rogueinladysclothing | Letting in the outside world [Tagging Viatorus]

It has been a manic few days, to say the least. Now free of the bodyswapping curse, Viatorus had been taking time to enjoy being back in his own body. The texts are unexpected, and firstly remind him that he should visit Amelia. Then the ominous tone comes through and concern starts to grow.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

He stops to get a bouquet of flowers, white and yellow, along the way. Much like Amelia suggested, he finds himself in a strange, yet familiar place. Double checking the texts, and making sure his hair isn't sticking out, he nervously knocks on the door and hopes it's the right one.

The door opens only a moment later, with a very pale Amelia on the other side. Viatorus will likely be surprised by her appearance past the pale face - her hair is pulled back into a simple braid and she's wearing a simple full length, full-sleeved black silk dress as opposed to her usual garb. A small smile tugs at her lips as she opens the door wide and motions him in. The room is lit by the bright sunlight bouncing off the snow through her window and a few short candles around the room. It's all the same as it was before, except the portrait that had hung on the wall before is now face down on the desk with her hair pin sitting on top of it, seemingly forgotten.

"Thanks for coming to see me. I... I just needed to see you." She turns her attention to the pot of tea sitting on a stand and begins making tea for the two of them. Once it's steeping she turns back to him with a small smile.

...dreams, it hurts to look at him. He and Nathan are so much more alike than she had expected. She has to remember to keep breathing, keep smiling. There's no going back now. There's no reason to be sad, to mourn. It's all still there. Her family is fine. Nathan is safe. What more could she want?

Her voice is breathless, light when she speaks again. "I'm glad to see you got your body back."

Even without being told, he knows something is terribly, terribly wrong. He shuffles into the room with a quiet 'thank you', pulling the bouquet close as he moves inside. The sight of tea would usually have gotten more of a smile from him, but right now he can't help but be preoccupied with a pressing sense of concern.

He can sense that she's hurting, sad... When she tries to speak and smile it practically radiates from her. It takes some effort to pull himself out of his thinking. "Oh, yes." He holds out the flowers to her. "I... I brought you these. I hope you don't mind. I-I should have brought you chocolates really, now that I think about it. I wasn't thinking very clearly, I... I wanted to thank you, you see. F-For helping me. When you talked to me when I was in Harrowheart's body... You..." He looks at his feet for a moment before looking at her again. "You made me feel normal. I needed that. It... It helped me more than I can express."

Her honest reaction to the flowers is one of utter confusion. "For me...?" She takes the bouquet from him carefully, cradling it with unsure hands. "I've never... I mean, no one's ever wanted... because I'm just... normal. I'm glad it helped you, but... I feel like I didn't do anything, so why... why would you... for me?" None of that made sense, and she knows it, which makes her cheeks flare bright red. She seems to have a knack for embarrassing herself in front of him. "Thank you," she adds meekly. "I don't... have anything to keep them in, but I can ask at the desk later, see if the matron here has one I could borrow." Because she's not going outside. Not yet. Outside means interacting with people, means letting other people see her and it's getting hard to breathe and--

She takes a sudden, deep breath before setting aside the flowers, her face completely pale again. Tea. There's tea to pour. That's a good distraction. She can do that. Her hands may be shaking, but she's steady enough that she won't spill. There's so much to focus on suddenly. Breathing, pouring the tea, not worrying Viatorus with her behavior before...

...there's really no point in waiting. There's no way he'd have missed all the signs.

"Something's happened since last we met."

"I can get you a vase, if you like," he offers quietly.

It's the strangest thing when you realise that you're watching one of your own habits play out in front of you. Viatorus certainly thinks so, anyway, as he watches Amelia pour tea as a way to focus and ground herself. He's never seen Amelia like this before. The woman so full of fire and a controlled energy. Whatever is wrong... it's bad.

"Please, sit down. You look pale." He wants to reach for her elbow, but his hand doesn't quite make it before he pulls back again. "Please, sit, and then tell me everything. Anything."

She wants to make a joke about the offer of a vase, to tease him just a little bit. But she can't. Because everything hurts right now. Everything has hurt for a while. Everything that made her Amelia has been slipping away under waves of grief and longing. "That would be nice."

