rogueinladysclothing | Low points in high places [Tagging Verity]

Verity is a woman on a mission, and that mission is cornbread. Yes, she could make her own, but that would mean staying at home and eating alone. A well-meaning ~~busybody~~Chozo might have ~~insisted~~suggested she have a meal out in public before she becomes a shut-in again.

She hadn't really thought about the fact Amelia lives here when she settled on the Fox and Crozier. It was nearby and she likes the food and that was about the extent of her thought process. But it was also popular, and crowded at meal time, so she stepped into the yard to wait for a place to be ready for her. Sitting under the tree should be nice and quiet, right?

Right?

It should be, but Verity's luck isn't great for that today.

The moment Amelia feels someone settle in at the base of the tree, she looks down and frowns. Had Verity seen her and decided to taunt her? Or had she simply not noticed the rogue sitting in the branches of the tree? It's impossible to tell, and Amelia would rather risk it being the latter than find out the hard way that it's the former.

She carefully pins up her hair to free up her hands then gets to her feet a little faster than she should have. The sudden change causes a rush of blood to her head, which in turn makes her dizzy. One arm instinctively wraps around the trunk of the tree while the other grabs a branch above her. The tree shakes with the rogue's efforts to not fall the short distance to the ground.

Can Verity hear the soft cursing coming from above her? Because the voice distinctly belongs to the inn's resident rogue.

Oh yes, she can hear the commotion. A whole tree's worth of shaking isn't going to go unnoticed, and once she's looking up she'll spot Amelia. Not the person she wanted to see, and she suspects the feeling is mutual.

"Do you need me to move so you can get down?"

Well, fuck.

She manages to hold back a sigh as she shakes her head. "No, I was going to leave you to your meal. It was my assumption that you didn't want to see me right now. Please, forget you saw me. I don't... want to bother you..."

That's obviously not what she was going to say, but she's not lying, so that's something?

Now that the dizziness has passed, Amelia quickly disappears through the window into her room in one swift movement. It's not that she doesn't want to talk to Verity, but Verity said she needed time. So, this Amelia doing just that. Terribly, and in a super offensive way, but she never was good at doing things the right way when it comes to anything that really mattered.

Amelia is sure sending the message that she doesn't want to talk. Fine, then. Verity's not going to chase her.

But she is going to have lunch because fuck Amelia, she's not running away. She might even stay for dessert and give Amelia more time to decide if she really meant all the things she wrote in her letter.

There's going to be a lot of pacing and peering out the window to check if Verity is still there while the latter enjoys her lunch. Did Verity want to talk and just didn't want to say it? Was she really just there for something to eat? What the hell did she want?

The suspense could probably kill Amelia, which why she rushes out of her room, down the stairs, and out into the courtyard.

Her approach is slow, giving Verity time to get up and walk away if she'd like. Assuming she stays, Amelia will stop a few feet back under the shade of the tree and speak.

"I'm sorry." Everything else can wait.

Funny how those kinds of questions are answered by talking to people.

Verity seems to just be eating, and though she looks up when Amelia approaches she doesn't rush off. Instead, she nods for Amelia to sit down with her. "I know, and I appreciate that. And you understand why I haven't been able to talk about things, right?"

Better to start with everything out in the open, in Verity's opinion. She's not sure how Amelia will handle the idea.

Given her luck with anything that's come out of her mouth recently, Amelia has been seriously debating a vow of silence. Life might go over better if she couldn't metaphorically put her foot in her mouth.

She nods and takes a seat in the grass next to Verity. "It's hard to think of anything but what you've lost when you're in mourning." She's seen it before. It's why Nathan left. It's why she so worries so much about him even here. He'd lost so much and then jumped head first onto the path of vengeance that she feared he would lose himself to it and never come home.

"I'm glad to see you're outside, though." She doesn't mean to offend Verity by saying that and so she adds, "I don't think I'd be able to do the same if I were in your position."

"Shock isn't great for conversational skills," she agrees quietly while slathering butter on a piece of cornbread. She's got a whole skillet of it, and motions that Amelia can have a piece of she'd like.

"I know I have a tendency to hide from things, so I asked people to come around and make sure I didn't turn into a shut-in again." She thinks she's due a little credit for the plan, but her friends get the lion's share for putting up with her. "We need to talk about what happened. I can handle being yelled at, but I don't appreciate the violence."

