I be enough for your family if all I have to offer is a desire to be close to their most precious son? Won't I simply be another distraction? And if I am, what then? I won't raise a hand against those who are most important to you unless you asked me to do so. And even then... I wouldn't do it if it would mean trouble for you."
Has she always been this hard on herself? Viatorus has seen this side of her before, though not nearly as intense. Sadness and depression have always lead to self-doubt for Amelia. Now that she's lost everything that made her who she was, though, it's reached to a whole new level.
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"Where are these questions coming from?" A thought hits him and he tilts his head. "Has someone been talking to you? Has Isidor been talking to you?"
Before she can answer, he shakes his head and waves his hands. "Nevermind. That's not important." Viatorus takes a deep breath and gathers his thoughts. Then he looks at Amelia, focusing on her again. "My family's not like that. They don't care if you're not magical. They only care that you're not going to hurt me, or them. That you're not a bad person. Which you're not, so that's alright."
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"So they'd accept me, still let me be close to you, if I loved you?"
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"If you loved me?" This isn't fair. This isn't fair. He feels like his lungs have stopped working, and his heart has been punched. He tries to focus on the question and not the confession of love. "They... ah... They..." It's not working. "Amelia... I..."
He's going to hurt her. Whatever he says is going to hurt her. The realisation only encourages his panicking.
His hands pull back to fidget on his lap and his breathing starts to quicken. "A-Amelia, I... I'm not allowed to love. I... I'm not allowed... I don't... I don't get to..."
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Then why did she ask? It seems like a cruel thing to do to him, to put him through such pain when he came to comfort her.
But now she can pretend these feelings aren't real, that she never felt anything. They can 'just friends' again.
...right?
She turns to him and rests a hand over his fidgeting ones, leaning forward and gently placing a kiss on his forehead.
"It's okay, Viatorus." Her voice is soft, strong, comforting. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable."
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Then he's looking back at his hands. "But... Um... Um... If... U-Unless you... you wanted to... My family really doesn't worry much about... about my friends."
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And then it's her turn to be confused. "I don't understand what you're saying..."
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He rubs the back of his head and then moves to stand.
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What is she doing? This is the worst idea ever.
She stands next to him slowly, holding his hand gently in hers. Such a terrible, horrible idea. Hazel eyes look up from the floor to meet his for a brief moment before she leans close and places a small, gentle kiss on his lips.
It may be the worst idea she's ever not thought through before doing, but for the moment? It feels... perfect.
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And then she kisses him.
It's like she sucked all the air from his lungs, making him forget to breathe for the longest moment. His cheeks burn brightly and his heart is determined to hammer out of his chest. His eyes flutter closed until she pulls away and he leans closer to her, disoriented, until he opens his eyes and rocks back again.
His mouth is open, but no words are uttered. What should he say? What could he say? Amelia just kissed him...
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When he rocks on his feet, she raises her free hand to his shoulder to steady him, her other still holding his delicately.
There's an overwhelming feeling of happiness mixed in with the fear of waiting for his thoughts. But when he doesn't speak, she knows she has to do something. So she decides to take a leap of faith - and kisses him again.
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He can't look at her. He feels like a villain, as if this were some planned cruelty. But as much as he wants to indulge this - this rare display of someone caring him over his money, his lineage - it would surely be so cruel to pretend.
"We can't- I can't. I-I'll only... only hurt you. I don't want that." A sharp pain spikes from his heart and contorts his face for a moment, but he smooths it over and rubs at his brow with a shaking hand as he moves further into the room, away from Amelia. It takes all his energy to keep calm, and even then his voice breaks when he initially goes to speak. "I'm sorry. I... I wish it were different. My, uhm. My parents intend to arrange a marriage for me. I don't... I don't get much say in the matter."
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Her face is emotionless as she nods and then sits back down on the bed. She knew this would happen. She knew all along this couldn't be.
It doesn't hurt anymore, though. The pain has fallen away to be replaced with a complete and total numbness.
"It's not your fault," she answers finally. Her voice is even, calm - a strange thing, given the waves of emotions she's been riding all day. But her words are clipped, as if she needs a new breath for every word she speaks. "I shouldn't have kissed you. That was terrible of me. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me? Can we still be friends?"
She smiles at him, but it's hollow.
She hates that it's come to this. She hates even more than she can only blame herself for what's happened.
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The silence is painful. Even looking around the room doesn't help. Absently, a hand lifts to touch his lips and then falls away again as he tries for another small smile. He goes to say something, but the words don't come, so he sighs and looks away.
Another moment later, he says, "I... I should go, shouldn't I? I want to stay, to help you, but... but I-I don't want to make you feel worse."
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"I'm all right." No she's not. Her complete lack of emotions is enough to give that away. "But I shouldn't keep you any longer. You have other things to do and I can manage on my own." Another hollow smile appears on her lips. "Thank you for coming to see me today."
She's retreating hard now, but what else can she do? She doesn't want to lose it in front of him again, doesn't want to keep him here any longer. The numbness will only last so long and when it fades? She'd rather not cling to him for comfort.
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That doesn't make leaving her here alone any easier. He knows those smiles are hollow. He knows the lifelessness of a feigned expression. He knows what's underneath it all.
"Maybe I can call someone else for you," he offers gently. "I'd hate for you to be on your own. It doesn't seem right."
https://youtu.be/beM2Bf3sDDY
"No, thank you. I'll be fine." No you won't. "But, perhaps, I could get some of that tea you spoke of earlier? For dreamless sleeping."
He seems so far away now, but it's for the best. He doesn't have the luxury of choosing who to be with and she's an unattached distraction. The distance will shrink with time, but for now? It's best if they stay far apart.
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Setting the tea down by the croissants, he fiddles with the pen as he looks at her. "Well. Um. If I can do anything more for you... do call. Or call someone else, if you'd prefer." He's digging himself a hole the more he speaks, he knows it. "Do take care of yourself, Amelia. And do call someone, anyone, if you need anything. There's no shame in it. Really."
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"If I need someone, I'll call. Thank you." Her voice is stern and leaves no room for discussion. She motions for him to use the space in her room for a portal. They both know there's enough space and they both need the quick out. But this time there's no goodbye, no sweet kiss on the cheek to bid him farewell. Just a nod and a small wave as Amelia tries to hold herself together until he leaves.