Unlike before, she doesn't recoil when he reaches for her. The warmth of his hand, even if he doesn't touch her, is a welcome thing after so many days of being alone. She carefully sets aside the tea pot and then walks over to the bed, sitting carefully. Her hands are folded neatly in her lap as she speaks. "I made a choice some time ago, about how best to protect my world from all the dangers of the Nexus. I needed to find my world again and then close it off from the Nexus. I would stay here, make sure no one ever opened a portal there again. I had a plan, knew what I was going to do once it was found, but..."

She takes a slow, deep breath. "I had a fight with Naugus. And he..." Slowly, Amelia. Keep breathing. "He opened a portal to my world. But before I could do anything, he shut it with such force that he claimed to have shattered any connection to it." Stop shaking, Amelia. The story's not over yet. "I-I got Schön to reopen it. Took the time to... to... s-settle my affairs. I got what I wanted from the trip. I saw my city, my home... and Nathan, too..." Her chest tightens at that thought and her heart pounds in her chest. It hurts. Dreams, does it hurt. One hand settles over her heart, gripping the fabric of her high collared dress tightly. Just a little more...

"Once everything was done, I came back here. But it was all... different. The portal closed behind me, but I don't... I don't know if it worked. I have no magic, no PINpoint, no way of telling if it's closed for good. I can still keep watch, make sure no one tries to open a portal there again. I... can be strong for them, for everyone on my world. I have to be. I have to."

Her head drops slowly and her eyes close as tears begin to form in her eyes. "But I'm all alone now. I knew I would be, but I thought... I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle anything. But the nightmares... the dreams, Viatorus, they... they hurt so much. I can't stop seeing all the things I'm missing. The deaths I can't prevent, the successes I can't share in, the failures I can't circumvent, the love..." She grips her chest tightly, willing herself to not shake and failing. "...the love I could never have slipping through my fingers every time I wake."

Suddenly, she can't hold it in anymore. She covers her face with her hands and weeps openly. So many days of crying in the dark, in the quietest tones possible, ignoring the worst of the pain. But now that she's laid everything bare, she can't ignore it any longer. She can't pretend a few days of mourning will fix everything anymore. It won't. Nothing will fix it. Nothing can undo what she's done. She only hopes she can keep from unraveling before the pain passes.

Edited (just a few nit-picky details, don't mind me) 2016-02-27 06:18 (UTC)

There's so much to take in. So much that is increasingly difficult to take in. The potent air of grief thickens the air like the drowning wave of a merciless sea storm. Viatorus tries to focus through the disorienting atmosphere he's now being tuned into, but it gets harder the more Amelia speaks. She steels herself before each sentence, but there is pain in every word.

Her tale leaves him stunned, but he snaps out of it when she starts to cry. Lost, he panics on the spot for a moment, but then moves to sit next to her on the bed and pull her into a hug. He... really doesn't know what else to do.

"I'm sorry, Amelia. I'm so very, very sorry."

There's nothing more precious, or comforting, than a hug from your closest friend.

Amelia doesn't jump or pull back when Viatorus pulls her close. Against everything she's ever said or shown him, she melts into his hold and wraps her arms around him in return. Her face is buried into his shoulder as she lets everything out. It hurts. It all hurts. But for the first time since she came back from Masarra, she doesn't feel alone. She may still be helpless and incomplete, but at least someone still knows she exists. At least someone she cares about is still around to care about her, too.

After several long minutes of crying, she finally calms down a bit - and summarily collapses against him from exhaustion. All the long, restless nights tug at her eyes and keep them from opening as she shifts her weight enough to keep from knocking him over. It all still hurts, but it somehow feels a little less now. She carefully rests her head against his shoulder, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "I'm sorry," she says softly, "for dropping all of this on you. But... thank you... for just being here. It... means a lot to me."

This is surreal to him. In his young life he's had very little grief, and none of it compares to losing his entire family, his entire world. Those tragedies he did endure... he was the one leaning on others. He was always the collapsed figure sobbing against someone else. Here, now, straining his back to hold Amelia, he feels wholly inadequate. He feels sympathetic tears well up in his eyes and he quickly blinks them away. Swallows hard.

