rogueinladysclothing | Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Oh Verity. You are far too kind, but Amelia's certain you already know that.

There's a moment where Amelia's going to protest about getting more than she deserves when Verity offers her a drink. The confusion in her face is obvious, but that's not going to stop her from taking a swig before she asks, "What is it...?"

She really isn't. She knows exactly how bad a person she is, and always has.

"Apple cider. Not the alcoholic kind. You don't want to get dehydrated, it'll give you a headache and make you feel worse after all the crying. I'm kinda an expert now." She motions for Amelia to have more. "We can talk after you catch your breath."

"Oh. Right." Amelia knows so little about why people do what they do socially it's amazing. You'd think someone who deals with people all the time would understand why people drink to get drunk when something goes wrong with their lives. Truthfully, it makes no sense to her whatsoever.

After she finishes off the cider she hands the glass back to Verity with a slight frown. "Sorry for finishing it all. I can get you another, if you'd like."

She doesn't deal with people, though. She deals with tools she has to sweet-talk. There's a difference, and learning about it is going to be painful for her.

"It's okay. I think we're both going to want more to drink." She sets the glass down. It's not important. "I can go if you need a few more minutes."

It's only going to get harder when she realizes the most terrible victim of her choices is herself.

"I... what? No... No, I'm fine." She finishes wiping at her eyes and then pulls her hair down, brushing it out with her fingers. Her eyes slip to her knees as she plays with her hair. "I'm... I don't feel ready for this, but I've also never done this before. I have no idea where to begin."

But if she can get through it all, maybe she can find actual happiness. How amazing would that be?

"You're not fine, Amelia. I don't need the curse to tell me that." My god she really was obvious when she pulled all those moves on her mom as a teenager. So many apologies will be made about it later. "I think we should start with the fact you got violently angry. That's not good for anyone, and I don't think you enjoy it."

If she could find true happiness, the entire universe might end. Well, maybe not, but that's about how Amelia feels about it.

She shakes her head and combs her hair off to one side. "No, but it's served me well in the past on occasion. Different circumstances, obviously, but..." She sighs heavily and begins turning her hair pin over in her hands. "I've been drifting for a while now. Ever since... since Nathan..."

The words are there, on the tip of her tongue, but she can't say them. The vision of a possible future that she could have had, could still have if she makes it home and he comes home too, stings a lot.

She grips her hair pin tightly in her hand. "I never even got to thank him for it," she says suddenly, her eyes focused on nothing in particular off in the distance. "He left before my birthday... I don't know which hurts more, the fact that he left without a word or the fact that he broke his promise to see me once more before he left."

"Amelia, I'm sorry that you and Nathan never told each other, but I don't appreciate you changing the subject. You're trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for you."

She's forgiving. She's not stupid. It'd be smart to remember the difference.

"If you can't differentiate between times when you need to defend yourself and times when you're not in real danger, then you need to seek professional help. There are people, special doctors, who can help you learn better ways of dealing with your feelings. If you like, I'll help you find one to work with."

"I... yeah." Does she really do that without thinking? Her knees are hugged to her chest suddenly and she buries her face in them again. No wonder no one likes her. Turns out she's a manipulative bitch without even realizing it anymore. Lovely.

The suggestion of seeking professional help stings. Not because Verity's wrong or Amelia thinks she doesn't need help, but because this whole incident became what it is over a similar suggestion.

"Viatorus said I should do the same, to help with... something else. It's why I freaked out on him, why I'm certain he hates me now." Her voice is muffled but there's no way in hell she's looking up right now. "I know he's right, that you're right, but..." She grips her legs tightly.

"I don't think I can do this."

She's scared. A rare thing in her world.

Verity kinda wishes Viatorus did hate her right now. It would make protecting him so much easier. But she loves that he's not the sort of person to hate people.

"I have a lot of experience in not doing what I needed to to improve myself and my life. You know where it got me? An apartment in the Upper East that I was too scared to let anyone into. Just into the apartment, nevermind my life. It's a lousy way to live. But right now, you have a choice. You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be alone. It's up to you."