Amelia will pass on the food with a small shake of her head. Stress and eating don't go well together for her.

"That's a very good idea." Yet another thing that Amelia would have never thought of. It certainly would explain why no one comes to visit her, beyond the fact that they likely all wish, at least to a certain extent, that she would disappear.

"I've never..." She sighs and hugs her knees to her chest. There's no use in trying to hide anything - Verity would see right through it. "I've never really apologized to anyone before." For such a broad statement, it might be a bit of a shock for Verity to learn it's true. "I mean, I've said the words, gone through the motions, but I never meant it." Her chin finds its way onto her knees as she sighs again. "Then again, I've never yelled at someone like I did at you who didn't yell back. But I shouldn't have thrown the coffee at you. I knew it then, but I was so angry that I... did it anyway."

Her face disappears into her knees and muffles her voice - and the tears. "I fucked up really badly and I don't know how to fix it."

Here's the thing about a temper like Verity's: the hottest flames burn the quickest--and burn out. There's a hesitation while she wipes her hands clean, but soon Amelia's getting a hug. Verity won't push her to talk again until she's ready. Sometimes you just have to cry it out. Gods know Verity's been there enough the last few weeks.

If and when Amelia lifts her head, there's a handful of clean tissues on offer.

Crying is hard enough for her to deal with, but doing it in front of someone else is that much worse. The hug is appreciated, but...

Wait. Hold on. Verity, the person whose anger she rightfully garnered, is hugging her?

It's too much. It's all too much.

There's a long period of silent crying broken only by Amelia's shaking shoulders and occasional deep breath. But eventually it comes to an end and a very puffy eyed, red faced Amelia looks up at Verity with the barest hint of a smile. She'll take a few of the tissues and begin dabbing at her eyes.

"Thank you," she manages after a moment. "I... I don't deserve it."

Belief doesn't equate to truth, but do all of her actions as of late make it a truth? Amelia thinks so, but she has always been her own worst enemy.

Yup. Verity's hugging her through it all, and when she comes up for more than air she brushes Amelia's hair out of her face while she dries her eyes.

"Maybe not. But if people never got better than they deserve, nobody would have a reason to improve." She leans back then, taking a deep breath before offering Amelia her drink. "Here. You'll need this."

Oh Verity. You are far too kind, but Amelia's certain you already know that.

There's a moment where Amelia's going to protest about getting more than she deserves when Verity offers her a drink. The confusion in her face is obvious, but that's not going to stop her from taking a swig before she asks, "What is it...?"

She really isn't. She knows exactly how bad a person she is, and always has.

"Apple cider. Not the alcoholic kind. You don't want to get dehydrated, it'll give you a headache and make you feel worse after all the crying. I'm kinda an expert now." She motions for Amelia to have more. "We can talk after you catch your breath."

"Oh. Right." Amelia knows so little about why people do what they do socially it's amazing. You'd think someone who deals with people all the time would understand why people drink to get drunk when something goes wrong with their lives. Truthfully, it makes no sense to her whatsoever.

After she finishes off the cider she hands the glass back to Verity with a slight frown. "Sorry for finishing it all. I can get you another, if you'd like."

She doesn't deal with people, though. She deals with tools she has to sweet-talk. There's a difference, and learning about it is going to be painful for her.

"It's okay. I think we're both going to want more to drink." She sets the glass down. It's not important. "I can go if you need a few more minutes."

It's only going to get harder when she realizes the most terrible victim of her choices is herself.

"I... what? No... No, I'm fine." She finishes wiping at her eyes and then pulls her hair down, brushing it out with her fingers. Her eyes slip to her knees as she plays with her hair. "I'm... I don't feel ready for this, but I've also never done this before. I have no idea where to begin."

But if she can get through it all, maybe she can find actual happiness. How amazing would that be?

"You're not fine, Amelia. I don't need the curse to tell me that." My god she really was obvious when she pulled all those moves on her mom as a teenager. So many apologies will be made about it later. "I think we should start with the fact you got violently angry. That's not good for anyone, and I don't think you enjoy it."

If she could find true happiness, the entire universe might end. Well, maybe not, but that's about how Amelia feels about it.