Stroking her arm and then holding her close, he takes a deep, shaky breath. "Don't worry about me. Really. I'm... I'm so sorry I didn't come sooner. I'd meant to. I'd kept meaning to, but..." He sighs and lets his excuses fall away. "When you're ready... I'll make you some of my tea. It lets you sleep dreamlessly. You must be exhausted... But only when you want. I'm... I'll... I'll be here as long as you need me."

She can feel him straining against her weight and struggles to sit up a bit more to help ease his struggle. They may be about the same height, but her physical training means she's basically all muscle. She may look delicate and lean, but that doesn't mean she is. She does not, however, pull away from him at all. This physical comfort thing is strange and terrifying, but it also feels wonderful. No one's ever held her this close before. Even in times of grief in the past, she's always been the one to hold and comfort others. To be on the receiving end is... for lack of a better word, nice.

"It's all right," she continues in that same soft tone. "It's not your fault. You didn't know. I mentioned to others what I had planned, but... I haven't..." Breathe, damnit. You can't speak if you don't breathe. "I haven't told anyone else what's happened. I haven't wanted to see anyone since I came back. But... I needed to see you... I don't know why."

She does know, though. Somewhere deep in her mind, she knows. For now, she thinks that protective streak regarding him is simply instinct. She thinks her need to see him is to make sure that he is okay. What a fool she is for believing her own lies so easily.

"You can... take all of the dreams away?" Slowly, she looks up at him, her eyes opening just enough to give him a questioning look. "How is that possible?" There's skepticism in her voice, but no fear of whatever magic this might be. Too many nights of terrible nightmares and even worse dreams means she's ready to accept any kind of help she can get.

What she'd planned. He wants to ask her why. Why she felt she had to do that. Why she thought that was the only option. Why she hadn't told him about it. Maybe he could have helped... But that's not fair on her. What's done is done. There's no going back now. Or if there is, it won't be found today.

"I understand. I do. I understand," he reassures her gently. "You don't have to see anyone you don't want to."

When she shifts to look up at him, he moves just enough to glance back down at her. "Oh. It's... It's the tea. It... It dampens your ability to dream, we... My family found a good supplier. Great quality leaves. You don't dream at all. It... I believe it has a property that interferes just a little with the chemistry in the brain. Just enough to offset it and interrupt your dreaming. Don't worry. It's harmless. I've taken it for years."

If she had told him, he would have tried to dissuade her. Her world was-- is so fragile compared to many of the others connected to this place. No magic. No advanced technology. Nothing. She did what she thought was best, which was to prevent anything from entering her world. The safety and freedom of her loved ones has always been her priority - this act assures they will be able to have it without interference from forces they don't understand.

His gentle assurances get the barest hint of a smile from her. "Thank you."

It takes a moment for her to process what he's saying before she nods. "I've read about such things," she assures him. "And I trust you." Another tiny smile before she closes her eyes again and rests her head against his shoulder in a slightly more comfortable spot. He's so warm, so close. It's an almost magical feeling. A soft smile settles on her lips. "Das geht klar. Alles werde endlich okay sein. Macht nichts, Viatorus."

...something has either gone terribly wrong or someone's been hiding quite the secret from her friend. Hint: it's the latter.

Hearing that she trusts him gets a much wider smile, though it's still tempered by a respectful sobriety. He'd been worried that she would recoil from the idea of using anything with strange properties. That she'll drink the tea without convincing is a huge relief, and it will surely help her get some rest.

But then he's blinking in surprise and looking down at her. "You speak German? I didn't know you speak German."

"Hmm?" It's really hard convincing herself to stay awake when she's so comfortable. She wants the tea he's offering, but he's so warm... Once she's able to focus a little more, she laughs softly, raising her left hand. On her index finger sits a simple silver band, one she's had for months and never made mention of before. "Schön gave it to me when I went to Verity's world. I can understand other languages and speak whatever language someone wants to hear. It's useful, so always wear it." Another small shift as she sets her hand back down. She's going to knock him over if she keeps this up. "You... must like this German?"

She doesn't seem to realize she's admitting that she didn't need his translations when they watched his favorite movie a few weeks ago. Oops?

"It's my mother's language," he replies absently as his mind starts working. He'd never noticed the ring. But then, he rarely notices things like jewellery and make-up. When she went to Verity's world... His eyes flicker back and forth as he works out a rough timeline. Not that she can see from the spot she's claimed on his shoulder.