She returns her attention to her long-neglected cornbread while Amelia thinks about it. Again, no rush.

The concept doesn't make a lot of sense to Amelia. How did one choose to be happy? She's always seen it as a black and white thing - either one was happy or they weren't. She always thought the reason she was never happy was that she was being punished for her sins. As an "ends justify the means" kind of person, she knew what she was getting into. But what Verity is suggesting is that she's choosing to be this way. That she wants to be alone.

But she doesn't. She hates being alone. She's always hated it. She simply didn't notice it until she was trapped in the Nexus because she could convince herself otherwise at home. Her family was always there, loving and kind, even if she always kept her distance from them. Her companions were there if she needed help with anything and she was always willing to help them in return. That had been enough for her. Or, rather, that's what she had told herself.

The vision she'd had of her future when she was young was that she would work toward her goal for her family for so long that she wouldn't have time for the luxury of friendships or love. In the end, she would be surrounded by a happy family who could do what they wanted while she ran the family business - alone. In the end, she would be that martyr everyone kept calling her.

The thoughts are mixed with silent tears and a constant fear of being laughed at. She knows Verity would never do that, but the fear remains. It takes so long for her to pull her face away from her knees that Verity might think she's fallen asleep. Her chin gets gently rested on her knees and she stares off into the distance again.

"I'm so tired, Verity. Tired of being alone in everything. Tired of fighting for what I can get. Tired of knowing it's all my fault for the terrible things that happen around me. I don't want that anymore. I want to know what having a friend is like. I want to feel like I could mean something to someone. I want... I want to be able to... to say things I should have said long ago if I get back home."

She looks down at the hair pin in her hand for a moment before looking to Verity. "Where do I start?"

Edited (Forgot to add mood music) 2015-10-25 07:16 (UTC)

Falling asleep would not have been the worst possible outcome here, but Verity's glad that didn't happen.

"When you get back home," Verity corrects quietly. "The first step is admitting that you need help. Not just out loud. You need to understand that this cannot continue deep in your soul. Then we'll find you some good doctors. The work you're going to do is going to be hard. It's going to hurt sometimes, and there will be sacrifices. You might even get worse before you get better. But if you do the work, if you're brave and honest, you will get better."

Optimism is not Amelia's strong suit. There's a vague inkling of hope of getting home, but it gets harder to hold on to it every day.

"If recent history is any indication, I know I can't keep this up. I want to do things, to interact with people, but going outside, speaking with others... it's hard." Her lack of physical activity and sleep is obvious. Dark circles color the space under her eyes, a small but constant furrow knots her brow, and a slight shake happens with every motion. On top of that, the shirt that fit so nicely just a few week ago seems to be hanging off of her a bit. It seems as if when she pulled away, she pulled away completely, pushing aside her physical needs to wallow in her misery.

"I've been fighting myself for so long... and it has to stop. I've pushed everyone away, even when I didn't mean to." A shaky hand reaches up to wipe at her eyes. "And not just here. At home, I... I was there for everyone, but I never let them be there for me, never really heard their questions of concern for my well-being. I got so wrapped up in doing what I believed was the best course of action for everyone else that I never bothered to look at myself, to wonder what I wanted. I thought all I wanted was what was best for them, but now, trapped so far from those I gave my life to, I don't know anymore."

She sighs heavily, her eyes closing slowly. "If I stay this way, I'm going to die. Maybe not physically, but I won't be myself anymore. I want to be better. I need to be better."

"It is hard," she agrees quietly. Amelia's not the only one suffering right now.

"I'm going to ask something very hard of you, but I'd like you to really think about my reasons for it before you refuse to do it. Part of the treatment is probably going to involve medicine that will change how your brain works. It'll help you feel less anxious, which will make learning new behavior patterns easier. Figuring out the right balance of medicines for you might take months, because it's very hard to test how your body is going to react to things beforehand. I know this sounds scary, but you're going to be okay. It's safe. If something isn't working, we'll try something else. It's going to take some patience though."