She shakes her head and combs her hair off to one side. "No, but it's served me well in the past on occasion. Different circumstances, obviously, but..." She sighs heavily and begins turning her hair pin over in her hands. "I've been drifting for a while now. Ever since... since Nathan..."

The words are there, on the tip of her tongue, but she can't say them. The vision of a possible future that she could have had, could still have if she makes it home and he comes home too, stings a lot.

She grips her hair pin tightly in her hand. "I never even got to thank him for it," she says suddenly, her eyes focused on nothing in particular off in the distance. "He left before my birthday... I don't know which hurts more, the fact that he left without a word or the fact that he broke his promise to see me once more before he left."

"Amelia, I'm sorry that you and Nathan never told each other, but I don't appreciate you changing the subject. You're trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for you."

She's forgiving. She's not stupid. It'd be smart to remember the difference.

"If you can't differentiate between times when you need to defend yourself and times when you're not in real danger, then you need to seek professional help. There are people, special doctors, who can help you learn better ways of dealing with your feelings. If you like, I'll help you find one to work with."

"I... yeah." Does she really do that without thinking? Her knees are hugged to her chest suddenly and she buries her face in them again. No wonder no one likes her. Turns out she's a manipulative bitch without even realizing it anymore. Lovely.

The suggestion of seeking professional help stings. Not because Verity's wrong or Amelia thinks she doesn't need help, but because this whole incident became what it is over a similar suggestion.

"Viatorus said I should do the same, to help with... something else. It's why I freaked out on him, why I'm certain he hates me now." Her voice is muffled but there's no way in hell she's looking up right now. "I know he's right, that you're right, but..." She grips her legs tightly.

"I don't think I can do this."

She's scared. A rare thing in her world.

Verity kinda wishes Viatorus did hate her right now. It would make protecting him so much easier. But she loves that he's not the sort of person to hate people.

"I have a lot of experience in not doing what I needed to to improve myself and my life. You know where it got me? An apartment in the Upper East that I was too scared to let anyone into. Just into the apartment, nevermind my life. It's a lousy way to live. But right now, you have a choice. You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be alone. It's up to you."

She returns her attention to her long-neglected cornbread while Amelia thinks about it. Again, no rush.

The concept doesn't make a lot of sense to Amelia. How did one choose to be happy? She's always seen it as a black and white thing - either one was happy or they weren't. She always thought the reason she was never happy was that she was being punished for her sins. As an "ends justify the means" kind of person, she knew what she was getting into. But what Verity is suggesting is that she's choosing to be this way. That she wants to be alone.

But she doesn't. She hates being alone. She's always hated it. She simply didn't notice it until she was trapped in the Nexus because she could convince herself otherwise at home. Her family was always there, loving and kind, even if she always kept her distance from them. Her companions were there if she needed help with anything and she was always willing to help them in return. That had been enough for her. Or, rather, that's what she had told herself.

The vision she'd had of her future when she was young was that she would work toward her goal for her family for so long that she wouldn't have time for the luxury of friendships or love. In the end, she would be surrounded by a happy family who could do what they wanted while she ran the family business - alone. In the end, she would be that martyr everyone kept calling her.

The thoughts are mixed with silent tears and a constant fear of being laughed at. She knows Verity would never do that, but the fear remains. It takes so long for her to pull her face away from her knees that Verity might think she's fallen asleep. Her chin gets gently rested on her knees and she stares off into the distance again.

"I'm so tired, Verity. Tired of being alone in everything. Tired of fighting for what I can get. Tired of knowing it's all my fault for the terrible things that happen around me. I don't want that anymore. I want to know what having a friend is like. I want to feel like I could mean something to someone. I want... I want to be able to... to say things I should have said long ago if I get back home."

She looks down at the hair pin in her hand for a moment before looking to Verity. "Where do I start?"

Edited (Forgot to add mood music) 2015-10-25 07:16 (UTC)

Falling asleep would not have been the worst possible outcome here, but Verity's glad that didn't happen.

"When you get back home," Verity corrects quietly. "The first step is admitting that you need help. Not just out loud. You need to understand that this cannot continue deep in your soul. Then we'll find you some good doctors. The work you're going to do is going to be hard. It's going to hurt sometimes, and there will be sacrifices. You might even get worse before you get better. But if you do the work, if you're brave and honest, you will get better."

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https://youtu.be/ddFAIkUb7A0

Right in the feels.