He finally frowns as he figures it out, peering at a spot on the wall. "You didn't bring it for the film?"

"Hab' ich den Ring immer damit." The corner of her lip turns upward in the barest hint of a smirk. She yawns and pulls herself just a little closer to him. So warm... "Your translations were perfect, though." It's a vague attempt at reassuring him. Were she more attentive, she would be apologizing for leading him on that afternoon and for not telling him sooner. There will be time for embarrassment about the whole thing later, when she doesn't want to sleep.

"So tired," she mumbles after another moment.

He can try to stop her, to ask her to wait for a moment to make the tea to prevent dreaming, but it's too late. Her weight falls against him completely as she slips into first stages of sleep. Too many nights without any real rest have finally caught up with her now that she feels comfortable.

"Why didn't you say? It must have been terribly annoying. Two voices at once. An echo." He realises she's not listening, though he's none the wiser about her reasons.

Before he manages to say anything else, he feels her relax and an unexpected weight falls against him. Unbalanced, he finds himself falling until he slowly lowers them both down onto the bed. Staring up at the ceiling and reminding himself that he has a young woman sleeping on him, the awkwardness brings a blush to his cheeks. Very slowly, very carefully, he slides himself out from under her, giving her a pillow to cling to instead. He pulls her feet up and drapes a blanket over her.

All that done, he brushes the hair out of her eyes and, after a moment's consideration, uses a little magic to encourage her dreams to dissipate. To become fuzzy and difficult to form, let alone remember. It won't be the same as the tea, but hopefully it will ease some of her distress, if it works.

While she sleeps he drinks a cup of tea, and if she still hasn't woken up by then, he'll make a quick trip to fetch some fresh croissants and a vase for her flowers. On this occasion, he hopes she won't mind him borrowing the keys to her apartment.

The will be plenty of time for Viatorus to take a trip out, because Amelia isn't about to wake any time soon (he'll get an odd look from the matron of the inn, though, when he leaves and then comes back with so many things in hand). His spell works wonders for her, though. Although she still dreams, there's nothing in them to focus on. No faces, no familiar sights or sounds. It's the best sleep she's had in months.

But just when it seems she might be able to make it through more than an hour or two of sleep without waking, the magic fades and her mind focuses on one of her last memories before returning to the Nexus. Her thoughts settle on Nathan, on their goodbye. And just when she's about to pull away from him, he pulls her close, murmurs soft words in her ear to beg her to stay.

She trembles in her sleep. No. No. It's not real. She tries to fight it, to not be drawn in by the temptation, but the way he holds her, the way he speaks her name, it's... it's too much. In the dream, she pushes Nathan away, and in reality throws the pillow she's been clutching against the wall. When it seems as if she's going to be drawn back in by those same feelings, she covers her ears and wills herself to wake up.

Gasping for breath, she sits up suddenly in bed, drenched in a cold sweat. Her whole body shakes as she struggles to catch her breath. And once she can breathe again, she draws her knees to her chest and buries her face in them. The tears are quiet this time, but they're most certainly still there.

Edited (Wow. The grammar was bad. Fixing that. >>;) 2016-02-28 01:03 (UTC)

After getting back in, Viatorus is just setting the flowers up in the vase when Amelia starts to stir. It seems like nothing at first, but it's soon clear that something is wrong. He steps over to her -narrowly avoiding a pillow to the face- and tries to rest his hands on her shoulders.

"Amelia. Amelia? Shh. Calm down. It's alright." He speaks softly, voice gentle and warm. When she stills, he strokes her arms a little. "It was just a dream. You're alright. You're awake now. You're alright."

She'd honestly forgotten Viatorus was here and although she jumps at the initial contact of his hand, the tension fades and the shaking subsides when she hears his voice. It hurts when she tries to speak, so instead she simply nods in recognition of what he's saying. It was just a dream, but it's one she's had far too many times now to be comfortable with it.

"I'm so scared," she whispers when she finds her voice again. "I'm afraid of what will happen if... if I listen to my dreams... if I give in to them... What if I lose myself so completely I never wake up?" A shiver runs through her. What a terrifying thought for someone whose religion says the afterlife is filled with dream-like images. She doesn't want to die. Not yet. There are too many things to do yet, too many people to protect. Too many things left unsaid to the man comforting her now.