Hopefully that doesn't sound too bad. She knows it sounds bad. "I'd like you to stay away from Viatorus. His family isn't really pleased about his coming here, and if you have another violent outburst and they find out, they might not let him come back at all. Ever. He doesn't deserve to be punished like that. And his sister is kinda scary, you do not want to deal with her right now."

"I'll think about it." It's the best she can offer right now. All of the ways of treating ailments that she knows are obsolete now and the thought of jumping into all of the new medicine of the worlds that have advanced beyond hers is terrifying. She needs to know more, which is why she hesitates a moment before adding, "If you know of any books to help me learn more about all of this, I'd be grateful. I want to know more before I make a decision." See? Saying what she needs right when she needs it. Progress.

The mention of Viatorus causes Amelia's face to darken noticeably. As if she didn't feel bad enough already about she'd done to him, now she's being told not to take the time to make it better. It suddenly hurts to breathe. The world is large and she is small and insignificant. She feels lightheaded, dizzy. Why? Why all of this over someone who probably hates her?

"You... want me to stay away... for good, right?" Don't say this next part. You don't mean it. Don't--

"It's fine." Liar! "I don't... think we were ever really friends anyway." She doesn't think so, at least.

That tightness in her chest is becoming more difficult to ignore, though. Why does it hurt so much to say she's okay with pushing him away? She's said this lie hundreds of times before. Why now, of all times, does she wants to keep him close?

"I can help you find books, yeah. I studied the principles of this kind of medicine in college, so I know enough to get you started and help you understand what the different kinds of doctors do." She had dreams of being more than a glorified secretary, once. It seems like a long time ago now.

When Amelia's expression changes Verity wraps an arm around her again. "I know it hurts," she murmurs somewhere close to Amelia's ear, still at a friendly distance but one that invites confiding. "Let's see how therapy goes before we make any decisions about forever, okay?"

There's a few parts of that statement that Amelia doesn't understand, but she'll nod along anyway. If Verity knows what she's doing, then Amelia will trust her.

Something about being this close, being held in this way, makes her feel safe. She wants to pull herself closer to Verity, but she's afraid of pushing the limits of what they've overcome today. Instead, she'll turn her head a bit toward Verity's. "I don't want to lose him," she whispers. The revelation is one even she didn't realize and her face is suddenly warm with color. "I... I mean, I-- He's..." Nope. Not even going to try. She'd like to keep her foot out of her mouth this time.

Verity stiffens at the admission, but she doesn't pull away. Not yet. "I know you're lonely, Amelia, but he isn't an object to be used to make you feel better when it suits you. He deserves better than that. He certainly doesn't deserve you messing with his feelings when you're in love with Nathan."

She tries to say it gently, but she's going straight to the heart of it now. Nobody fucks with V on her watch. And it is her watch, he and his sister both said so. It's official.

"I didn't mean it like that!" She jumps and pulls away from Verity just a little bit. The arm may still be around her, but it's in a precarious spot. "At least I... I don't think..." Now she feels like a fool for freaking out. This is what she's supposed to be working on and she can't even hang on to that for more than a few minutes before it dissipates. She covers her face with her hands to hide the tears of frustration.

"I'm sorry. It's just... Viatorus is one of the few people who has been consistently kind to me since I arrived. If I have to leave him alone completely I will, but... I owe him an apology. A real apology. I want to give him the chance to tell me to fuck off if that's what he wants. I owe him the chance to make that decision."

Any other day, this might have been her way of manipulating Verity into backing down, but not today. She means every word she says. She believes in letting people make their own decisions, for better or for worse. And given what she knows about his family, she thinks he deserves that chance more than most people. If he can't make any other decisions for himself, she wants him to give him the chance to make this one.

Verity leaves her arm where it is, neither moving away or pulling Amelia close again. It's up to her where things end up.

"Yes. You probably do owe him an apology. But you also need to be responsible. Is it responsible to do something you know is likely to hurt him and cause him trouble? Is it kind? No. That would be selfish. So write him a letter. Apologize, and tell him you're taking some time to work on yourself. He'll understand that."