Even after she's calmed down a little, she's still upset, so he sits down next to her. He tilts his head so that he can look her in the eyes, show her that he's being honest. "That won't happen. That will never happen."

After a moment he adds, "And if you do get lost, I'll come and find you. I promise."

The eye contact is unexpected - as is his declaration. She blushes in spite of the last few tears rolling down her cheeks. "But... why? If it's dangerous to follow me, why would you do that? There's no reason to possibly throw your life away for someone who... who's just a... friend." She chokes a bit on the last word, but presses on anyway. "You have a life of discoveries ahead of you, Viatorus - don't lose it for someone who's just... normal." Someone your family would never accept and who will fade away in the face of what your family demands.

"I go into dreams all the time. I take that risk for knowledge. How could I not do it for you? How could I not help a friend?" He smiles slightly, to try and encourage one out of her too. "I don't get many chances to help people. I don't have many friends I to help either. Of course I'd do whatever I could."

The smile she gives him in return is small and tinged with sadness. "I don't have anything to offer in return for such kindness," she says softly. "I promised to protect you before and I couldn't even do that. I just..."

She looks away from him, resting her chin on her knees and sighing. "I wasn't close enough to do anything before. But you have a bodyguard, you don't... you don't need a friend following you everywhere. too. But even if I'd been there, I can't protect you from anything magical. The best I could do is offer myself as a shield - and even that might not be enough."

She's dancing around another subject, one she isn't ready to talk about yet. Not now. Not so soon after losing everything she'd worked so hard for. "I feel like I was supposed to meet you," she says after a moment of silence, "but I'm afraid of getting too close. I don't want to get to know you just to be told to stay away when your family finds out I'm... normal." Because to a family as powerful and rich in magic as his, a girl with no family, no history, and no magic in her blood means nothing.

"Why... Why are you worrying about me? About my family?" He frowns a little, scanning her face and trying to figure out what's going on in her head. Shaking it off, he smooths out his features again and focuses his thoughts.

"You're my friend, Amelia. One of my closest friends. I don't want you to be my bodyguard, or my shield, or to be worrying about being 'normal'. I don't even know what 'normal' means. You're clever, and pretty, and kind. And hard working. Determined, that's another one. Oh! And enthusiastic." With some of the many possible compliments out in the air, he looks at her earnestly. "No one can complain about that. My family won't."

In a half-motion he almost takes her hand, but doesn't quite work up the courage to. "I'm glad that you're my friend, Amelia."

It's a pity she's in such a dark place right now, because his beautiful compliments are going right over her head.

"Because a family as powerful as yours would see no value in someone like me," she says harshly. She hesitates and sighs before continuing in a much softer tone. "I have nothing to offer but my life - my non-magical life. If they decided I was worth nothing, then they could tell you to stop seeing me, and I won't let you choose me over your family." Family is the one thing that Amelia has always held above everything else. Having given her life to hers, and having interacted with families as powerful as his, she knows the truth of the matter; If someone isn't welcome in their world, they will find a way to shut said person out. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want to lose her closest friend. Her heart couldn't handle that.

She sits up slightly and holds her hands out in front of her, palms up to show they're empty. A soft frown plays at her lips as she stares at her hands. "Will I be enough for your family if all I have to offer is a desire to be close to their most precious son? Won't I simply be another distraction? And if I am, what then? I won't raise a hand against those who are most important to you unless you asked me to do so. And even then... I wouldn't do it if it would mean trouble for you."

Has she always been this hard on herself? Viatorus has seen this side of her before, though not nearly as intense. Sadness and depression have always lead to self-doubt for Amelia. Now that she's lost everything that made her who she was, though, it's reached to a whole new level.

Edited (Small updates, please don't mind me >>;) 2016-02-28 07:03 (UTC)

For the longest while he stares at her, baffled. Her questions make him want to ask more questions in return. None of this makes any sense to him. The topic came out of the blue.

"Where are these questions coming from?" A thought hits him and he tilts his head. "Has someone been talking to you? Has Isidor been talking to you?"

Before she can answer, he shakes his head and waves his hands. "Nevermind. That's not important." Viatorus takes a deep breath and gathers his thoughts. Then he looks at Amelia, focusing on her again. "My family's not like that. They don't care if you're not magical. They only care that you're not going to hurt me, or them. That you're not a bad person. Which you're not, so that's alright."

She doesn't move her gaze from her empty hands. Nothing to offer them, but hey, if she's already feeling down, another kick won't hurt, right? And this scar, at least, won't be physical.

"So they'd accept me, still let me be close to you, if I loved you?"

The rustling and creaking as Viatorus slowly shifts his weight is the only sound in the room for a long moment. His eyes slide from Amelia to a spot on the wall and then move to stare at her hands.

"If you loved me?" This isn't fair. This isn't fair. He feels like his lungs have stopped working, and his heart has been punched. He tries to focus on the question and not the confession of love. "They... ah... They..." It's not working. "Amelia... I..."

He's going to hurt her. Whatever he says is going to hurt her. The realisation only encourages his panicking.

His hands pull back to fidget on his lap and his breathing starts to quicken. "A-Amelia, I... I'm not allowed to love. I... I'm not allowed... I don't... I don't get to..."

"I know."

Then why did she ask? It seems like a cruel thing to do to him, to put him through such pain when he came to comfort her.

But now she can pretend these feelings aren't real, that she never felt anything. They can 'just friends' again.

...right?

She turns to him and rests a hand over his fidgeting ones, leaning forward and gently placing a kiss on his forehead.

"It's okay, Viatorus." Her voice is soft, strong, comforting. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable."

"I'm sorry," he says as soon as he can form a sentence. "I'm sorry. I... I don't know what to say. I... I always thought... thought no one would notice me. That no one would ever... And I'd never get a chance to... to wonder... So I... I never thought about it." He scratches an eyebrow and pulls a very forced smile for her. "I don't know what all these feelings are."

Then he's looking back at his hands. "But... Um... Um... If... U-Unless you... you wanted to... My family really doesn't worry much about... about my friends."

"You don't have to say anything," she says in that same soft tone. His forced smile makes her heart hurt and she finds herself giving his hands a gentle squeeze for comfort. She doesn't want to see him hurting. Not ever. She'd assumed she would be the only hurt party in all of this, but... perhaps this confession was a bad idea...

And then it's her turn to be confused. "I don't understand what you're saying..."

"I don't know what I'm saying," he admits with another strained smile. Looking around suddenly, he settles on a distraction. "I should, um... I should shut up. Tea? I could use some tea. I'm sure you could too."

He rubs the back of his head and then moves to stand.

Her hand lingers over his as he stands, but the moment he tries to pull away after getting to his feet, she holds him tight.

What is she doing? This is the worst idea ever.

She stands next to him slowly, holding his hand gently in hers. Such a terrible, horrible idea. Hazel eyes look up from the floor to meet his for a brief moment before she leans close and places a small, gentle kiss on his lips.

It may be the worst idea she's ever not thought through before doing, but for the moment? It feels... perfect.

At first he's not sure what she's doing. Does she want him to stay? But then she's standing. Perhaps to help him with the tea. It's really not a two person-

And then she kisses him.

It's like she sucked all the air from his lungs, making him forget to breathe for the longest moment. His cheeks burn brightly and his heart is determined to hammer out of his chest. His eyes flutter closed until she pulls away and he leans closer to her, disoriented, until he opens his eyes and rocks back again.

His mouth is open, but no words are uttered. What should he say? What could he say? Amelia just kissed him...

His reaction is... better than she had expected. In truth, she had expected him to recoil from her, to push her away, to run. Any number of things that would cement his inability to be with her, really. Her heart races as she looks up at him, her cheeks flushing brightly as well.

When he rocks on his feet, she raises her free hand to his shoulder to steady him, her other still holding his delicately.

There's an overwhelming feeling of happiness mixed in with the fear of waiting for his thoughts. But when he doesn't speak, she knows she has to do something. So she decides to take a leap of faith - and kisses him again.

With the second kiss he inhales deeply and lifts his useless hand to do... what? Push her away? Pull this unexpected comfort close? It flaps about uselessly for a second and then he pulls away.

He can't look at her. He feels like a villain, as if this were some planned cruelty. But as much as he wants to indulge this - this rare display of someone caring him over his money, his lineage - it would surely be so cruel to pretend.