It's all her fault that this is happening - so why is Verity being so nice to her? Why is she letting Amelia pull herself close again and bury her face into Verity's shoulder? It doesn't make sense. None of it does. Not yet, at least. Years of self taught, terrible habits will need to be stripped away before any of this gets better.

"You're right." Her voice is small, afraid. "I can do that." She knew this would be hard, but she had no idea how much doing the right thing would hurt. Being an adult has been hard for the last ten years. Finally growing up is even harder.

"I suppose I should... not go to the Samhain ball, then," she says after a few minutes. Her temple rests gently against Verity's shoulder as she wipes at her eyes. "I don't want to risk saying or doing anything that could upset him. Or you. Or... anyone, really." She was only planning on going to keep up appearances anyway, so it's not like she's losing anything by deciding not to go now.

Edited 2015-10-25 20:35 (UTC)

Amelia gets wrapped up in a hug again when she moves closer like that. Verity doesn't think she's very good at this whole 'being comforting' thing, but she can operate on the principle of the Golden Rule. So hugs it is, and quiet, and as much patience as she can muster.

"Remember, this isn't permanent," she offers as consolation. "And things will be much better in the end for having done the hard work up front." Amelia's a practical soul. She should appreciate that. "This pain is temporary. It won't last forever. And just think how impressed Nathan will be when you get home, and are all grown up and ready to be with him. That'll be nice, right?"

Ah, the ball. That's a tricky subject and she's really not sure what the right answer is. "Hmm. Let's put a pin in that. We can wait and see how you're feeling the day of. If you want to come put in an appearance, that's okay. If you're not ready to deal with people, that's okay too. There'll be other parties."

Amelia's even worse at the whole 'being comforted' thing. She's mastered the art of silent tears and telling lies so bold that no one would believe otherwise. And of pissing people off so much they leave her alone, none of which are good options. Still, Verity hugs are warm and very much appreciated, even if Amelia has no idea how to give her a hug back from this position.

"He might laugh at me," she says a bit dejectedly. "He laughed at me when I kissed him on the cheek before he left." She frowns at the memory. "I don't think it was at me so much as the idea of me being anything other than a mentor or someone who looked after him because of some obligation to his father. But I can't be sure. If... If I ever see him again, though, I'd like to know who I am, to know what I truly feel, what I truly want." It'll be a long road to get there, but she definitely wants to try for it. Anything for a chance at the vision she saw of a possible future back home.

"We?" She looks up at Verity with a raised eyebrow. There's a spark of her playful self under that eyebrow. Yes, she heard the rest of that, but this "we" thing is really hanging her up. She wonders what it could possibly mean for what's been happening here today.

It's okay. She'll learn. For now, she can enjoy getting hugged.

"I don't think so. I don't think he'll laugh in a mean way. Maybe he was laughing because he was happy? People do that sometimes." And it's a nicer way to think about it. "Knowing yourself is the first step to truly letting someone in to share your life. When you see him again, you'll be able to talk to him, and I have a feeling you two will work everything out."

Oh, that's what she wants to get hung up on, is it? Verity can't help but smirk. "Well, you know, you're going to need help and someone to talk to, so it looks like you're stuck with me."

"I'd like it if things worked out." There's some color in her cheeks again when she admits that. Guess that means she has at least some idea of what she wants if she ever gets back home.

"Are you going to help me with my hair and be my dance partner as well?" Amelia's got a smirk for you in return, Verity. "I suppose I should see to getting a new dress made, then. Can't go to a ball dressed in armor and covered in easily seen weapons. My father would would never stand for such a thing." The thought gives her a reason to laugh again. Only a little, and very softly, but it's something. After days of being as low as she could possibly get, it's nice to want to smile and laugh.

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https://youtu.be/ddFAIkUb7A0

Right in the feels.

Yup, but now we get a sister song for for feels: https://youtu.be/1wd1nUB-XkE

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