"We can't- I can't. I-I'll only... only hurt you. I don't want that." A sharp pain spikes from his heart and contorts his face for a moment, but he smooths it over and rubs at his brow with a shaking hand as he moves further into the room, away from Amelia. It takes all his energy to keep calm, and even then his voice breaks when he initially goes to speak. "I'm sorry. I... I wish it were different. My, uhm. My parents intend to arrange a marriage for me. I don't... I don't get much say in the matter."

And there it is. The reaction she knew was coming.

Her face is emotionless as she nods and then sits back down on the bed. She knew this would happen. She knew all along this couldn't be.

It doesn't hurt anymore, though. The pain has fallen away to be replaced with a complete and total numbness.

"It's not your fault," she answers finally. Her voice is even, calm - a strange thing, given the waves of emotions she's been riding all day. But her words are clipped, as if she needs a new breath for every word she speaks. "I shouldn't have kissed you. That was terrible of me. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me? Can we still be friends?"

She smiles at him, but it's hollow.

She hates that it's come to this. She hates even more than she can only blame herself for what's happened.

Edited (Typo! D:) 2016-02-28 20:03 (UTC)

"It wasn't terrible," he says quickly, eager to comfort her in some small way. "Of course we're still friends. There's nothing to forgive." A pause and he offers her a watery smile in return. "It was... It was... nice."

The silence is painful. Even looking around the room doesn't help. Absently, a hand lifts to touch his lips and then falls away again as he tries for another small smile. He goes to say something, but the words don't come, so he sighs and looks away.

Another moment later, he says, "I... I should go, shouldn't I? I want to stay, to help you, but... but I-I don't want to make you feel worse."

Hearing that it was nice brings the pain back, but only briefly. It flashes across her face, but is quickly schooled away as she rises.

"I'm all right." No she's not. Her complete lack of emotions is enough to give that away. "But I shouldn't keep you any longer. You have other things to do and I can manage on my own." Another hollow smile appears on her lips. "Thank you for coming to see me today."

She's retreating hard now, but what else can she do? She doesn't want to lose it in front of him again, doesn't want to keep him here any longer. The numbness will only last so long and when it fades? She'd rather not cling to him for comfort.

Yet again, he finds himself causing more grief than he can comfort. He's not surprised. Or, at least, he shouldn't be. Disappointing people is clearly what he does. Second to dreamwalking, naturally.

That doesn't make leaving her here alone any easier. He knows those smiles are hollow. He knows the lifelessness of a feigned expression. He knows what's underneath it all.

"Maybe I can call someone else for you," he offers gently. "I'd hate for you to be on your own. It doesn't seem right."

The offer of another person to share in her grief causes no small amount of terror for her. It was hard enough for her to reach out to him today, why would she want to see someone else when she's been so completely destroyed?

"No, thank you. I'll be fine." No you won't. "But, perhaps, I could get some of that tea you spoke of earlier? For dreamless sleeping."

He seems so far away now, but it's for the best. He doesn't have the luxury of choosing who to be with and she's an unattached distraction. The distance will shrink with time, but for now? It's best if they stay far apart.

"Of course." He scrambles to get the small brown paper bag from his inside jacket pocket and a pen to jot down the instructions. As he writes he motions to another brown paper bag on the table. "I brought you croissants as well in case you were hungry. I wasn't sure what you'd like, but they're fresh and light."

Setting the tea down by the croissants, he fiddles with the pen as he looks at her. "Well. Um. If I can do anything more for you... do call. Or call someone else, if you'd prefer." He's digging himself a hole the more he speaks, he knows it. "Do take care of yourself, Amelia. And do call someone, anyone, if you need anything. There's no shame in it. Really."

All of his concern is touching, but it also hurts. It's getting hard to breathe again and keeping her struggle to a minimum in front of him becomes a constant battle. She needs to let him go, needs to give them both space from this wholly upsetting event.

"If I need someone, I'll call. Thank you." Her voice is stern and leaves no room for discussion. She motions for him to use the space in her room for a portal. They both know there's enough space and they both need the quick out. But this time there's no goodbye, no sweet kiss on the cheek to bid him farewell. Just a nod and a small wave as Amelia tries to hold herself together until he leaves.

Letting in the outside world [Tagging Viatorus]

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Wall of text, incoming. Sorry! >>;

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https://youtu.be/beM2Bf3sDDY

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